Doing Things Together

If you are to actually achieve some sort of synergistic relationship then it is imperative that you do things together and that you not wind up killing each other as a result. Every time I remember my mom and dad attempting to wall paper our kitchen together back when I was a youngster it gives me nightmares and sets my therapy back by about a year. All I recall was a blur of shouting and wheat paste resulting in a functionally unusable kitchen for some period of time. My advice would be to simplify the entire concept of doing things together and just go shopping with her.

• Shopping. Go shopping with her. I don’t know any better way to ease you into this subject. There is no more useful time you can spend with her than shopping. You will learn everything there is to learn about your woman by going shopping with her. Now as far as men need to be concerned about there are only two types of shopping. Shopping for food and shopping for clothing. To her it doesn’t matter what she’s shopping for, she loves shopping. You probably see shopping as a necessary evil. This is going to be difficult unless you appear to change your attitude about shopping. Notice I said ‘appear’, nobody expects miracles to happen here.

Now I wouldn’t expect you to actually enjoy shopping since it’s not a natural state for men. Killing something rather than pulling it down off a shelf is more in keeping with what a man would consider a fun-filled afternoon. Regardless of how you feel about shopping, you’re going to need to appear to enjoy it, because if you do not, then she will not want you to go with her. While this may sound like the best of all possible worlds it is not, trust me. She would really love it if you enjoyed shopping as much as she does, which is not going to be possible but it’s a nice thought. So, let’s go through each type of

shopping experience so that you will know what to expect. It’s the Devil you don’t know, that's the one you have to worry about, right?

♂ Shopping for Food. Note that she might call this “Going to the store” as opposed to using the word shopping. Often the term shopping is reserved for anything other than food, which is usually going to be clothing or shoes. Food shopping is the best that the shopping experience will get for a man, and most men don’t even realize it. What I think most men fail to realize is that supermarkets are absolutely great! It’s because that’s where all the stuff is; the beer, the chips, the dips, all the Bar-B-Que makin's and fixin's. Everything you could ever want and it’s all in one convenient place. Wow, my eyebrows are sweating just thinking about it.

But there’s a catch here. If you go shopping with her, and start piling the kind of crap you really want into the basket, she will make you put all of that stuff back on the shelves and wait for her in the car. So, consider another approach. When you’re walking down an aisle and come upon something that you really want (say the potato chips with extra salt and real fat), pick it up looking skyward and say to her, “You know, we haven’t had your parents over for a barbeque in quite a while.” She will be stunned for about 10 seconds during which you can quickly put the bag of chips into the cart. You need to quickly follow this up with additional planning for the meal with beer, ribs, dips, potato salad, etc. etc. Get the idea? You can pretty much have whatever you want as long as you say it’s for something that will really please her.

♂ Shopping for Clothes. This is real shopping. If you have never gone shopping with a woman who is shopping for clothes, then brother you haven’t lived. Here is what’s likely

to transpire when you go clothes shopping with a woman.

You will get into the store of her choice in which half of the clothing looks like it’s made of burlap and the other half from an old leather couch. You may see a sad cadre of men sitting or lingering waiting impatiently for their women, but more often than not there will only be other women in the store. If they notice you at all, it will only be to admire the woman to whom you belong.

To begin with, do not comment on any article of clothing unless she asks you for your opinion. If she is not wearing it, ask her to try it on. She will love this as it’s a good indicator of your interest. You need to remember that much of what she’s picking out will be in hopes that it’s something you will like. It’s important that you like what she thinks you’ll like.

Realistically, you probably don’t care about her wardrobe as long as she doesn’t leave the house looking like a hooker. Oh, don’t get me wrong, she can look like a hooker. She just can’t leave the house.

You need to know up front that going shopping with her for clothing will be an all day excursion. Don’t expect to get back for that 1:00PM kick-off or even the 6:00 game. That’s right, you’re going to not only be with her the entire day, but you’re also going to spend a large part of it discussing her wardrobe.

While shopping, make sure that you don’t whine and complain. If you do go with her, make sure it’s a pleasant experience for you both; get that in your head up front. To quote one of the greatest movies of all time, “You’re going to get your mind right.” Yes, this is quite the sacrifice on your part, but the good part is that she will understand this and will, in some uniquely female fashion, reciprocate.

I would again like to suggest that you try not to engage in doing too much together other than shopping. My Ex and I used to do things together. Quite a few things in fact ranging from skydiving and rafting to arguing and fighting.

It was almost always fun and exciting. Yeah, fun. Let me relate to you an event which occurred some 8 years ago.

During that impetuous decade of the 90's, we all said and did some crazy things. I was no exception. As I was losing my hair anyway, I decided to spend most of that decade bald. Yes, I had no hair. I enjoyed the ease with which hair care could now be accomplished, and my Ex liked the look. Plus she had some interesting and unexpected uses for a bald head. I can’t relate the specifics of that here, but if interested you can always pick-up my new Sex Manual for Real Couples called, “Ouch, get off my hair!”.

So, back to the story. The way in which I would achieve this baldness was through a synergistic process in which we could both share. She shaved my head in the shower. Though this was not a time consuming process, she quickly tired of the fun and suggested an alternative. Her idea, which now looking back in retrospect still sounds good, was to wax my head. Wax my head?

Sure, she did it all the time on her legs and arms. It was no big deal, just a little hot wax and off comes the hair - no problem.

Well, it sounded good to me. I mean, a little hot wax? Come on I was a man, I could take the pain of a little hot wax. Particularly when here was this petite little woman, barely 100lbs. if that, who had certainly endured so much more pain than this all in the name of vanity, modesty or fashion.

OK, hot wax out of the microwave, towel over shoulders, head over sink. Smelled and looked a bit like honey. She spread it on the top of my head with what appeared to be a thick Popsicle stick. It was very hot, but not agonizingly so. I had let my hair grow for about 12 days prior to the wax being applied. My Ex said that the wax needed something to grab onto. Sounded like solid logic to me. So, now the wax had been applied and it was time to

gently peel it off. “No, you don’t peel it off. You rip it off”, she corrected. I couldn’t quite picture what she was saying and was about to begin to ponder the position I had gotten myself into when she added, “...and we’d better hurry because the wax is cooling.” Christ!

She grabbed my head in one arm, latched onto some of the wax with the other hand, and yanked with all of her 100lb might.

Approximately 4 hairs from the front of my head actually came out. The remainder staying firmly implanted in my scalp which may, I think, have separated from my skull. At least that was how if felt. The cold, hard wax felt heavy on my aching head. If there were feathers it would have been like getting tarred and feathered. I had to scrape the wax off of my head under warm running water using my fingernails. It took hours. My Ex laughed so hard she peed her pants. This is synergy.