You, Before and After

This exercise is just something to think about and reflect upon. When a man comes into a woman’s life it’s as if she’s just received a square 200 pound, 6-foot tall block of granite on her door step. She sees this big lump of a thing sitting there taking up space on her porch and in her life. Well, she can’t very well deal with this thing as it is, so what does she do? She does what every good woman does. She drags this thing in the house and cleans it up, wipes it down, picks the crust out of its eyes and basically prepares this thing for the onslaught to come. Next she gets out her hammer and chisel, metaphorically speaking, or sometimes not, and starts chipping away at this poor slob of a guy to see what’s really under there.

And that’s pretty much what actually happens. She’ll begin chipping away at you with subtle nagging, thinly veiled suspicion, vague characterizations concerning your family, doubts about your manhood until there’s nothing more left to chip away. Then, when your standing there naked and defenseless, she’ll decide whether or not she actually wants to keep you. She may not, so be prepared to rebuild your soul quickly because there’s more date’s awaitin' out there.

There is a much more devious manner in which women will chip away at that stubborn exterior of the male. It’s difficult to explain, but it involves the subtle manipulation of the male into situations in which he will likely fail or, at the very least, will become embarrassed. Or sometimes only for entertainment purposes. Regardless, of the motivation the deviousness of these actions cannot be overstated. Let me relate the following story which will illustrate what I mean:

Many years ago my girlfriend, Carol, and I took a trip to Big Bear for some R&R. As my car was in the shop we had taken her car, a Honda Accord. Before we left I told her that I wouldn’t be able to help her drive as it was not an automatic and I had never learned to drive a stick. She had no problem with driving the 3 hours there and back. Well, wouldn’t you know that on the way back she decided that she was just too tired to drive any further and so guess who was elected to drive. Yes, that’s right; the only person in the car who did not know how to drive a stick.

She said that it would be easy for me to drive a stick and that once I got into 3rd or 4th gear I wouldn’t have to bother with that shifting thing any longer. So, what the hell.

We had stopped at a deserted intersection somewhere near Apply Valley where we swapped places in the car.

Immediately 4 other cars showed up at the intersection, including an impatient little guy in a big truck behind me.

Carol said that since the car was still running I could just put the car in gear and get going.

Well, I wasn't an idiot. I’d watched people drive manual transmissions before. I had a good idea of the basics. So I put the clutch in, shifted into gear, let out the clutch, moved forward about 2 feet and promptly stalled the car. I was slowly edging into the intersection trying to restart the car when Carol began laughing. I popped the clutch once again and started moving forward, but only a few inches at which

point the car again stalled. The other cars began honking as I was now blocking the entire intersection. Carol was laughing so hard that she couldn’t tell me that I was trying to start out in 3rd gear. I was trying to get out of that intersection for almost 5 minutes. Giving up I just got out, walked to the side of the road and sat down. Carol regained her composure, came to her senses and finally drove us home. I didn’t talk to her the entire way back.

Exercise 3.3 - Apologies

I can hear you men now, “Why should I apologize to her? I didn’t do nothing”. Oh you fool, have you learned nothing? OK, let’s go over this slowly. Consider the all too common occurrence: She’s mad at you and you’re not sure why. All that you know is that something is bothering her. Sound familiar? So, what do you usually do. You end up apologizing to her without knowing why you’re doing so. Men make this mistake only once (or twice if you’re stupid). She will immediately ask why you’re apologizing. You will have to admit to her that you don’t know why you’re apologizing which will generate yet another round of apologies. A vicious circle, no?

Now, had you been born a woman you would know what’s bothering her. And what’s bothering her is typically the fact that you, her man, her one and only partner in life, the person who is closer to her than anyone in the world, doesn’t know what's bothering her. That’s right, she often feels that you really know nothing about her and furthermore have no interest in learning. Since you are a man, you continue to have no idea why she should be upset because, well, it still doesn’t make any sense does it? Be patient, little Locust, one day you too may understand.

Whether or not you understand the preceding Zen Koan, you will need to deal with this situation effectively. Of course, the best way to apologize to a woman is to apologize for something you’ve actually done wrong. At least here you know what you’re apologizing for, whereas in some situations you

may not. Well, fear not gentlemen. I have here the cure for what ails ya. That’s right guys, gather around and sample Dr. Patience’ Generic Apology Elixir.

Distilled from the finest phrases found throughout the world this tonic should work wonders for any situation in which you find you are confused, tired and lacking focus. And so without further ado, here you go: “Darling, I am sorry I have not taken the time to understand you and your needs. My desire to provide for you and your comfort has tragically robbed us of our precious time together. I promise to be more attentive to you in the future my darling sweetheart.” This, guys, is as good as it gets.

The next best way to apologize is to apologize for something you’ve actually done wrong. Now, having said that, try not to apologize for anything she may only suspect you of, but has no proof. Only cop to something she can prove.

However, once your guilt has been proven admit everything immediately. This may sound like a contradiction, but we’re not necessarily discussing something rational here so bear with me. The decision as to how to best handle this situation will involve understanding just what it is she thinks you’ve done wrong. You need to figure out why she’s angry regardless of the difficulty. Then, at least you’ve got some specifics concerning your transgression. You can sprinkle these specifics liberally throughout your subsequent apology to add credence and believability. Be sincere, though. A woman can see the lies in your eyes.

Consider, however, the scenario in which you may be accused of something you had not done. This happens more often than you would think, particularly if you’re in the habit of actually doing things for which you end up in trouble.

Given that this is not the case this time, and that you are innocent, you’ve got two choices here:

• Prove her wrong. Yeah, this is a good idea. Prove her wrong thus exonerating yourself and pissing her off in the process. Present your evidence, call your witnesses, file your writ of Habeas Corpus and show in excruciating detail how and why she is wrong. This will gain

you the day, but lose you the night - if you get my drift. You have to ask yourself, just what is it you’re after here anyway? To be right and alone on the couch, or wrong with her in bed. The choice, as they say, is yours.

• Apologize. Yes, that’s right, apologize at once for whatever it was you’ve been accused. Ask for her forgiveness and make sure you sound sincere. Don’t sob and don’t whimper. Apologize like a man; on your knees, wearing nothing but an athletic supporter, a lobster bib and a jaunty cap. Try to make your eyes as big as possible, like a puppy’s.

Depending upon what it is you’ve done, one or the other described above may be correct. Try not to do both as she will take you apart like she took apart her Ken Doll when it didn’t call Barbie the day after she finally put out.

Geeze, this therapy doesn’t seem to be helping at all does it? Well, anyway consider the following example:

My friend Jeff and a female co-worker of his went to a store during their lunch break to pick up a present for a colleague.

A friend of Jeff’s wife happened to see them during their shopping excursion. She called and told his wife just what she thought she was seeing which, of course, was wrong.

Jeff’s wife had the afternoon to ponder the situation.

So when Jeff got home that evening he knew something was amiss, by virtue of his clothing strewn about the front lawn.

I guess this is preferable to having ExLax secretly stuffed into ones dinner as had happened to another friend. Jeff instantly and immediately apologized for not telling her sooner about the shopping outing. Though it did take quite some time, as well as quite the number of shinny baubles, she did eventually forgive him. Jeff showed great poise and presence of forethought here by defusing a potentially

Imagine what could have happened if Jeff were to have argued his case rather than apologized to his wife. Again, we need to keep in mind just what is the goal here? Do you really want to prove her wrong? This would likely require a great deal of energy and where will that effort likely lead? To a harmonious home life and a comfortable relationship with your one and only true love? I think not. Look at the big picture and ask yourself if proving her wrong is in your best interest. In my opinion, often it is not.

* Women *

Men are relatively easy to deal with since they’re fairly simple creatures which require no more than basic maintenance (oil, filters, lube, wash, rinse, repeat). Though most men need no more than this and the occasional heaping plate of barbecued ribs to get by, there are additional concerns with which you may want to familiarize yourself.