Codependency experienced as a pathway for understanding problems

‘It [codependency] is a lens. It’s a pointer. It’s a help. It’s another little path to further awakening…’

In the quote above, Mathias rather similarly suggested that codependency could be understood as an indicator or pathway which facilitated people in the process of obtaining more understanding in their lives. He used the metaphor ‘lens’, an optical device used to improve people’s vision; likely indicating the role of codependency enlightening and assisting people to see and understand their lived experiences.

An additional phenomenological analysis of the participants’ accounts revealed also that they described their experience of codependency as going beyond an addiction. For them the experience of codependency appeared to imply a much broader scope. The extract below illustrates Heather whose experience of codependency was broader and encompassed other experiences (in bold to facilitate localisation).

‘To say codependency, for me I found it therefore is not an easy label, because it is a much bigger thing … I use to think it was quite good to

have a code, people talk about it as an illness or a disease…’

Heather did not expand on this further; however she implied that perhaps it was good to have this code which offered an explanation for life issues. As the participants’ experiences were further explored and interpreted, it appeared that rather than a diagnostic label associated with a biological addiction, the construct of codependency was likely used as a code, meaning giver or a pathway; something that was useful to explain their puzzling lived experiences, and bring some form of resolution to their lifeworlds. For example, Selma explained that for her, the label codependency attributed meaning, offering an explanation for a range of negative behaviours and lived experiences that she had struggled with for a long time. She spoke about her fragmented and unsubstantial sense of self. Other participants shared experiencing this rather fragile sense of self, as shown in the table of themes (above) and explored further in the next chapters.

‘…and then I found out about codependency. That [codependency] explained everything you know that I just (pause) that is why I have done all the things that I have done. That is why I have done all the things that I have done, all the behaviours and all the craziness and the manipulation, the emptiness and that feeling of the hole in the soul… I felt that I was nothing, like I felt insubstantial, like there were bits of me, that like there were bits of me that fallen of along my journey … I needed something to explain it, I needed something to explain everything...’

Furthermore, the analysis also revealed that the participants engaged in ‘searching for meaning’, an active searching process proactively looking for an understanding of their codependency and for support to deal with their identified problems. As they engaged in this process, it appeared that codependency became a dominant and central aspect of their lives.

‘I guess we are codependency addicts…’ (Misha)

It appeared that the participants were trying to explain confusing and distressing experiences as well as their problematic behaviours, and they found codependency as a meaningful pathway of framing these. The label codependency with the

surrounding theory and recovery pathways (e.g. CoDA) helped them to frame these chronically confusing set of experiences. In this context, participants offered unique perspectives on codependency which they appeared to have tailored to their specific life experiences. These unique perspectives became visible when each participant described their initial encounter and discovery of codependency. Codependency was portrayed as something that brought meaning to their lived experiences, providing some sort of explanation and understanding of themselves and their personal and unique stories. A brief description of each research participant’s initial encounter with the construct of codependency and the way that this framed their felt difficulties is offered below to exemplify this subtheme.

Participants’ particular experiences and idiosyncratic understanding of codependency

Further elaborating on Subtheme 2 - Codependency experienced as a pathway for

understanding problems participants’ idiosyncratic paths of understandings of

codependency are presented below.

Misha worked in the entertainment industry, was single with no children. In her first interview, she explained that she had been referred to a ‘codependency therapist’ by a psychiatrist to deal with a series of problems related to anxiety. She had actively engaged in 12 step groups and read books about the codependency topic. At the time of the interview, Misha had stopped attending the codependency group and was looking for alternative forms of support. The extract below demonstrates her initial encounter with codependency; she described herself as a codependent waiting to be triggered.

‘I first heard the word codependent, other than hear it banded around, when I went to see a psychiatrist, at the beginning of 2010. And I than started to go to CoDA, and I bought literature, I bought the Mellody Beattie book, and Pia Mellody book, and some of them just sat in the cupboard. But I had a kind of rising, a kind of low grade rising sense of what codependency was. I think that I was a codependent, kind of lying dormant waiting to be activated…’

Misha presented an overall negative perspective of codependency, describing it as a frustrating and destructive feature in her life:

‘Most of my sense of codependency is quite negative, quite destructive, it is

erosive I would say… I am 42 years old. I am not married. I don’t have children I am really sad that I might not be able to have children. It (codependency) completely ruined my life, it was completely running my life…’’

It seemed that Misha understood some of the negative effects of codependency in her life as associated with lack of personal value and care. She spoke much about not being able to place value in herself, explained by her as an ‘inability to put

myself first…feeling that I am not worthy or matter enough…’ She seemed to have

found in codependency an explanation for many difficulties associated also with lack of boundaries, self-esteem and safety. She spoke about her recovery from this perceived codependency as encompassing a range of factors in her life as well as a practical process of learning to look after herself as exemplified by the quote below.

‘What ‘recover’ means: ‘It means, not suffering from anxiety, being true, speaking with the truth, feeling with the truth, being present, having a congruence between how I act and how I feel, umm. And more practical things, such as self-care, being clean, eating well, getting enough sleep, showing up for things. Umm commitments, working hard, umm know all the areas of my life that I actively engage in to be in order. And not trying to interrupt that process not self sabotage it. Self sabotage is a real problem for me.’

Similar to Misha another participant, Patricia, also became aware of codependency as a result of health professional advice. Patricia described herself as a successful business woman, married and with adult children, diagnosed with severe depression. She explained that according to her mental health team, the depression could have been related to issues of codependency. She began to attend codependency groups as part of her treatment for depression. She explained that at the time of the interview, she was attending several codependency recovery groups a week, and felt that she was making some improvement.

‘’… my journey in terms of codependency or recovery, came about as a result of developing really quite a severe depression…about 8 years ago. I was initially a bit depressed than moderately depressed and then ended up severely depressed. And this went over a number of years. And I ended up, about 5, 6 years ago, making a suicide attempt. And it was obviously very serious… my psychiatrist said: ‘I think you might be suffering from something called codependency…’’

Note in the quote above that the psychiatrist has defined codependency as something a person ‘can suffer from’, thus portraying a traditional psychiatric approach to explaining distress (similar to Helena’s therapist above). As Patricia searched for the meaning or underlying root of her depression, she found several possible explanations related to codependency problems. For Patricia, her codependency was considered to be a secondary problem associated with depression; however, having discovered codependency as a cause helped her to engage in recovery groups for codependency which helped to make improvement. Patricia associated her codependency with problems of perfectionism, and over- committed caretaking tendencies, as described below:

‘I went to seminars … with loads of other people, whose primary problem was addiction, which wasn’t mine, but mine was definitely depression, but everybody there had a secondary problem of an underlying problem of codependency, so that was my kind of first introduction to it… for me the main things that caused depression for me were perfectionism, so being disappointed in myself, caretaking people, so that is codependency, rushing around, everybody else…being workaholic that is codependency, yeah I see it as very much coming from codependency.’

There is an interesting confusion in the above quote in whether the codependency is primary – the root which other problems stem from – or secondary to something deeper like depression. It is possible that this inherent confusion reflects learning from books and others’ accounts. Patricia appeared confused with codependency and so was another participant, Heather. Similar to Patricia, Heather also found in codependency an explanation for some of her psychological problems associated with depression and eating disorders.

Heather was a 60 year old housewife, married with adult children. She started going to the 12 step group for codependency following a recommendation made by a health professional. Heather appeared to have engaged in an ongoing seemly desperate search to obtain a better understanding of her problems via the codependency literature, consulting a number of books and self-help avenues. However she appeared to have become rather confused with the amount of rather conflicting information she had managed to obtain about codependency, as perhaps exemplified by the quote below.

‘Well, actually a doctor recommended this kind of thing – ‘you might be codependent’ and I had read books on it, oh God there are so many books…All these self-help books they all point that way. But all this thinking and writing and theorising is actually in a way getting in the way of it.’

The expression ‘getting in the way of it’ is intriguing here as she does not offer a coherent explanation for it. Perhaps she meant that the codependency popular literature was getting in a way of obtaining a better or clearer understanding of her difficulties and issues. When describing her issues, Heather’s codependency discourse also brought in some feminist concerns. She presented her views on the role of women in relationships and voiced her frustrations about the way women are treated in some cases, as exemplified by the extract below.

‘… in a way maybe women appear to suffer more because they are in the hands often of man…but I get very angry that it seems to be a different rule for men than for women…A strong man you [can] use the word … [is] dominant and dogmatic…women are programmed to be run down really, to keep the man up.’

Although Heather may have offered a perspective of man as strong and dominant, the male participants in the study showed a different perspective. Jonathan openly spoke about his vulnerability and struggles with depression and anxiety. He described coming in contact with codependency as a result of seeking therapeutic support for a range of psychological problems. He was married, had a child and worked full time in the technology industry. Jonathan was educated at a boarding school and described his career as successful. In spite of this, he seemed to have struggled with a number of issues throughout his life, which led him to engage in various forms of therapy. He described his experience of coming in contact with the

construct of codependency as he attempted to resolve many of these perceived issues in his personal life.

‘…She started talking to me about codependency; she mentioned that to me and suggested that I might like to find out more about it. I worked out that she was the 10th counsellor, I had seen over the course of nearly 20 years….’

Jonathan portrayed himself as someone searching for answers as he attempted to put his life together. Like the others above it appeared that Jonathan had a more positive view of framing his problems as codependency, thereby bringing perspective and order in his lifeworld:

I could see that my life wasn’t normal, wasn’t happy. It wasn’t like people around me, and I didn’t understand why, I couldn’t give it a name, I couldn’t explain what it was, I just knew, I had this issue about dealing with people’ …I was able to put everything in order, I am trying to make sense of some things’

Another man in the study, Timothy, was divorced with one child. Similarly to Jonathan, he had also received boarding school education. He worked full time in the media and communication industry. Timothy spoke much about his upbringing and family problems. He discussed his struggles related to use of pornography and his attempts to find the right support, describing his unsuccessful attempts to seek support in other 12-steps groups and therapy until his sister suggested the 12-step group for codependency.

‘I sort of started using pornography, and for a 1 and half years I fought that. I went straight to counselling, to therapy, which I didn’t find particularly helpful; I might have chosen the wrong therapist… I tried ALANON, a couple of different meetings, and my sister suggested CoDA.’

Timothy appeared to be searching for the right relationship and associated much of his codependency issues to the inability to assert and be confident in himself. At the time of the interview he associated his personal achievements to his engagement in recovery for codependency.

‘I have told, I tell everyone else I know about it and it seems to make me a lot more confident in, my own ability as a prospective partner, but also handling my life in being able to make decisions at home and at work decision for other people and myself. I feel really good about myself at the moment. I feel really confident about myself.’

Another male participant, Mathias described coming across the construct of codependency whilst in recovery for substance misuse problems. He was a business owner, a single father, with children from previous relationships. He explained that he had been in recovery for alcohol and drugs. His first encounter with codependency happened through a friend, who suggested he might be codependent and insisted for him to go to the codependency group.

‘…a friend suggested it, a friend of mine I was in recovery with from alcohol and drugs… he suggested to me that I might be codependent… I went (to the group meeting) and sat there with my head in my hands! Yeah it was a real huge realisation! It was weird because I didn’t understand it … I didn’t want to tick another box’. You know, I am an alcoholic, I am a recovering alcoholic, recovering addict you know … But I knew that I was…’

In his interviews, Mathias spoke about the impact of codependency in his life as something that assisted dealing with feelings of internal lack or void (discussed in the next theme). He explained that through the identification with codependency, people can start a process of change in their lives. However, as well as perceiving the identification with codependency as helpful as a pathway for change, he also spoke about codependency as something more negative. In this case the experience of codependency was also related to something more detrimental, associating codependency with other conditions like eating disorder, depression.

‘I don’t like that word (codependency). I think part of codependency is the belief that you are that role, that is you and that is why I think people hold on to bad relationships, because they’ve become the role…I call this codependency depression, eating disorders…’

This diverse and seemly contradictory experience was shared by most of the participants; at times they portrayed codependency as something problematic and destructive whilst at other times, conveying a sense of relief for obtaining an

understanding of their life difficulties. It appeared that the identification with codependency helped them to seek help, support and engage in a process of change. An example of this is found in Selma’s accounts.

Selma was a single mother, who was coming out of state benefits and planning to start her own business. Selma spoke about experiencing a range of life problems prior to identifying herself as a codependent. Like most of the participants in this study, Selma appeared to be attempting to rebuild her life. She first heard about codependency when she was attending a healing course. At the time, she was struggling with a range of difficulties and problems in her life. These experiences appeared to have had rather damaging implications on her self-concept (discussed in the next Chapter). She spoke about her tendency to blame others for her difficulties, portraying a sense of hopelessness. It appears that discovering codependency may have offered an explanation for the rather difficult and negative past experiences.

In the beginning of 2009, I did a foundation course of a form of energy healing and the first addiction it talked about was codependency. That is where I heard about it, I never heard about it before, I just thought I was a sex addict … I just drunk a little bit too much, and just smoke a little bit too much weed, have too many one night stands as an outcome of drinking too much. .. Blamed everyone else, for the fact that I had a child when I was 13, and blame everyone else because I didn’t have money and I was in debt …and then I found out about codependency through that …and I just said, that is why I was flawed …

Although Selma spoke about codependency as a construct that once discovered brought direction to her life stating that ‘it explained everything and it saved my life’, at the same codependency is portrayed as something negative and even hateful. Yet she appeared grateful for a diagnosis, as that resolved uncertainty and disbelief perhaps, and might give a treatment strategy. The account below reveals a rather complex emotional involvement with codependency. This rather extreme and dualistic perspective echoes the experience captured by the theme: Seesawing

‘The message is that for me, about codependency saved my life…it’s

transformed my life…the direction of my life.’ ‘This is a social disease, it’s an epidemic…I just hate that is so epidemic …codependency is so evil!’

Similar to Selma, Helena also conveyed a rather ambiguous understanding of codependency. Helena described herself as a teacher, life coach and actor. She was divorced with children and appeared to be juggling a career and life as single parent. She learned about codependency through reading a popular psychology book. She explained that at the time she was having therapy, and the therapist suggested her attending codependency groups. Although at the time of the interview she was no longer attending 12 step groups, she later described her initial