Children of Divorce Bill of Rights
Step 10: How to Know When You Are Ready to Date and Remarry
Dating
You have to date to mate. If you have allowed at least a year to heal and grow through your divorce, you will know when you are ready to date.
The real problem for most people is the stress of dating as an older adult especially if you have been married for many years. We have identified 4 types of dating styles, 3 of which are not healthy:
One-stop dating. Since you hate the thought of dating, you marry the first person that will say I do. You are not selective. You may just wait to be chosen rather than actively looking and evaluating.
Mission dating. You hate being single so you are on a mission to marry. Marriage preoccupies your mind. You talk about marriage on first dates. You pressure your dates to commit. Your judgment is impaired because your marriage goal is so overriding.
Marathon dating. You’re looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect – usually searching for the opposite trait of the weakness of your ex. You date frantically - as many as you can pack in a week.
You date so much that you become confused and tire of the game. When you burn out, you settle for someone who isn’t the best for you.
Sensible dating. You are not needy or desperate to remarry because you are happy now as a single person with a full social life. You make an active effort to meet appropriate people through friends, the internet, etc. You make no snap decisions. If someone is not right for you, you acknowledge it. You don’t get trapped in long term relationships that offer no marriage potential.
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Evaluate your attitude toward dating
It is helpful to think through how you really feel about dating. Once you face it head-on, you will be able to avoid the unhealthy dating types described above.
Action:
What words come to mind when you hear the word “dating”? Write as many as you can think of below. This will help you profile your attitude toward dating. For example, are you fearful, apprehensive, excited, frustrated, etc.? What do you have to do to avoid becoming a one-stop, mission or marathon dater?
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Identify and challenge any false assumptions you have about dating and the odds of finding a new spouse
Many people are stuck avoiding the dating process because they believe they are undesirable or that there is no one out there for them. Challenge false assumptions and excuses such as:
-there are no single people my age -all men/women are alike
-all the good ones are taken
-no marriage would be as good as my prior one
-I am too unattractive, have too many children, have too much baggage, blah, blah, blah
-I have no time to date
-I have dated so many people; there is no one out there for me -I have had bad experiences dating, therefore it’s hopeless
Action:
Write a list of the implicit assumptions you have about your chances for dating and finding a marriage partner. Ask about each one whether you are using these as just an excuse. See if these assumptions are coloring your attitude toward dating. If you are not dating when you feel you are ready to date, what is stopping you? What active steps do you need to take to increase the odds of meeting some appropriate people?
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Remarriage
If you are in the process of divorce or newly divorced, the last thing on your mind is likely to be remarriage. So why are we discussing it now.
Statistics reveal that while 80% of divorced people remarry, almost 50%
get another divorce. We don’t want you to make that mistake and go through this all over again.
Why do so many remarry and divorce again? Here is what we have learned from conducting a large national survey of redivorced people:
Many subsequent marriages fail because a previous divorce creates circumstances that lead us to remarry before we are ready. As a result, we marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
Divorced people often choose a new spouse from weakness rather than strength
- You are still coping with all the problems of your divorce - You marry out of neediness
- You repeat mistakes because you didn’t learn from the previous marriage
- You marry too quickly – not allowing two years to heal or dating your prospective spouse for less than two years - You ignore red flags you find in the new relationship
- You choose a person recently divorced, someone with many problems, or someone not ready to remarry
Would you want to marry someone who was in your present condition? Then why offer that to someone else. Wouldn’t you want someone who was happy and whole and had it together? Isn’t that what you want to offer someone? Then you have to grow through your divorce and be ready to remarry.
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Take the Ready2Remarry Test
Action: Make a number of copies of the following test. Even though you may be far from being ready to remarry, take the test now. See how you perform. Work on areas where you score poorly. Take the test again in six months to gauge your progress. Avoid getting serious with someone until you score well on all aspects of the test.
The Ready2Remarry Test
Allowed enough time to grieve/recover
(two years or more) [] [] [] [] []
Don’t feel overwhelmed by
responsibilities [] [] [] [] []
Free of excessive fears and anxiety [] [] [] [] []
No addictions to alcohol, drugs
or prescription medicines [] [] [] [] []
131 Balanced spiritually, psychologically
and mentally [] [] [] [] []
Have let go of anger, resentments,
hostilities or mistrust [] [] [] [] []
Have no desire to prove something
or get revenge against ex [] [] [] [] []
Have stopped talking all the
time about my divorce [] [] [] [] []
Am no longer feeling like a victim [] [] [] [] []
Have mentally and physically
let go of ex [] [] [] [] []
Have no feelings of desperation [] [] [] [] []
Have made progress toward
forgiving ex [] [] [] [] []
Feel a sense of peace and stability
in my life [] [] [] [] []
Financial
Have established own accounts,
credit, etc. [] [] [] [] []
132 Am out of debt or have a functioning
plan to accomplish it [] [] [] [] []
Am financially stable
(for at least 18 months) [] [] [] [] []
Not in search of a financial savior [] [] [] [] []
Have resolved all major legal
issues in my divorce [] [] [] [] []
Have my career on track or am
progressing toward it [] [] [] [] []
Social
Have lived without roommates, live-in lovers or parents
(two years or more) [] [] [] [] []
Have a stable set of true friends, acquaintances and supporters, single
and married [] [] [] [] []
Have dropped all negative people [] [] [] [] []
Am not feeling lonely all the time [] [] [] [] []
Have an active social life [] [] [] [] []
133 Have hobbies and interests
that are fulfilling [] [] [] [] []
Parental
Have worked out arrangements
about children with ex [] [] [] [] []
Am taking care of children without
need for a spouse [] [] [] [] []
Am not in search of a co-parenting
savior [] [] [] [] []
Learning
Have learned what my role was
in marriage breakup [] [] [] [] []
Have assumed responsibility for what
I did that led to the divorce [] [] [] [] []
Future
Have a life plan involving relational, personal, vocational, spiritual, financial, educational, family,
health, sexual, and emotional goals [] [] [] [] []
Have evolved a clear idea of my life
purpose and am pursuing it [] [] [] [] []
134 Living Situation
Am not living “in sin” so that guilt becomes a factor in
marital decision [] [] [] [] []
Do not have my ex as part
of my day-to-day life [] [] [] [] []
Am living in the present now,
not in the past [] [] [] [] []
Attitude Toward Remarriage
Believe single life can be as
happy as married life [] [] [] [] []
Have achieved enough self-confidence to avoid the
need to rescue or be rescued [] [] [] [] []
Want to have a marriage partner,
but don’t need to have one [] [] [] [] []
Have no timetable for remarrying [] [] [] [] []
Am not overly craving romance [] [] [] [] []
Have identified the healthy personal needs a committed
relationship would fill [] [] [] [] []
135 Am ready to take care of someone else
(not just be taken care of) [] [] [] [] []
Am not expecting someone to make my
life exciting [] [] [] [] []
Now feel like I can trust my judgment [] [] [] [] []
Dating
Have dated enough potential partners to determine what I
want and don’t want [] [] [] [] []
Have a clear profile of what a new
spouse should be like [] [] [] [] []
Am not focused on only one or a few
traits that are opposite from ex [] [] [] [] []
Have rejected soulmate mentality that can cause lack of objectivity in
evaluating prospects [] [] [] [] []
Am not subject to or have learned to resist remarriage pressures from friends, family or dating
partner [] [] [] [] []
Am not desperately wishing
dating life would end [] [] [] [] []
136 Prospective Remarriage Partner
Have a prospective partner I’ve dated in a committed relationship
for at least two years [] [] [] [] []
Have a strong friendship with
prospective partner [] [] [] [] []
Am in love with partner [] [] [] [] []
Don’t expect to change partner
in order to be happy [] [] [] [] []
Have tested partner to see how he would perform in
a parental role [] [] [] [] []
Feel no obligation to marry this person [] [] [] [] []
Have become familiar with partner’s
family and friends [] [] [] [] []
Have made a list of partner’s negatives and not overlooked
problems [] [] [] [] []
Source: Finding the Right One After Divorce, Edward M. Tauber and Jim Smoke, Harvest House Publishers, 2007
The seeds of divorce are often found in the reasons people marry.
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Don’t get married for the wrong reasons
Our survey of redivorced people revealed that many of the repeat marriages were doomed from day one! That is because the people remarried for the wrong reasons choosing the wrong partner.
Action:
When you consider a remarriage prospect, ask yourself whether you are remarrying mainly for one of these wrong reasons.
1. to be rescued from divorce problems (you should have solved yourself)
2. to prove something to your ex or yourself
3. out of fear of dating or burnout from over-dating 4. out of loneliness
5. ignoring red flags in a state of romance blindness
6. due to boredom, wanting someone to jumpstart your life
7. because of pressure from friends, relatives or a dating partner
8. because you suddenly feel it’s time to marry (age, biological clock)
9. just because you have a “live prospect”, marrying out of guilt, fear or obligation
10. when you believe you found your soul-mate at first site 11. to solve money problems or the appeal of a moneyed fiancé 12. just for the children’s sake
13. just to rejoin what you believe is a “couples’ world”
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Consider marriage only when these conditions exist:
1. You are in love with the person (and not in love with love) 2. You want to get married, but don’t need to
3. You are in a position to be able to give more than you get
Action:
Write an honest statement about why you want to get married. Evaluate whether any of the wrong reasons exist and whether the above conditions exist.
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Consider marriage only when you are sure you have the right person. Don’t make any of these mistakes when selecting a spouse:
1. Become involved with a person who is not ready to remarry
2. Become involved with a person who makes it clear that they are not interested in marriage
3. Push someone who is hesitant about marrying you
4. Try to be a do-gooder and save another person from their problems through marriage
5. Choose someone who has tons of baggage and wants to offload it on you
6. Choose someone who shares few dreams, history or values with you
7. Choose someone who has children they put before you or where you and the children face jealousy, rivalry or resentment
8. Choose someone who has addictions or other serious problems 9. Choose someone who does not truly love you and shows it
Action:
Write an honest statement about why you want to marry this person.
Evaluate whether you are making any of the mistakes listed above. What red flags do you see billowing in front of you that you are trying to ignore?
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Questions for Step 10: How to Know When You’re Ready to Date and Remarry
Q. Do you feel like you are ready to date?
Q. What thoughts come to mind when you think about dating?
Q. Are you afraid to date? What fears do you have about dating?
Q. Have you taken any active steps to meet someone or are you just waiting for the doorbell to ring?
Q. Do you believe there is someone out there for you? If not, why not?
Q. Are there any false assumptions or excuses you are using that prevent you from dating? (No one wants someone my age, I am not attractive, I have too much baggage, I am too busy to date, blah, blah, blah)
Q. Are you willing to commit right now that you will wait at least two years after the divorce before you get serious with someone so that you will enter a relationship from a position of strength rather than weakness?
Q. Finish this statement: “When I think of remarriage, I…”
Q. Have you taken the Ready2Remarry test in the workbook? Do you know the areas where you are weak and where you need to improve before considering remarriage?
Q. Did you marry previously for any or the 13 wrong reasons mentioned in the workbook? What condition were you in that caused you to do that?
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Q. What is important to you in selecting a new spouse? How are these criteria different from those you used when you married previously?
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