Use this exercise to help your clients defuse from any of the three “P” traps (the perma-nence trap, the personalization trap, and the pervasiveness trap) discussed in chapter 2. You might want to go back and reread those respective sections in that chapter before using this activity with your clients. This exercise works particularly well with whatever clients view as permanent issues that are, in fact, just temporary.
Give these instructions to your clients:
1. Whenever you fall into the permanence trap, identify the actual thoughts, emotions, personal scripts, and mental images related to your feeling that whatever issue you are stuck in is permanent.
2. Say to yourself, My mind is telling me the following things about the permanence of this condition, then, using a whiteboard, flip chart, or sheet of paper, write down everything your mind tells you about this outdated aspect of yourself.
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Start with your actual thoughts. Say to yourself, My mind is having the following thoughts about the permanence of this condition. Now write down those thoughts.◆
Move on to your personal scripts. Say to yourself, My mind has created the follow-ing dialogue about the permanence of this condition. Now write down the dialogue.◆
Close your eyes and attend to the specific mental images you see. Say to your-self, I see the following scary pictures regarding the permanence of this condition.Write them all down exactly as you see them.
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Last, attend to your emotions and body sensations. Say to yourself, I feel the following emotions and body sensations regarding the permanence of this condition.Write down these emotions and body sensations.
3. Now step away from the board, chart, or paper, putting at least six feet of distance between it and your body. Say to yourself, My mind really has a lot to say about the per-manence of this condition—how interesting.
4. Do not judge or evaluate what your mind tells you. Instead ask yourself this question:
How helpful is any of this in meeting my goals? Write your answer on a different part of the board, chart, or paper.
5. Ask yourself, What am I willing to accept about what my mind is telling me, so I can move forward with living my life and meeting my goals? Write your answer on a different part of the board, chart, or paper.
Here’s an example of this exercise using Christos and his problem. You can set the stage by explaining his situation to clients before going over it.
1. My mind is having the following thoughts about the permanence of this condition: I’ll never come back if I leave. My family will never welcome me back if I leave.
2. My mind has created the following dialogue about the permanence of this condition:
Chris, once you leave home, there’s no coming home because you’ll just forget about your family and friends (Dad speaking to me).
My dad will never welcome me back if I move out of the house and go to school in a differ-ent part of the country.
3. I see the following scary pictures about the permanence of this condition:
I see me standing on the Golden Gate Bridge with a sad look on my face, carrying my suitcase and textbooks.
I see myself returning from graduate school and going back home. I’m standing there trying to get the key to work, when I realize my parents have changed the locks.
I see myself out on the street in front of my parents’ house, looking up at my old bedroom window, with my suitcase, laptop, and textbooks at my feet.
4. I feel the following emotions and body sensations about the permanence of this condi-tion: I’m so sad that I start crying. I’m afraid. I feel my chest tighten, and my eyes start to well up with tears.
5. I step back from what I’ve written down and say out loud: My mind really has a lot to say about the permanence of this condition—how interesting.
6. My answers to the question, How helpful is any of this in meeting my goals? are:
Not helpful at all.
They keep me stuck.
They do nothing to resolve the problem.
7. I am willing to accept the following, so I can move forward with living my life and meeting my goals:
I’m willing to accept my troubling thoughts and personal scripts.
I’m willing to accept my scary mental images and painful emotions.
I’m willing to accept the idea that I don’t have to control, avoid, or eliminate these things my mind tells me before I start moving toward my goal of going to graduate school wherever I get the best offer.
After your client has completed this exercise, reinforce what you’ve already told your client about how powerful unhelpful thoughts, scripts, mental images, and emotions can be and why it’s important to be able to take a self-as-context view of them. Explain that by learning how to step back and view these unhelpful thoughts, scripts, mental images, and emotions as just part of who we are rather than as the totality of ourselves, we can step away from them and defuse their power. Being able to view them for what they are (things our minds tell us about our goals) makes it easier to accept them and be willing to move forward, while bringing them along for the ride.
INACTION, IMPULSIVITY, AND RIGIDITY
Inaction is standing still instead of moving forward. Your clients’ failure to set clear goals and measurable objectives is a form of inaction. As you’ve seen in this chapter, inaction can be due to any of the core psychological processes we’ve already discussed or any combination of them. For example, if your client has a values conflict that leads to avoidance, as Christos
did, it’s easy to see how this can lead to avoiding action. Inaction is often cleared up by clarifying values, resolving values conflicts, and setting clear goals and measurable objectives.
As mentioned, impulsive behavior is often linked to avoidance and falling into the hap-piness trap. Impulsive behavior can occur because clients are unsure of their values and goals or want to avoid the pain and suffering inherent in hard work and deferred gratifica-tion. One way to help clients stop being so impulsive is to get them to set goals that are consistent with their own values rather than those of other people. If they can buy into the goals because the goals represent what they truly want, they are more likely to stop acting in ways that threaten their ability to meet those goals. The other thing that can help is to work with clients to set small, obtainable, measurable objectives that allow them to see their successes. Success builds success, and meeting their goals one small step at a time can help clients focus on the task at hand, rather than allow their impulsive thoughts to distract them. Last, teaching clients to be mindful of, but not enslaved by, their impulsive thoughts will help them see the thoughts for what they are: thoughts, not marching orders.
Rigidity is directly related to control. Clients who are rigid want to be able to control, avoid, or eliminate factors that trigger threatening thoughts and feelings. As a coach you need to teach your clients about the fallacy of trying to control their troubling thoughts, personal scripts, painful emotions, and scary mental images. Giving up control is a key element in becoming more flexible. Clients need to understand that they can set goals and move forward with their action plans without having to control all of the variables that could possibly affect them. They need to understand that their minds are capable of nonstop rumination about all of the potential threats to their plans. Trying to work out and control for all of these possibilities is not only fruitless; it also keeps them stuck.