Subtheme A The undefined self: Experiencing difficulties with sense of self

The lived experience of struggling to locate and define a sense of self is discussed under this subtheme. The experience appears in two ways: first, as participants’ expressed difficulties in locating a clearer sense of self - described as experiencing a fragile and fragmented sense of self. Secondly the subtheme also captures the difficulties of some participants in experiencing a negative sense of self, portrayed as low self-esteem.

A (1) A fragile and fragmented sense of self

‘… there was no one, there was no me in there, there was like little bits, but I didn’t feel like I was being me, felt like I was just nothing...’ (Selma)

This quote illustrates the experience described by most of the participants (n=7), conveying a sense of self which lacked definition, completeness and wholeness.

For example, in the quotation above, Selma conveyed this sense of lacking definition and fragmentation. She explained that she felt like there were only pieces of her, which lacked form and consistency. She spoke about not having a clear sense of her own existence, feeling that she was ‘nothing’, like a broken object or crazy.

‘I was just cracked all the way through … Just feeling like I was just cracked,

and damaged and broken … I knew that whoever it was this crazy person

that seemed to be living inside me - that wasn’t me! I knew that, because I had to find out who I really was …’

A self which is fragmented and without a clear definition was also described by Misha. Similarly to Selma, she spoke about finding ‘pieces of her’ spread around, demonstrating a possible difficulty in defining a constant sense of self.

‘I think being fragmented is real common, is a real feeling that I have, I am all over the place. I don’t have a sense of myself as being whole and good and constant. And I feel different every day.’

The experience of fragmentation portrayed by Misha could be related to what she explained as a ‘lack of boundaries’ around herself. Misha suggested that most of the work she was doing in therapy and the recovery group was related to delineating clear boundary lines around herself which in turn would, it was hoped, increase her well-being or sense of comfort. The extract below captures this experience.

‘…[boundaries] they keep me safe, they allow me to navigate my way through life without feeling discomfort, without causing myself pain or others and, yes, they allow me to express myself, but in a healthy, in a safe fashion.’

The changes described by Misha as she attempted to create clear boundary lines around herself are discussed as part of subtheme (D) The transforming self:

experiencing self-definition. The breakdown of boundaries expressed by Misha in

the quote above appears to be not just unpleasant but felt to be unsafe; she demonstrates a need for strong barriers to keep her secure.

Heather expressed her fragile and undefined sense of self, as experiencing a lack in herself, which she understood as feeling like she was not enough. This appeared to

be related to the idea of feeling like she was ‘nothing’, almost inexistent, as conveyed by Selma above: ‘no one in there, I was nothing…’ Heather described this experience as a form of ‘disconnection from self, and as having an unclear sense

around boundaries’.

‘…because they (codependents), they feel that they don’t have enough, or they are not enough. Therefore they don’t feel they exist…and knowing what boundaries are, you know your space, being you and another person that you are a separate person… They’re losing that connection to themselves. I would say it’s codependency, is not having a connection with self.’

This disconnection was portrayed throughout her account, which appeared mostly fragmented, chaotic and difficult to make sense of. It is interesting to note in the quote above that Heather used the 2nd and 3rd person to talk about her experience (pronouns in bold to facilitate localisation in the text) - the first person, the ‘I’, did not appear. Whilst she may have been trying to generalise about the experience of co- dependents, her use of language possibly exemplifies the unclear sense of self portrayed, and it is possible to suggest that she may have needed to relate to something external to her (‘they – the codependents’) from which to draw a sense of self. This need for an external reference experienced by Heather is also shared by other participants and is discussed in detail as part of the subtheme: The Searching

self, who looks for answers.

Similarly to Misha, Heather also suggested that codependents may lack boundaries around themselves, and hence a lack of sense of definition and individuality.

‘And knowing what boundaries are, you know your space, being you and another person that you are a separate person. Because, I think codependents have such a problem with boundaries, but if you aren’t aware of your emotions, how could you have boundaries, how could you know, how, which are your emotions and which are other people’s?’

It is possible that both Heather and Misha may have been drawn to the concept of boundaries from the number of therapists and self-help books which they used to bring some meaning to their lifeworlds; this is explored as part of subtheme: The

Like the other participants, Helena perceived codependents as lacking a sense of wholeness and completeness. She introduced an interesting point of view proposing that codependents do not feel like they are good enough or have the right to exist unless they are doing things for other people. She alluded that this activity may be related to a need to obtain a sense of themselves and to justify their own existence. Similarly, Helena also referred to the experience of self as something that is external to her, using mostly pronouns such as: ‘they, them and we’ to describe the experience (pronouns in bold to facilitate localisation in the text). Note how she constantly switched back and forth between I/we to they/them, including the really confusing statement “we regain your right to existence”.

‘Yeah, and that makes them feel that they have a right to exist, it gives them a reason to be here. But somehow the reason, just I look after myself is not enough and painful. Because at some point they were told that they weren’t enough. So if they can be lots for other people and doing lots for other people, then they are somebody …the sort of almost by doing for other people, we regain your right to existence.’

Helena identified the connection between ‘doing for others’ and ‘being’, as giving codependents a sense of meaning to their own existence. Although Helena gave a negative connotation to this for example, she suggested that in order to justify their existence codependents find themselves doing things for others; nonetheless, it is possible that ‘in doing for others’, the person finds some form of meaning or self- affirmation, which may also be related to being noticed and valued by others. However, it may also be possible to suppose that these individuals may take this ‘doing for others’ a step too far, to a point where they lose a sense of self, or perhaps experience a lack of self-definition, or a merging with others, as it will be demonstrated in the next subtheme – The Chameleon self, who blends in.

An undefined sense of self was described by the participants as similar to

difficulties with visibility, self-expression, lack of assertiveness, and minimisation of their needs. For example, Jonathan reported experiencing codependency as:

‘Codependency I think, is a way of losing yourself, my experience is that when you suffer from codependency you have no sense of…, you have no ego, you have no agenda, you have no feelings, you have no right to have your wishes met, you are invisible, you don’t belong’.

Selma also identified this sense of invisibility and lack of self-expression when she recalled the experience of being pregnant at the age of 13, dissociating from self, and not being noticed by those around her. She spoke about living with six siblings and her mother, a busy household, where she was expected to look after the younger ones and perform household chores – an experience where she found herself ‘doing for others’ most of her time.

‘I was pregnant here and nobody knew (showing me her pictures). ..nobody knew until I was 6 months! … I didn’t tell anyone, not friends not anyone…There was something, something wrong to not question, to not try and find out what was wrong with me, you know, that nobody did, nobody took the time to, nobody noticed!’ (Selma)

When Selma says ‘nobody noticed’, she is portraying a sense of abandonment and sadness as no one acknowledged/recognised her situation or looked after her as a child (as explored above in relation to the potential meanings of her patchwork quilt). Here a more interpretative stance may suggest that she was possibly regretting that her existence was not noticed by those who mattered in her life and that she had internalised this sense of invisibility.

Similar to others, Mathias spoke about his lack of vivid and clear sense self. ‘Self is

just quite heavily covered, with layers of stuff.’ He spoke metaphorically of a self not expressed or noticed, giving a sense of a hidden self. It appeared that Mathias was attempting to uncover his sense of self, by removing these ‘layers of stuff’. He understood that his discovery of codependency could be something that helped him to discover his true self, as demonstrated below.

‘I think it’s just a word (codependency) that absolutely opens you up, it unfolds to a level which you need to be unfolded to; because that lack that exists within your own self is so deeply buried. I just needed to hear this word to identify areas of lack in my life that needed to be dealt with, and I either deal with them or somebody will mention that word again…’

He spoke also about a sense of struggle or lack that he found within himself. Mathias was unable to identify what this lack was related to; he suggested that codependency could be something like a ‘key word’ which could unlock him, as he progressed in his journey of searching for self.

An interesting point emerged in relation to Timothy who did not speak about his sense of self. Timothy spoke much about other people, conveying a sense of entanglement in all his relationships. It is possible that Timothy’s sense of self was hidden or enmeshed in his relationships, explaining his lack of visibility, expression and representation in this subtheme. This experience is explored further under the subtheme: The searching Chameleon self, who blends in which portrays the idea of a chameleon self, a self which is tailored to suit the environment.

Patricia also spoke very little about her sense of visible self, preferring to discuss issues around lack of self value and low self-esteem, discussed in the next subsection.

A (2). Experiencing a negative sense of self.

Whilst discussing their fragile sense of self, five of the participants spoke about experiencing a negative sense of self, as for example mentioned by Patricia’s quote below.

‘…yeah but a lot of it [codependency] revolves around valuing self. Yeah, but I have always known that self-esteem was one of the major issues for me …’

An item (see below) brought by Heather to the interview may be useful to illustrate this subtheme.

Heather interrupted her discourse to apply the make-up. She would often look at herself in the mirror, then turn her gaze to me and ask if she looked nice, revealing a deep need for reassurance and acceptance. Heather appeared to convey a message that she was attempting to make herself attractive, improve her self-

esteem, and make some form of good impression on me. It is possible that this exchange may exemplify a deep uncertainty about her self-esteem. This experience appears to be shared by four other participants, and will be discussed below.

However, before elaborating on this experience, a reflection on the use of the term ‘self-esteem’ is relevant. As discussed previously, all of the participants attended some form of the recovery group or therapy. It is likely that their accounts may have been influenced by the knowledge obtained as a result of their participation in these forms of psychological interventions. For example, although the psychological term ‘self-esteem’ is often used to describe the experiences in this context, it may also be possible that they had experienced low self-esteem before engaging with the various forms of therapy which provided the vocabulary needed for them to articulate the experience. On the whole, participants considered low-self-esteem to be an important part of their experience of codependency, and therefore worth being reflected upon. The account below by Misha exemplifies the importance of self-esteem and self-value, as shared by these participants’ experiences of codependency.

‘I feel my self-esteem has been destroyed. I didn’t think that I mattered enough. So I was always trying to find an esteem from people …I was such in sort of crises of self-esteem. I think, it’s low self-esteem. I think it’s not believing that I’m worth, I ‘m worth doing well for.’

Misha spoke very negatively about her self-esteem, referring to it as ‘destroyed’ and described a sense of struggle with creating a more positive sense of self. It appears that for Misha, her lack of positive self-esteem may have been related to the value she placed on herself. Misha’s overall account was centred around issues of low self-esteem, which she associates directly with her experience of codependency. It appears that Misha perceived low self-esteem as one way in which her codependency manifested itself in her lifeworld. She portrayed a strong sense of frustration and disappointment with herself; note how in the quote below, she repeated the sentence ‘I felt bad about myself’ four times, emphasising the negative impact that these experiences of a low sense of self had on her life.

‘And I think that when I started to do that [behave irresponsibly, like a bad girl] and I realised that the worse thing that happened was that I felt bad about myself. I felt look there you go. I felt bad about myself. But I felt bad about myself, then now I will just feel bad about myself.’

Selma used the hyperbole ‘horrendously’ to show her struggle with issues associated with a negative self-image (hyperbole in bold):

‘…before I use to think that I was horrendously ugly. I use to think that I was fat, so had sort of borderline anorexia, my life and hated the, my face, hated the ways it looked, hated that I was black and not white. That I just, constant comparison of myself, I had massive jealousy and low self-esteem, like, I even had no self-esteem, but I had nurtured a bravado, and a false confidence …’

Equally, a low sense of self was also described by Jonathan, who reflected on how he felt in his work situation.

‘I mean for example I feel, I work in an office and I feel very self-conscious in a work place. For 15, 20 years, I felt if I didn’t belong, I felt if people looked down on me, I felt if I shouldn’t really be there, I felt as I should knew who I was, that I was invisible. Going to work, for all those reasons I didn’t feel valued’.

Patricia’s sense of low self-esteem appeared when she spoke about comparing self to others and struggling not to feel better than the other people with whom she shared her recovery. Patricia referred to the experience as something that she had to work on in order to develop a more balanced sense of self, not feeling better nor worse than anybody else.

‘I am different from everybody else, you know taking drugs, I am better than that, and finally had to realise, you know, that I am not better than anybody else. I am not worse than anybody else either, I am just the same, and it has taken a long time really, for that to sink in.’

Overall, the participants shared the experience of lacking a clear sense of self, often perceived negatively and/or as fragmented, associating this with their sense of codependency. The participants appeared not to have a strongly internalised sense of self, needing something external to themselves, like a reference to compare

themselves against, or validation. They all appeared to share an eagerness to search for what they regarded as a clearer concept of self. The next subthemes The

Chameleon self and the Searching self capture their experiences of accommodating

and searching for external forms of reference in their process of self-creation.