Give these instructions to your clients:
1. Whenever you’re stuck in an outdated version of one aspect of your conceptualized self, identify the actual thoughts, emotions, personal scripts, and mental images that no longer represent who you are as a person in terms of that segment of yourself.
2. Use a whiteboard, flip chart, or sheet of paper to write down everything your mind tells you about this outdated aspect of yourself.
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Start with your actual thoughts. Say to yourself, My mind is having the following thoughts about this aspect of myself that no longer represents who I am. Now write down those thoughts.◆
Move on to your personal scripts. Say to yourself, My mind has created the fol-lowing dialogue about this aspect of myself that no longer represents who I am. Now write down the dialogue.◆
Close your eyes and attend to the specific mental images you see with your mind’s eye. Say to yourself, I see the following scary pictures regarding this aspect of myself that no longer represents who I am. Write them all down exactly as you see them.◆
Last, attend to your emotions and body sensations. Say to yourself, I feel the following emotions and body sensations regarding this aspect of myself that no longer represents who I am. Write down these emotions and body sensations.3. Now step away from the board, chart, or paper, putting at least six feet of distance between it and your body. Say to yourself, My mind really has a lot to say about this aspect of myself that no longer represents who I am—how interesting.
4. Do not judge or evaluate what your mind tells you. Instead ask yourself this question:
How helpful is any of this in meeting my goals? Write your answer on a different part of the board, chart, or paper.
5. Ask yourself, What am I willing to accept about what my mind is telling me so I can move forward to live my life and meet my goals? Write your answer on a different part of the board, chart, or paper.
When clients have completed this exercise, tell them that in time and with practice, they’ll find that distancing themselves from what their minds tell them about the outdated aspects of their conceptualized selves will help them defuse from these thoughts. When this happens, clients can begin to view these outdated thoughts, scripts, mental images, and emotions as parts of themselves existing in the distant recesses of their minds that don’t have to control their behavior in the present moment.
Experiential Avoidance
As I mentioned in chapter 3, experiential avoidance is the exact opposite of openness to new experience. Most of your clients come to you because intellectually they want to experi-ence new things and they understand how important it is to move in new directions. Often, however, there’s a world of difference between knowing something and actually doing it.
Take Christos, for example. Christos is a former student of mine who wants to become a clinical psychologist. He understands the need to earn his master’s and doctoral degrees, and he has done his due diligence by researching programs in clinical psychology across the country. Admissions standards vary, and competition for scholarships and graduate-teaching and research assistantships is fierce. An excellent student but with just average graduate examination scores, Christos has a much better chance of getting into a smaller, less prestigious university in a different part of the country. Yet he has confined his search to institutions within thirty-five miles from his home in northern New Jersey, so he can continue to live with his extended family. He’s the first in his family to obtain a bachelor’s degree, and his family is very proud of him. They also want him to continue living at home so he can attend a graduate school in the immediate area and commute.
Christos comes to me to discuss this and help him get unstuck. I’ve known Chris for several years, having had him as a student in three of my undergraduate classes. He earned
“A”s in all three, so I know he values education in general and getting a doctoral degree in particular.
Chris already did a lot of values-clarification work with me in his undergraduate classes, so we quickly get to the heart of the matter, which is a values conflict he has between his future schooling and being with his family. He hopes there’s a way to remain true to both values, but he avoids telling his family about it because he doesn’t want to face the painful reality of potentially leaving home to accomplish his educational goals and meet his dreams.
Part of Chris’s problem with avoidance is that he isn’t even applying to any programs.
By avoiding even applying, he risks being shut out of attending graduate school anywhere for a full year. Most of the programs he’s interested in do not enroll at midyear, so he has about three weeks to get his applications finalized and sent off. He has avoided sending the applications in, because as long as he does this, he won’t have to have the dreaded discus-sion with his family. He can continue working in his father’s restaurant and go to graduate school part-time at night in a nearby university, even though that’s not what he really wants to do. He’d much rather attend graduate school full-time and live away, totally immersing himself in the university experience.
It is interesting to learn that some of Chris’s personal scripts and thoughts about family are very rigid and don’t allow for things like independent-living arrangements, leaving the area (even temporarily), and not working part-time in the family business. These scripts are all outdated because they really belong to his family, not him—at least not anymore. He needs to accept this and start moving forward by developing new family scripts. We explore different scenarios related to his plans and family values. One such scenario revolves around
the notion of permanence. After a while Chris begins to see that he does not have to view the immediate changes in his life that he’s considering (living away at a graduate school that offers him an assistantship) as permanent conditions. This leaves the door open for him to return to the life he is temporarily leaving to attend graduate school. This subtle language shift opens the door for him to discuss the issue with his parents and stop avoiding it. You can use the following exercise to help clients defuse when they’ve fallen into the permanence trap.