Thinking about Her First

There are always struggles in every relationship. These often take the form of power sharing strategies, most of which are selfish, self-serving and ultimately destructive. Following the advice of these questionable philosophies, ones life ends-up being in a never-ending and unfulfilling power struggle. Well, what if we changed that strategy? What if both parties in the relationship tried thinking about one another first. Quite the concept, eh? Imagine the relationship resulting from this type of interaction.

This is very difficult initially, as there is quite a bit of trust involved. You need to trust that your partner will be thinking of you and your needs first while you are, in turn, thinking of theirs. Though it takes a while to get into this, it will actually keep things in balance quite well. It actually only works, however, if you really love and trust one another. It doesn’t work well otherwise and the results often involve legal teams bearing writs and torts and other such annoyances.

• Her Birthday. Do not forget her Birthday. This is something you don’t want to screw-up. Consider the following: I remember it like it was yesterday. We were camping one summer; June as I remember.

After a day of fishing, water skiing and swimming my Dad, Sister and I were sitting outside the camper waiting for dinner while Mom was in the camper cooking. There were few trees there and my Sister was complaining about how hot it was, when from inside the camper we heard an odd noise. We couldn’t quite place it at first, then it grew louder until we realized that it was Mom crying inside the camper. My Dad ran into the camper and the sobbing quieted down after a few seconds. After several minutes he came out of the camper, walked up to my Sister and I, pointed a stubby finger at us and said, “You forgot your Mother's Birthday”. And so we had. Though, it’s not possible to apologize for that particular transgression, time does heal all wounds.

Did she ever forgive us? Yes, of course. Does she laugh about it now?

Absolutely. Will she ever forget about it? Never.

I need to repeat this once again: Do not forget her Birthday! I would suggest that you tattoo her birth date on the inside part of your ankle.

We’ll deal with what to do about the tattoo, should you two eventually break-up, at another time. Also, make sure that you get her something romantic for her birthday. Do not, and I want to make this very clear, do not buy her an automatic garage door opener for her Birthday. I had to learn that one the hard way. This book is pure gold isn’t it?

• Your Anniversary. As romantic as your birthday present is expected to be, the anniversary present should be even more so. Something along the lines of a trail of red rose petals leading to the bedroom where chilled champagne in a silver bucket and (really expensive) jewelry on the pillow await, would be sufficient. Just as in the birthday segment, let me issue a warning here: You’re going to want to make sure that you put a lot of thought into the gifts for her. Gifts such as; a lawn mower, a humidor, sheepskin seat covers, drill press, bag of golf

tees, or a hand-made coupon drawn in Crayola for “Some Real Lovin”

from her oh so thoughtful man, would only serve to make your life a living hell. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so.

Let’s begin by taking a deep breath. We don’t want to panic here, women can smell fear. What you’re going to want to do is to prepare for your upcoming anniversary. Fortunately, what will probably happen is that several weeks prior to your anniversary, your woman will begin hinting around for something specific which she would like as an anniversary present. Pay attention! You’ll never know when it will come or what form it will take, but that hint will likely be there somewhere. Your only job is to listen, pay attention and purchase you’re best guess as to what it is she really wants (make sure you keep the receipt). Note: don’t come out and just ask her what she wants.

This will only demonstrate to her, all too clearly, that you in fact know nothing about her. Your life will become a living hell until the Grim Reaper finally releases your tormented soul. Those who say that life is short had never forgotten an anniversary gift. It can be long, very long.

• Birthdays & Anniversaries. This section involves the birthdays and anniversaries of other people, such as relatives. You are, fortunately, not required to memorize anything of this nature, this is pretty much a given. This is good news for you as you’ve got more important things to worry about anyway. Usually she will have a calendar somewhere with this information written down on it. If you do find this calendar, you’ll find it’s probably chocked-full of information concerning, not only birthdays and anniversaries, but also upcoming events in which you are likely to have to participate. While you may not be responsible for knowing the details of birthdays and anniversaries, you will be required to participate in the thoughtful gift selection.

This is so much fun for the woman, men simply have no idea. Here’s what will happen. She has already decided on the gift you two are

going to give for some upcoming event. Let’s say it’s a birthday for Aunt Rose. She’ll be 72 on Tuesday. Your woman mentions to you that Aunt Rose’s birthday is fast approaching. Your first thought is,

“Who the hell is Aunt Rose”? But you don’t get a chance to ponder that as she then asks you what you think Aunt Rose would like for her birthday. You barely have a clue as to what’s happening in your own life, let alone what a 72-year-old woman would want for her birthday.

But you are willing to make an effort and so you offer a meager attempt at an answer and stammer something like, “Maybe a toaster”.

That’s it – you’ve screwed-up. It’s all downhill (or perhaps uphill) from there. You will now be required to defend your ridiculous gift selection. This is not what you want to have happen. Never offer an actual idea for a gift. What you want to say is something along the lines of, “Darling, you know her so well. Why don’t you pick out something she’d love from the both of us. You have such wonderful taste. I love you. Your hair looks wonderful.” Is that good or what?

She’ll never see through this clever ruse.

• Valentine’s Day. This is, for most men, a thoroughly forgettable holiday. Were it not for the occasional commercial and the surprising quantity of red and white hearts and flowers at the market, men would likely not remember this holiday at all and would, thus, spend the next two weeks wondering why his women is angry. Women typically would not remind a man that Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching.

They long for a romantic evening with the man of their dreams. So make it happen, you fool. You don’t have to deal with this but once a year, One would think that you could put the remote down for the time it takes to order flowers and make dinner reservations. Anything beyond this from her man would be almost too much for most women to comprehend, given that they know their men better than they know themselves.

• Notice New Things. This is going to be difficult, you’re not going to like it and you’re probably not going to practice anyway. I don’t even know why I bother. Anyway, if you can possibly manage it, try to notice and remember things about her. Her hair style, her shoes, eye shadow, moles dresses, scars, whatever you can think of. If any of these things change and you happen to notice, you might casually mention to her that you think the change is wonderful (even if it’s not).

This may seem like a small thing to do, but you would be surprised how much these seemingly simple acts mean to her.

She will feel that you are taking notice and paying attention to her.

These are good things for her to think. She wants to be the most important person in your life and your taking an interest in her will go a long ways towards instilling these feelings in her. Again, this is not going to be easy, I know there are just so many things you’re going to be able to notice let alone remember. Just do your best, she’ll understand. She knows you probably don’t even remember what you had for breakfast this morning and will just be thrilled at your attempt to take a greater interest in her.

Exercise 6.3 - Why do we do it?

If we take this relationship concept to an extreme we may find ourselves, how shall we say, married. Just exactly how we get ourselves into this position is never very clear to the man who finds himself standing at the alter. His head is a swirling, foggy cloud of buzzing bees that won’t let him think straight. He feels nauseous and the last thing he can remember is being in bed with someone (this woman next to him?) saying, “I love you too”. And now he’s standing next to her about to say, “I do too”. So, why do we do it? Why do men actually go ahead and get married?

A man will marry a woman in the hope that she won’t change. She will. Why is this the case do you think? Well, I think it has to do with the way in which a

woman sees herself in the marriage. She now has responsibility. Lot’s of responsibilities - while a man, as soon as he becomes a husband, thinks to himself, “This is great, someone to do all the housework and cook and sew and sweat and toil and, not to mention, all that free sex.” First of all let’s get something straight buster, as far as a man is concerned sex is never free. In one way or another, you’ll pay.

The second thing I’d like to point out is that women are not likely to be of the same opinion as to their upcoming role in the marriage. From the female perspective, marriage is a partnership. The union of two people who will be working toward the same goals, with the same hopes and desires for a shared future. This means that there's work to do. Lot’s of work. Especially for you, you lazy good-for-nothing. Her mother always said you would never amount to anything. This is important as your woman will do whatever it takes to prove her mother wrong, even if it means she has to take you apart and completely rebuild you into something of which her mother would approve.

Sound insane? Well, now that you’re married it’s time to impart a bit-o-wisdom to you. I waited until you’re already married because this bit-o-wisdom has sent many a man heading for the hills and now you’re legally bound to stay. While it may seem that women are at times somewhat irrational, the fact is that just below that thin outer layer of lunacy is a very solid foundation of rationality. A rock solid foundation of logical granite it is. That foundation, however, was seemingly constructed on an unstable gravel pit of insanity which, if even slightly jarred, will reveal its true nature by swallowing your pride and self-worth like a lioness on a sick gazelle.

So, one of our goals once we’re married would be to not jar this gravel pit of whatever in any way at all. One way in which to accomplish this would be to make sure there is never an appearance or hint of any word, action or deed which she could misconstrue as “not being on her side”. Though as crude as that statement may be, I don’t think I could put it any more succinctly or

accurately. I can’t underestimate the importance of always appearing to be with her, on her side. This is especially true in any public setting.

Years ago I ate fast food. Lots of fast food. I did this not only because I was poor, but because my girlfriend worked at Burger King and could get loads of food for free. I had no idea that this stuff was clogging my arteries and would be lodged in my colon until the Clinton is back in office. One day she and I decided to get ourselves some free burgers. She dropped me off at the front as I really had to use the bathroom. Once I came out of the bathroom I noticed everyone looking out of the front window.

Looking out there as well I saw Leslie, my girlfriend, standing next to her newly dented Le Car. She was arguing with a very large guy standing next to a very large truck cover with lots of small confederate flags. I ran out there to see what I could do, which hopefully was nothing. Leslie immediately sized my arm, shoved my face into the redneck’s huge chest and said, “Tell this stupid ass that I didn’t hit him!” Well, alrighty then. Now we have a memory in the making. There are precious few times when one knows that no matter what happens within the next few seconds, you’ll remember it for the rest of your life. That is provided, of course, that you will be able to remember anything at all.

So, here’s what I did. I apologized. Yup, that’s what I did. If my knees would have been able to bend I would have been down on them, but they wouldn’t and so I wasn’t. I did, however, ask this very large man’s forgiveness which was received in the form of a disgusted smirk, a mispronounced expletive and a cloud of exhaust. I attempted to explain to Leslie afterward that not only had I not seen the accident, but that I had no desire to have my dental work mucked with. This worked about as well as you’d imagine it would have worked which was not at all. She said that I should have agreed with her regardless of whether or not I had seen the accident. She said this while packing stuff to leave. I noticed that it was my stuff she was packing as I wondered where

I was going. As it turned out it didn’t much matter to her where I went as my mutinous self was no longer welcomed. At that point in time I didn’t understand. A few nights at the “Y” cleared things right up for me.

* Women *

You’ve had yourself a fairly good life. Things were going fine, you had friends, hopes for the future, dreams of a better life to come. Then from out of nowhere this big lug of a guy comes into your life and, BAM, instant project. Your place is now a mess, you find empty milk cartons in the fridge, you have no time for any of your friends, there’s a new yellow stain on the bathroom floor, clothing is always cast about without regard to cleanliness, you’ve taken up drinking in the early afternoon and you’ve only been together for three weeks now. It will get better, trust me. That is, it will as long as you get up off of your butt and properly train this thing which now lives in your house. So, get yourself a rolled-up newspaper and a shock collar and let’s get to work.