2
About the authors:
Edward M. Tauber, a corporate researcher and divorce counselor received his Ph.D. from Cornell University. A former full professor and department chairman at the University of Southern California, he’s also been a senior executive and consultant with many Fortune 500 companies. Ed is the author of Finding The Right One After Divorce. Ed and his wife, Monica, live in California.
Jim Smoke is an internationally known author, speaker, and life coach. He has been a pioneer in the divorce recovery field for more than 30 years. Jim has written more than 18 books geared to the single and single–again community worldwide including his bestselling Growing
Through Divorce upon which much of this book is based. Jim and his
wife, Carol, live in California.
Divorce Healing and Moving On
Copyright © 2009 Edward M. Tauber, Jim Smoke Indian Wells, California 92210
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A Program for Hope
What is it that you want when you find yourself in a divorce? You want to heal and get over the pain and agony of the loss, and you want to find a way to move on with your life and put the divorce behind you.
In teaching divorce recovery workshops for over 30 years with many thousands of devastated divorced men and women, we have concluded that time alone will not achieve these objectives. We have seen people who have been divorced 3, 10, even 15 years still suffering the aftereffects of their divorce. Even some who have remarried carry the wounds and bitterness right into the next relationship.
Is recovery from divorce that difficult? Yes it is. Divorced people agree that this experience is the worst or one of the worst experiences of their lives. Life is turned upside down by divorce. It destroys your self-confidence. It upends your dreams and plans for the future. It brings seemingly insurmountable problems. Suddenly you have changes in your finances and living conditions. You have to deal with the emotional upheaval of your children. Your family and friends may take sides or begin to act differently. Marriage is like an ecosystem that is in balance; divorce wrecks that balance.
If you have never previously been through a divorce (and for over two thirds of divorced people, it is their first), you don’t know what to do. No one suggested you even consider that your marriage might fail, even though half of all marriages do. You never received instruction in how to behave during and after divorce. As a result, you are probably like most people we encounter in our divorce recovery workshops, you feel lost, you are stuck somewhere in the process and you make a lot of mistakes. The truth is, much has been learned about how to heal, move on and get closure in divorce. From our years of teaching, we have written this book to help you achieve a successful recovery.
4
How to Use This Book
As the old expression goes, you get out of something what you put into it. This book is designed to help you heal, learn from your experience, plan for the future and begin to take action to build a new fulfilling life for yourself. Our 10 step process will help you accomplish all of that if you are willing to put in the time and effort. Each section has insights, recommendations, and action steps to direct you as you move from healing to closure. We organized these 10 steps in a workbook type format to involve you in the process. Just reading about divorce recovery will not get you there. You have to work the program.
Our promise: If you will take the time to read this book carefully, attempt to understand all the ideas that sometimes may run counter to what your instincts want you to do, and do the exercises in the 10 steps; you will heal, move forward with your life and gain closure in your divorce.
Full recovery from divorce takes two years; even more for some people. However, if you follow the process we advocate, you will begin to feel better and make progress in just 10 weeks. We see it in every divorce recovery workshop we have ever taught for over 30 years.
We wish there was a quick fix for getting over a divorce. Sadly, many people try to shortcut the process by quickly dating or remarrying with the mistaken belief that a substitute spouse will fix their problems. History shows that this is a flawed strategy.
Almost half of remarriages end in another divorce.
Don’t take the “easy way” and have to go through this awful experience again. Commit to this program and believe that there is hope. Thousands of divorced people have used this approach and they now lead happy, fulfilled lives – single or remarried.
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You Can Grow Through Divorce or Just Go Through It
What’s the difference between growing through your divorce versus just going through it? It’s all the difference in the world.
Sadly, most divorced people struggle through their divorce never really healing, learning anything from it or progressing. Often, they simply bury themselves in their bitterness or quickly find a replacement spouse, half the time leading to another painful divorce.
Let’s examine what it takes to grow through divorce. Here are some synonyms for the word “grow” taken from a number of dictionaries:
To Grow
Advance – to move forward, not be stuck
Branch out – to expand beyond the life you’ve had Develop – to realize potentialities
Expand – to increase your scope of activities Flourish – to thrive, prosper
Mature – to mentally develop
Show life – to function, not be dead inside Spring up – to move out of one place to another Stretch – to reach or extend into untried areas
This is what we want you to achieve: to advance, expand your possibilities, realize your untapped potentialities, learn what happened in your divorce and how to fully function again, move out of the old dead place and stretch yourself to flourish and achieve a new fulfilling life. If you are recently divorced or in the process of getting a divorce, to achieve all of this may seem almost impossible. Where do you start?
That’s what this book is about: helping you to be patient and take baby steps to pull yourself out of the nightmare of divorce and into a new life.
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Or Just Go Through Divorce
What does it look like for people who just go through their divorce rather than grow through it?
Here are some things that may characterize you if you try this approach: You stay stuck, frozen, and unable to act
You remain in denial that you are divorced You remain bitter, angry, and remorseful You are steeped in guilt over “your failure”
You perpetually play the “If only” game – If only I had done this or that or been this or that, he/she wouldn’t have left You obsess about why your former spouse acted as he/she did You encourage your friends to choose sides against your ex You continue to fight with your ex
You allow your ex to control you or you try to control your ex You think about the divorce 24/7
You repeat your divorce story to anyone who will listen You blame your ex for all your problems
You put your children in the middle of battles with your ex You encourage your children to spy on your ex
You stay vengeful toward your ex, threatening, scheming You suffer declining emotional and physical health
You search for someone to rescue you from your problems You remarry quickly to cover up your pain
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The 10 Steps for Growing Through Divorce
Divorce is a very painful place. For you to get to the other side and to flourish requires four active things on your part:
Healing Learning Planning Acting
The purpose of this book is to show you how to do these. We have broken down the process into 10 steps.
Step 1 How to heal
Step 2 How to quit your marriage, end the war and end the control your ex has over you
Step 3 How to accept your new identity as a single person Step 4 How to learn from your divorce
Step 5 How to take responsibility for yourself and your children Step 6 How to become a better single parent
Step 7 How to live in the present and let go of the past Step 8 How to plan your future
Step 9 How to get closure in your divorce
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Don’t Skip Any of the 10 Steps
Some people try to make a quick fix of their divorce and get over it in a few days, weeks or months. Remember, it takes at least two years to fully heal from your divorce. Don’t rush it and don’t skip any of the steps.
If you try to avoid mourning your loss, you will never emotionally heal. If you don’t mentally detach yourself from your ex, you are likely to continue to have him or her control you or your emotions, sometimes in subtle but debilitating ways.
If you don’t fully accept that you are now single, you will not truly appreciate all that your new status offers you and you will stay stuck. If you don’t learn what happened in your marriage that led to divorce and your role in it, you may be doomed to repeat the mistakes with the next person you seriously date or marry.
If you don’t take complete responsibility for yourself, you will be vulnerable to “saviors” who want to rescue and therefore control you. If you don’t take responsibility for your children and learn to become a successful single parent, you will miss the opportunity to be important in their lives.
If you don’t learn to live in the present with a new life, you will stay focused on your hurtful past and be bound to the old problems.
If you don’t plan your future and take responsibility for executing the plans, you will never achieve your potentialities.
9 If you don’t learn how to get closure in your marriage, you will stay part in the old life and part in the new and drag the old baggage along into any new relationship.
If you don’t learn what you need to achieve to be ready to date and consider remarriage, you are likely to marry the wrong person under the pressures that divorce creates and find yourself unhappy or divorcing again.
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Diagnose Where You Are and Get an Accountability Partner
Can you really succeed with a self-help approach to recovery or do you need to get counseling from an expert? There has always been a debate about whether self-help books and approaches work. You will be much more successful if you do two things before you start this program:
1. Identify and diagnose the problems you are having in your divorce or post-divorce life using our “Stuck in divorce” test
2. Find someone who will go through the process with you and hold you accountable
In order to help you get a better idea about what is keeping you from healing, moving forward and gaining closure – in effect staying stuck – we have developed a brief quiz covering a range of issues divorced people face. Begin your 10 step program by taking this test to profile where you are in the divorce recovery process.
Recovering from divorce is very difficult, especially when the pain and problems you face are extreme. The best way to assure that you will stick with the program and get the most benefit from it is to find someone who agrees to hold you accountable. This can be a friend, relative or even another person going through divorce. Rather that just commiserate about the bad things that happened to both of you, you can actually help and support each other in a positive way to take the steps necessary to complete the program. Whomever you choose, expose them to the chapter you are focused on and ask them to work with you and discuss how you are handling each recommendation in this book. When the chapter calls for action on your part, ask them to hold you accountable for completing it.
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Stuck in Divorce Profile
If you are like most people who are going through a divorce, you don’t know what to do next. You are likely stuck somewhere in the divorce recovery process. Even if you are some years past the date of your divorce, you may still be stuck but with different issues. You may feel like you have never fully healed or obtained closure and you don’t know why or what to do about it. Recognizing where you are stuck is the first step toward recovery. Profile yourself by answering how well these statements describe you.
Action:
Check the box which best describes you for each of the following statements. Then place a circle around each statement that you rated a 4 or 5. This provides you with a profile of where you are stuck at present. Focus your attention on each of these issues as you work on your recovery from divorce. The book offers insights, recommendations and action-oriented prescriptions for each area where you might be stuck.
How well does this describe you?
Very well Not at all
5 4 3 2 1
Stuck in grief & self-pity
In shock, unable to mourn the loss [] [] [] [] []
Sad, crying, grief stricken [] [] [] [] []
Rollercoaster of up and down emotions [] [] [] [] []
Haven’t acknowledged that divorce is
a death – the death of a marriage [] [] [] [] []
Feel so sorry for myself [] [] [] [] []
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See no hope for the future [] [] [] [] []
Have no self-confidence [] [] [] [] []
Feel rejected [] [] [] [] []
Full of guilt about the divorce [] [] [] [] []
Consumed with fear about my problems
and the unknown future [] [] [] [] []
Can’t imagine ever being happy again [] [] [] [] []
Can’t think about anything other than
my problems and my divorce [] [] [] [] []
Constantly telling my divorce story [] [] [] [] []
Stuck in anger & bitterness
Bitter, angry, resentful [] [] [] [] []
Believe ex got the better deal in the
divorce [] [] [] [] []
Feel life isn’t fair [] [] [] [] []
Stuck in loneliness
Feel very lonely [] [] [] [] []
Have not identified coping mechanisms
to use when loneliness occurs [] [] [] [] []
Have little support system to help me with my emotional and other
divorce-caused problems [] [] [] [] []
Still spend time with toxic friends or
relatives that blame me or put me down [] [] [] [] []
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Have not found any new friends, especially single/divorced/widowed
friends [] [] [] [] []
Haven’t tried any new experiences;
still doing the same old things [] [] [] [] []
Stuck in unreality
In denial that my marriage is over [] [] [] [] []
Still telling myself ex will come back [] [] [] [] []
Can’t say to myself: “I am divorced” [] [] [] [] [] Refuse to give up the signs I am no
longer married such as wearing wedding
ring or not telling people the truth [] [] [] [] []
Stuck in over-analysis
Think about my divorce 24/7 [] [] [] [] []
Keep thinking: “If only” I had done this or that, the marriage would not
be over [] [] [] [] []
Frustrated that I can’t understand
why my marriage failed [] [] [] [] []
Frustrated that I can’t understand
why my ex left [] [] [] [] []
Stuck battling with my ex
Frequently fight with my ex [] [] [] [] []
Fight about relatively
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Letting ex push my buttons [] [] [] [] []
Can’t seem to set boundaries for
the relationship with my him/her [] [] [] [] []
Frustrated that I can’t get my ex
to do or not do something I want [] [] [] [] []
Frustrated that my ex is trying to
get me to do something he/she wants [] [] [] [] [] Trying to get friends to take sides
with me [] [] [] [] []
Ask children to take sides with me [] [] [] [] []
Plotting ways to “get even” with my
ex for what he/she did [] [] [] [] []
Stuck clueless about the divorce
Have no clue what was my role
in the failure of our marriage [] [] [] [] []
Have learned nothing positive from
the divorce [] [] [] [] []
Married too young [] [] [] [] []
Married too quickly [] [] [] [] []
Married knowing there were problems [] [] [] [] []
Married on the rebound from another
relationship or marriage [] [] [] [] []
Stuck with the old identity
Have no idea who I am apart from
my ex [] [] [] [] []
Haven’t developed a new sense
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Believe what my ex used to say
about me [] [] [] [] []
Stuck living in the past
Mentally live in the past [] [] [] [] []
Talk constantly about the old stuff [] [] [] [] []
Think about, talk about and ask
others about what ex is doing [] [] [] [] []
Can’t let go of regrets [] [] [] [] []
Unable to focus just on today
(live in the moment, one day at a time) [] [] [] [] []
Stuck by inaction in the present
Unable to take charge of my situation [] [] [] [] [] Frozen to act to resolve my financial
and other problems [] [] [] [] []
Feeling helpless to do the new things I
now have the responsibility to do [] [] [] [] []
Stuck in managing my children
Unable to tell my children the truth
about the divorce [] [] [] [] []
Unable to quiet children’s’ fears [] [] [] [] []
Unable to stop children from
controlling me with guilt [] [] [] [] []
Divorce has minimized time and
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Trying to be both parents [] [] [] [] []
Encourage children to spy on my ex [] [] [] [] []
Use children as messengers [] [] [] [] []
Talk negatively about my ex to children [] [] [] [] []
Make ex’s visitation with children
unpleasant [] [] [] [] []
Allow children to stop me from
having new romantic relationships [] [] [] [] []
Not providing economic support to
children [] [] [] [] []
Stuck in managing my life
Overwhelmed with my new problems
from the divorce [] [] [] [] []
Can’t seem to distinguish the things I
have control over vs. the things I don’t [] [] [] [] []
Suffering declining physical and
emotional health due to divorce [] [] [] [] []
Stuck with no future
Have made no plan for solving the
practical problems of living I face [] [] [] [] []
Have set no goals for the future [] [] [] [] []
Have no career plans for self-support [] [] [] [] []
Stuck unable to get closure
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Can’t forgive my ex [] [] [] [] []
Can’t forgive myself [] [] [] [] []
Can’t ask my ex to forgive me [] [] [] [] []
Stuck in frustration about dating or remarriage
Believe being single is inferior to
being married [] [] [] [] []
Believe it’s a couple’s world [] [] [] [] []
Hate dating (or the idea of it) [] [] [] [] []
Believe no one could replace my ex [] [] [] [] []
Constantly think about finding a
new spouse [] [] [] [] []
Feel the need to prove I am desirable
to someone [] [] [] [] []
Have no social life with other single
people except for dating [] [] [] [] []
Deep down I believe remarriage will solve my problems and make
the divorce go away [] [] [] [] []
Keep getting romantically involved
with people who are wrong for me [] [] [] [] []
Have someone pressuring me to remarry [] [] [] [] []
Dating someone now, but red flags [] [] [] [] []
Don’t know how to tell if I’m ready
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The Ten Step Program
Step 1: How to Heal
Understand that divorce is the death of a marriage
As painful as it is, you need to accept that your divorce is the death of your marriage, the death of part of your life as you have known it. Your expectations for what was going to be “till death do us part” are now gone. The person that you loved is now gone. Is it any wonder that going through divorce is such a sad and debilitating experience? The 5 stages of accepting a death are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When you acknowledge that your marriage is over, you take the first step toward healing. Action:
Circle the stage in the death process you are going through now. Write a brief paragraph about how you are feeling. Focus on moving on to the next stage with the goal of reaching acceptance. For some people this may take months or even a few years.
19 Recognize the “divorce syndrome”
This is a rollercoaster of emotions which affects almost everyone going through divorce - denial, shock, shame, guilt, sadness, anger/bitterness/resentment, low self-esteem, stress, insecurity, helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, confusion, feeling stuck, etc. This will diminish over time. Relief may be another one of these emotions. When life leading up to divorce has been ugly and bitter, being removed from your ex can result in a feeling of relief that a the marriage is over and you have some peace and quiet.
Action:
Circle the emotions listed above that you have been feeling. Use the list to help you identify what emotions you are experiencing most often. As you go through this book, you will learn how to better deal with each of these emotions. At this stage, just diagnose where you are. Are there any other emotions affecting you?
20 Mourn the loss
In divorce, there is the loss of your spouse, your old life, and the dreams you had for it. You need to grieve about this loss. Don’t be hard on yourself because you feel bad, cry and feel depressed. This is a normal process. Depending on the length of your marriage and the way that it ended, this could last a while. Men especially often try to shortcut this process and tough it out. Don’t do that. You have a right to grieve.
Action:
Write a letter below (as if to a friend) telling him or her why you are sad. What have you lost from getting divorced? What dreams did you have that have now ended? What emotions are you now feeling? If you are angry at your former spouse, mention why? Get it all off your chest.
21 Deal with fears
Divorce creates unknowns that can lead to unrealistic or exaggerated fears. Examples: I will not be able to take care of myself, I will not be able to see my children, or I will never find anyone else who will love me. Such nonsense can seem real in the atmosphere of divorce.
Action:
Make a running list of your fears. Challenge each one to see that they are unlikely or even impossible. Get information that will help you clarify any issues you don’t understand about fears such as legal rights. Begin to deal with those fears that have any basis in fact.
22 Deal with any rejection
There are many ways to end a marriage like Paul Simon’s song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”. Sadly, affairs or leaving to be with someone else is a cruel way to end it. In about 70% of divorces, someone left to be with another person. Being rejected heightens certain feelings – feeling like a loser, low self esteem and shame.
Action:
Rebuild your self-worth by listing below all the strengths and great qualities you have. Have close friends and family help by asking them to tell you what they see that is valuable in you. You are a desirable person.
23 Deal with anger
Anger is part of the natural process of mourning the death of your marriage. If you try to repress the anger or pretend that you are above that sort of thing, it will come out later in other ways. You have a right to be angry. No matter who initiated the divorce, your life and future have been turned upside down. When you recognize your anger, you give it a chance to run its course. Anger used constructively helps you avoid being taken advantage of in negotiating property settlements and custody battles. Anger helps you minimize guilt. Anger helps you set barriers with you ex. Anger motivates you to move forward and prove to yourself that you can do things that you thought you could not. Anger can also drive you to be vindictive, even consumed. Don’t let that happen.
Action:
What are all the things you are angry about? What injuries have been done to you? Write a note to your ex (but don’t send it) and tell him or her why you are mad and about the anger you are feeling. When anger overwhelms you, give yourself permission to shout, scream, wail, or whatever. Expect that the anger stage may last for some time. As you begin to take control of your life and make progress on your own, your anger and bitterness will subside.
24 Deal with guilt
The one who was “left” in a marriage generally has to confront rejection and the resulting damage to self-esteem. The one who is the “leaver” is plagued with guilt. Leavers feel they have broken their promise and wounded their spouse. No matter what justification there was for leaving, “leavers” have to confront the decision they have made and let go of the guilt.
Action:
If you were the “leaver”, write yourself a note below about the reasons you left. Recall the effort and time you spent trying to “fix” the marriage. Realize that if the marriage was that bad, you did yourself and your ex a favor in the long run by having the courage to end it. Ask close friends and family to understand your decision and support you. Let them know how difficult this was and that you are hurting too.
25 Identify some coping mechanisms
Loneliness is one of the toughest problems for divorced people. You need planned activities to help you when you are at low points or feeling lonely. Some examples of coping mechanisms for loneliness are: calling friends, inviting people to come over, going out to public places, going to shopping malls, attending meetings or hobby groups – anything that gets you in touch with people. Remember, the loneliest place in the world is in an unhappy marriage where you are stuck. Being divorced, you now have options!
Action:
List some mechanisms you have used and devise some new ones that you can use when you begin to feel isolated or down. Be creative. What will you do? Where will you go? Who will you contact? This preparation will serve you well when you have those downer days.
26 Identify a support system
You need to feel a sense of belonging and identity for this critical transition period. Lean on friends and relatives who can help you during the early months.
Action:
Who are the people you can call or spend time with that you feel totally comfortable telling anything about your divorce, your state of mind and your problems? Who can become your new extended support family?
27 Expect that some friends may disappoint you
Once you are single, some married friends may take sides or create distance from you. They may be mad at you, feel threatened by your being “available”, etc. Some relatives may criticize you for a variety of selfish reasons – example - your divorce has limited their exposure to grandchildren.
Action:
Identify any toxic friends or relatives who pull you down or criticize you about your circumstances. Distance yourself from them for at least the present time while you are in a healing mode. Who are the friends and relatives (who might mean well) but are critical and drag you down?
28 Find spiritual support to help you heal
Most recovery programs ask you to find support from a power higher than yourself.
Action:
If you believe in God, ask Him to help you and give you guidance as you deal with the sorrows and the trials of divorce. Ask Him to help you heal, remove anger and bitterness and direct you to make the right decisions in all areas. Write a prayer asking God for what you need at the present time.
29 Commit to be happy
This may sound silly, but in order to be happy, you have to decide that that is what you want. Some divorced people stay sad and depressed because they want to receive pity and don’t want to heal. If you want happiness again in your life, know that you will get it as you make progress in doing the 10 steps in this book. Celebrate your freedom.
Action:
Are you sabotaging your own happiness by choosing to feel sorry for yourself? Other people cannot make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy with good choices and positive actions to move forward with your life. Recognize the potential benefits of your newfound freedom. What are you unhappy about? What are you happy about? Write a list below which will help you be introspective about it. What do you need to do or what changes do you need to make so that you will be happier?
30 Wean your focus off of yourself
Don’t allow your grief to become a pity party beyond a number of months. Mourning is good, obsessing is a waste of time. You can accomplish this by refocusing your mind and your energy on others. Do this gradually in a weaning type process.
Action:
Commit to go out and help other people. This may sound insane because you know you are the one who needs help. But helping others is the best way to help yourself. You can do this by helping friends or relatives who have needs or volunteering at a charity or church. When you focus on others, you will feel a sense of satisfaction in helping them with their problems and you will spend less time thinking about your own problems. Also, focusing on others gives you a sense of perspective about your situation. Brainstorm a list of some people you can help. Are there people you know who would benefit from your help? Organizations you could join? Volunteering you could do?
31 Join a divorce support group
It may feel like you are the only person in the world who is going through divorce. Joining a group of other divorced people has a number of benefits. You are likely to see that your divorce situation is not a bad as some others. This helps you gain perspective. You learn from each other in a divorce group. In a group, people will give you the support you need to make tough decisions and get through tough times. And you will help others taking the focus off of your own problems.
Action:
Find a divorce support group or divorce recovery workshop to join. Look in newspapers. Call local churches. Ask any divorced people you know. Get a recommendation for a group and give it a try.
32 Avoid emotional collisions
Don’t become romantically involved with anyone before the two year period. This will only forestall your recovery. You cannot make a clear decision about a new mate until you have healed completely. If someone attempts to rescue you, don’t fall for that trap. It will just set you back, put you in a situation to be controlled, or worse lead you to another marriage and divorce. If marriage is your eventual goal, there is no hurry to make it happen. You need friends; you don’t need romantic saviors.
Action:
How will you deal with sexuality and relationships during the next two years? How will you avoid getting into another romantic relationship too soon?
33 Monitor your progress so that you will see evidence that you are getting better over time
When you see progress, you will be encouraged to make even more progress. You can do this with a simple exercise.
Action:
During the past week, what percentage of the time have you spent thinking, talking or doing something about your divorce?
_____________. Monitor this percentage every week so that you will gradually spend less of your waking hours focused on your divorce and more on living a new life.
34 Questions for Step 1: How to Heal
Q. What is the difference between growing through divorce and just going through it?
Q. Most divorcing or divorced people are stuck on something that forestalls their progress. Where are you stuck? Examples:
Emotional: Sadness, crying, guilt, anger/bitterness/resentment, confusion, hopelessness
Acceptance: Denial about your divorce, fighting with your ex, not quitting your marriage
Frozen to act: Feeling helpless, inability to set boundaries with your ex, not taking control of your life, not taking
responsibility for your children, not moving the legal
process forward
Q. Have you identified coping mechanisms to help you when you feel lonely or depressed?
Q. Have you identified a support system? Who do you have that you can confide in and lean on for support?
Q. How have people in your world responded to your divorce? Have you had friends who took sides in your divorce? Are there people who disappointed you? Do some criticize you and bring you down? How will you deal with them?
Q. What fears are haunting you now? Which of these fears are unrealistic? How can you better deal with those that are just worries vs. the ones that are real?
Q. Did you leave the marriage or did your spouse leave you? Those who are left have special issues. Do you have feelings of rejection? Low
self-35 esteem? Undesirability? Shame? What can you do to rebuild your self-worth?
36
Step 2: How to Quit Your Marriage, End the War and End the Control Your Ex Has Over You
Quitting your marriage can be tough. It’s difficult to let go of the past and the person. You don’t want to fail so you keep trying. That’s fine. If there is still hope that your marriage can be saved, spend more time at it. You can always get a divorce. But sometimes, the marriage is really dead; maybe you have already received a legal divorce – and yet you won’t let it go. You need to decide to quit your marriage.
37 Stop living in a fantasy world
Having hope is wonderful, but if you’re simply in denial, then you have to recognize fantasy from reality.
Action:
Is your marriage over? Has your spouse told you emphatically that he or she is not returning? Or have you done that? Has your spouse taken actions that signal that your marriage is over even if he or she hasn’t said so – such as becoming involved with another person? Have you decided that no matter what promises your spouse makes, you know he or she will never change and you cannot make the marriage work? Accept reality, let the fantasy go and move on. Write a brief few sentences below stating “What is reality in my marriage.”
38 Stop obsessing about the “What ifs” and If onlys”
Self-blame accomplishes nothing. Many divorced people attempt to explain their divorce by thinking something like: My marriage would not have ended if only I had been better looking, a better provider, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better lover, lost weight, been neater, blah, blah, blah.
Action:
Don’t waste time reviewing over and over in your mind the hypothetical things you might have done that would have saved your marriage. If you beat yourself up over the “what ifs” and “if onlys”, nothing is accomplished by this other than stunting your movement toward a new life. Write a list of any “what ifs” and “if onlys” you have been thinking. Now make a conscious decision to let it go and forget about them.
39 Stop allowing your ex to control you
Recognize that you have the power to end most anything your ex is doing that causes you pain.
Action:
If talking to your ex on the phone upsets you, don’t do it. Hang up if she calls. If seeing your ex, sets you back, make the decision not to see him. Make it clear to him you don’t want to see him. If you have to communicate because of children, keep it short and businesslike. Keep a running list of the things that upset you about what your ex is doing. Commit to take control and change the circumstances so he or she cannot hurt you anymore. Set boundaries. What steps will you take?
40 Stop trying to control your ex
You can become just as frustrated by trying to control what your ex does as vice versa. Recognize that you have no power to control his or her actions. For example: he is always late when he picks up the children or she won’t let you know when you receive mail. Sometimes the frustration is about the lies your ex tells everyone about you. It can be anything your ex does to punch your buttons. Action:
If there are things your ex is doing that drive you crazy or upset you accept that this is his or her way of “getting even.” Note these actions below and recognize that you are allowing him or her to control you by the way you react to it. Instead, don’t give him the satisfaction of getting to you. You have a choice whether to play his game.
41 Stop any vindictive thoughts or behaviors
Spending energy trying to get even just keeps you tied to your ex. Anytime you have thoughts of getting even or you’re planning ways to hurt your spouse, you forestall your healing and demean yourself. Rise above it. Save your emotional energy for yourself.
Action:
What actions are you undertaking or seriously considering for the purpose of hurting your ex for what he or she did to you? Write them out so you have them listed in front of you. Now, stop doing or planning them and help yourself by moving on.
42 Stop asking friends to help you against your ex
You need your true friends for support, not for fighting your battles.
Action:
Never ask your friends to choose sides or to help you get back at your ex. Instead, think about what you would like your friends to do to be supportive during this difficult time – such as call you often, be available to talk when you are down, help you think through some tough decisions. Let them know your needs. What are the needs they can help you with?
43 Stop complaining that life is not fair
Many divorced people believe that their ex got the better deal in the divorce. – “He just bought a new car while I’m driving this old Junker”, “She got the house while I live in this small apartment”, “He has a new girlfriend while I am alone”, “She has the children most of the time while I get to see them only on weekends.”
Action:
Accept that life is not fair. Recognize that your ex has problems too. No one wins in divorce. He/she probably has the same thought that the divorce was unfair and may just put on a façade to appear that all is well. Instead of dwelling on what your ex has or does, focus on what you are going to do to make your life better. What are you going to do?
44 Stop fighting about unimportant things
There are some things that you may have to fight for such as your legal rights, division of your assets, custody rights of children, etc. Fighting about trivial stuff just keeps you involved with your ex.
Action:
Pick your battles. Decide what is worth fighting for and what is not so that you don’t get caught up in fighting endlessly for everything just for the sake of winning. When you do that, you really lose. What are you fighting about that is worthwhile? What is trivial? Be honest: Are you continuing the battle because you don’t want to let go of your ex? If so, reread the section on denial.
45 Leave the combat zone
It takes two to carry on a fight. You can prevent the fighting by just refusing to get drawn in.
Action:
If your ex tries to perpetually drag you into fights, refuse to play that game. If he starts a fight, walk away or say something like ‘I will not talk about that.’ If you won’t fight back, eventually, he will stop trying. What do you need to do to leave the combat zone?
46 Stop the blame game
Blaming is a way of shifting responsibility. Growth begins when blaming ends.
Action:
Begin to vigorously monitor yourself for when you think or tell someone all the bad things your ex did to you that caused your divorce. Catch yourself when this happens and stop. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of why your marriage ended. If they ask, just say something general such as “We couldn’t make it work” or “I’m not sure, I’m just sad that it ended.” What blaming have you been doing? What have you been telling people about how your divorce occurred or what your ex did? What statement can you use from now on that doesn’t include blaming your ex or yourself?
47 Mentally compartmentalize your divorce
Some divorces are finalized quickly allowing both parties to move on. But most divorces have issues that can drag on for months or even years. If you are in a protracted legal battle with your ex, this can keep the divorce alive in your life for some time. If you have financial issues such as joint property or a family business, you may not be able to distance yourself from your ex. If you have children, you have a continuing link to your ex which never completely goes away. This inability to put your ex out of your life can keep you from gaining closure. Some divorced people continue to live the divorce many years after it is officially over.
Action:
How do you move on with your new life and be happy without being victimized by the past life? Mentally compartmentalize your divorce. Accept that some part of your life will entail dealing with your divorce. This time you give to it should diminish over time. During any day, think: I am in “divorce” time. Okay, now that is over. Now I am in “new life” time.
48 Questions for Step 2: How to Quit Your Marriage , End the war, and End the Control Your Ex Has Over You
Q. What is the reality in your marriage? Is it over, but you are in denial? Q. Do you blame yourself for the failure of your marriage? Is there anything you can do about it now or is it a waste of time to just review the “what ifs” and “if onlys”?
Q. Do you feel responsibility for your ex or guilt about the situation he/she is in?
Q. What does your ex do that ‘punches your buttons’?
Q. In what ways is your ex still controlling you? What boundaries can you set to stop it?
Q. Is there anything you are trying to get your ex to do that he/she won’t do? Do you really have the power to control your ex or are you allowing him/her to get to you?
Q. What is your biggest struggle with your ex? What can you do to improve that struggle?
Q. Are you planning anything or doing anything just to get even with your ex? Why are you wasting your energy on this?
Q. Do you believe that your ex got the better deal in the divorce? How is that making you feel? What problems does your ex have now that might make his/her life not so good?
49 Q. Are there things that you are fighting about with your ex that are relatively unimportant? Are you picking which battles to fight and which to walk away from?
Q. Are you blaming your ex for the divorce? Is that allowing him/her to keep control over your feelings?
50
Step 3: How to Accept Your New Identity as a Single Person
In order to move forward and benefit from being single again, you have to accept and adapt to your new identity.
Accept that we all have the freedom to fail
No one goes through life without making mistakes or having some bad things happen to us. Don’t let your divorce make you think of yourself as a loser. Remember, half of all married people get a divorce.
Action:
Commit to reinforcing your self-perception that you are a winner and not a failure. Your marriage failed, not you. Love requires risk and it sometimes does not work out. Think about the friends and relatives you have and the mistakes they made - all humans do. Whenever you think of the negative failure thoughts, immediately shift to thinking about all the things that make you a winner. List all the things you have done in your life where you have been successful. You have the freedom to fail.
51 Don’t keep living in the role of the old identity
Many divorced people stay in denial hoping their ex will return, talking as if they are still married, wearing their wedding ring, and even refraining from telling family, friends or co-workers about the divorce.
Action:
Look in the mirror every day and repeat to yourself: “I am divorced, I am single” Take whatever actions are necessary for you to fully accept and show the world that your marriage is over. If you don’t, you cannot progress to live a new identity. What steps have you taken to show yourself and others around you that you are divorced – single again?
52 Accept that being single is not an inferior status
More than half of the adults in the U.S. are single, widowed or divorced. You can be just as happy and fulfilled as a single person as you can a married person. In fact, you have more control of your life now that you don’t have to include another person’s wishes in your plans and actions.
Action:
Do you think you will be less happy as a single person? Why? What would make you happy? Write a list of the things that would make you happy as a single person. This should include short term as well as longer term things. Dream big!
53 Find some new single/divorced friends
There are many things your married friends cannot do with you. Other “same gender” single people can go with you to dinner, shows, plays, sporting events, clubs, dances, parties, singles groups even go on trips with you. Many of these are things that your married friends likely cannot do. To have a full social life, you need to meet single people.
Action:
Develop a plan to meet single people of your gender. Don’t be in search of opposite gender friends too quickly. If you are open and searching, you will find many single people your age at church, work, school, in organizations, in hobby groups, etc. Where will you look to meet them? What single/divorced/widowed people do you know that you can contact? Are their things that are stopping you from reaching out to other single/divorced people?
54 Create some new experiences
Singledom affords freedoms that did not exist for you previously. Use this newfound freedom to explore new adventures.
Action:
List some things that you like to do or would like to do that you never could do because of your ex. Look in the newspaper and internet for ideas – entertainment, travel, hobbies, new work, etc.
55 Build your new identity
Many people have their identities so tied to their marriage partner that they never develop their own identity.
Action:
Who are you now without your ex spouse? Write a brief paragraph describing who you are. Include what gifts, talents and interests you have that make you special.
56 Questions for Step 3: How to Accept Your New Identity as a Single Person
Q. Which stage of accepting your divorce are you in now: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance? How can you move forward and not be stuck there?
Q. What are the things you can control in your life now and the things you cannot? Are there people (like your ex) that you are trying to control where you are doomed to fail and just cause frustration for yourself?
Q. Which of these two statements best characterizes how you feel? - You failed. Your marriage failed.
Q. Are you doing anything that suggests that you are not a single/divorced person? What actions or thinking reflects that you have not accepted your new identity?
Q. Do you believe that being single is inferior to being married? Why? Q. Have you made an effort to make some new friends who are single/divorced or do you spend time only with your old married friends? What would be some advantages of having some new friends that are not married?
Q. Have you made an effort to have some new experiences? What things can you do now that you could not do as a married person?
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Step 4: How to Learn From Your Divorce
“Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it”
Winston Churchill
Divorced people often get stuck trying to understand history. Unfortunately the history they are trying to understand is the behavior of their ex spouse. Don’t let your progress in recovery depend on trying to understand why your former spouse behaved as he/she did. He or she may never tell you and may not even know the answer. Marriage is complex and its demise can be equally complex.
Accept that you will never fully understand the big questions such as: -why did my marriage fail?
-why did my ex have an affair? -why did my ex leave me?
-why did we drift apart? -why couldn’t we make it work? -why did he/she quit trying?
If your ex left you, it could be because of some problems he or she had that had little to do with you and there was nothing you could have done about it. Mid-life crises, boredom, sexual vulnerability and other similar issues can lead to divorce. Marriage requires two people to make a decision, divorce only takes one.
However, it is important for you to learn something about your role in the divorce (even if it was just making a bad choice of mates) so that you don’t repeat the mistakes. When all of us are first divorced, we blame our ex and claim no role for ourselves. But over time as anger and bitterness subside; we begin to see our role more clearly. So if your divorce is recent and still painful, what can you learn about your role?
58 Clues
In spite of the difficulty in explaining the reasons for divorce, there are usually clues. Try answering these questions (honestly) and see if you can learn some things to help you avoid future mistakes.
Question:
Suppose your ex is in a divorce recovery workshop reading this book. When he is asked: “Why did you get a divorce?” what would he or she give as answers?
59 Question:
During your marriage, especially the last months or years, what did your ex complain about? What did you do or not do that upset him/her and vice versa?
60 Question:
Men are wired to need respect and women are wired to need love. How would you say you performed in providing that to your ex and vice versa?
61 Some reasons why marriages fail
Marrying with fatal flaws
Many marriages fail because of a fatal flaw in one of the spouses – drinking, drugs, sexual addictions, overeating, overspending, etc. Question:
Were there any such fatal flaws in you or your ex? What did you try to do about it? What have you learned from that experience?
62 Marrying too young
If you marry at a very young age, you will likely not know who you are and your spouse doesn’t know who he/she is either. It is only good luck that as you mature, you grow together and are a good fit. Question:
Did you marry when you were too young to make a good choice of mate? Did you grow apart over time as you both matured? What have you learned from that experience?
63 Marrying too quickly
Many people say they found “love at first sight” and they didn’t wait to truly get to know each other – the good, the bad and the ugly. This often leads to nasty “surprises” which can be marriage-ending.
Question:
Did you marry before you dated your ex for at least two years? If you did, why did you feel the need to marry so quickly? What have you learned from that experience?
64 Marrying knowing there are problems
Many marriages are doomed to fail on the day of the wedding. People in divorce recovery mention a variety of problems in their marriage that led to its demise. But they also confess that they saw these problems in their fiancé or in the relationship before the wedding, but chose to get married anyway. If you saw some problems during the dating phase and decided to marry anyway, then you must take that responsibility for the marriage failure.
Question:
Before the wedding, did you see any flaws in your ex that caused the failure of your marriage? What were they? Were there warning signs or ‘red flags’ that you chose to ignore? Were there things you saw that you told yourself “That will change after we are married”? List any of these things you saw prior to the marriage. What have you learned from this experience?
65 Marrying on the rebound
If your divorce was from a remarriage, all of the above issues apply. But in addition, you may have remarried for the wrong reasons such as trying to escape the problems from your previous divorce. If you had not grown through your divorce and fully healed, you may have married on the rebound and chosen poorly.
Question:
If this is a repeat divorce, did you grow through your previous divorce and fully heal? In hindsight, did you marry the wrong person on the rebound? Did you marry because you had problems that you wanted your new spouse to solve for you? Did you marry because you needed to be needed? Did you marry someone who was not ready to remarry because they had a host of problems or where still recovering from their divorce? What have you learned from that experience?
66 Questions for Step 4: How to Learn from Your Divorce
Q. Are you stuck trying to understand why your ex did what he/she did? Or why your marriage failed?
Q. If your ex were doing this divorce recovery workbook instead of you, what would he/she say were the reasons he/she got a divorce?
Q. Even if you believe your role is quite small, can you identify things that you did that led to the ending of your marriage?
Q. Were there issues prior to the marriage that were red flags that the marriage may not work out? Did you see major flaws (or did you have such flaws) that existed before the wedding took place?
Q. Did you marry when you were too young to know who you were? Did you marry too soon without really getting to know your ex? Did you marry on the rebound from a prior divorce?
Q. If you wrote a book about what you learned from your divorce, what would be the title of the book? What would be the two or three key points you would include in the book?
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Step 5: How to Take Responsibility for Yourself and Your Children
In a divorce, you get custody of yourself.
In most marriages, responsibilities are shared. Your ex may have had the responsibility for some things you never handled: provided most of the income, paid the bills, shopped for food, cooked all the meals, cared for the children, took care of the cars, cleaned the clothes, or handled the gardening, etc. etc. Now you will have to do all these on your own. This is a challenge for many people, but YOU CAN DO IT.
68 Identify what you need to do to take responsibility for your life
Action:
List all the things that you are now responsible for. Especially note those that were handled mainly or exclusively by your ex during your marriage. How will you begin to do the things once done by your ex? Do you need to enlist help or advice?
69 Identify which activities you need to learn more about and where you need to get help
Action:
Who do you know that can help you with each activity? Do you have friends who are knowledgeable in some of these areas you can call on? Conduct some research to find experts where you need advice such as financial planners, cooking schools, specialty mechanics, cleaning services, etc. If you have serious financial problems, investigate government services that help such as the WIC program. Do not hesitate to lean on friends and family to help you get organized and direct you or chip in to your new workload.
70 Take responsibility for your health
Many divorced people succumb to the stress of divorce with a decline in their health. You may find yourself with weight loss, sleep loss or various medical problems. Don’t let your health deteriorate. Make a special effort to eat well and get exercise. Don’t overwork or use drugs to cover up your pain. You need to feel strong and fresh to deal with the choices you have to make and the things you have to do.
Action:
What do you need to do to eat better and get sufficient exercise? What health problems do you have now? Do you need to seek medical care for any emotional or physical problem you are having?
71 Take responsibility for legal issues with the divorce
Don’t be passive when it comes to legal issues in divorce. Do your homework. States differ in the way that they treat divorce, financial settlements and child custody. You don’t want to have regrets later that you were taken advantage of because you were negligent in not getting good advice.
Action:
Contact an attorney to learn your legal rights. Think twice about a do-it-yourself divorce. Make a list of all the assets your family has that need to be negotiated. Bring this list with you when you get legal help.
72 Take responsibility for your children
Children can be traumatized in a divorce and they need a stable environment and reassurance when this happens. Younger children may have abandonment fears. Don’t allow the battle between you and your ex to take so much time and energy that you do not focus on the needs of your children.
Action:
Spend sufficient time with your children and discuss subjects with them (appropriate for their age). List some of the topics you intend to discuss such as
-explain what divorce means
-confirm that both mommy and daddy still love you
-confirm that you are not in any way the cause of the breakup
-tell what arrangements are made, where you will live, with whom, when you will see the other parent, etc.
-ask about their fears, feelings, etc. to be able to address them
-reassure them that their lives will continue with as little change as possible
73 Recognize the things you can control and the things you cannot
Think about the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” This is a major step for achieving serenity under the trying circumstances of divorce and for identifying the things you need to change.
Action:
Make a two column list of the things you can and should change and the things you cannot change or control. This will help you refrain from spending wasted energy on the things you can’t control such as your divorce, your ex, other people, etc. and spend more energy on what you can do and should do to move yourself forward.
74 Identify your options and ACT
Repeat to yourself these key words of divorced people: “I Have Options” “I Can Do It on My Own.” Yes, you have options. Many divorced people get stuck because they fail to investigate or brainstorm the options they have. They are frozen and don’t act. Learn to control your life after divorce. Don’t let the divorce control you. Now that you are in control of your life, begin to take advantage of it. Begin to fix the problems you face and make the decisions you need to make.
Action:
Think about what options – what alternatives you have. Then decide what you need to do and take action. Examples- What will I do? Where will I live? What do I need to do to get financially stable? What do I need to do to assert my legal rights? What boundaries do I need to set with my ex, with his family, with his friends? What changes do I need to make right now?
75 Questions for Step 5: How to Take Responsibility for Yourself and Your Children
Q. What did your ex do while you were married that you now have the responsibility for doing? Have you begun to do these tasks on your own?
Q. What responsibilities do you now have where you need to get help? Don’t try to do everything on your own if you can call on others to help or advise you.
Q. What new responsibilities do you have with your children?
Q. What can you do to shift your focus more toward you, your needs, your responsibilities, and your future and less time, thought and energy spent on the Big D (divorce)?
76
Step 6: How to Become a Better Single Parent
You are not a single parent pioneer. Almost half of all children will live in a single parent household during some time in their life. From the experience of many such households, we have constructed a list of some do’s and don’ts to help you be a better single parent.
What is a successful single parent? It is very similar to a successful married parent. The main differences are that you now have more responsibilities since the other parent is not present. The pressures from these responsibilities can drive you to do things not in your children’s best interest. Likewise, the negative attitude you may have toward your ex can lead you to behaviors that are not best for your children. So to be a good single parent requires identifying what is best for your children even when that is not what you would naturally be prone to do. If you put your children ahead of your needs (wanting to spy on your ex, to get the kids on your side, to badmouth your ex, to get revenge, etc.), you will take great strides in being a better single parent.
Action:
Review each of the following do’s & don’ts and rate yourself on how you are performing. Answer the questions addressed for each one. Consider what action you need to take to do a better job in that area.
77 Do’s
Action:
Do talk to your children and tell them the truth about the divorce. This can be painful, but it will build trust. Your children will know that you respect them. The truth does not require you to tell all the adult-oriented details that children would not understand. Have you told them the truth? What is stopping you? Write out the points you intend to convey.
78 Action:
Do deal with children’s emotions - fear, rejection, anger, powerlessness, loneliness, guilt, abandonment. Let them know that the divorce was not their fault. It was an issue between the adults and had nothing to do with them.
Encourage the children to express their feelings when they are ready to do so. Have your children been willing to talk about how they feel? Do you know how they feel? What do you need to ask them? What do you need to tell them?
79 Action:
Do provide economic support to your children.
You don’t divorce your children. Financial support says “I love you and care about your needs.” Have you made arrangements to provide child support? Do you need to better understand their financial needs? Have you established a long term plan for them such as for college expenses, etc?
80 Action:
Do make arrangements to accommodate the other parent seeing the children.
Courts mandate visitation rights, but only you can make this a pleasant or unpleasant experience. Have you made the visitation experience easy and enjoyable for the children and the other parent? Do you need to make any changes in how you handle it?
81 Action:
Do let children be children.
Don’t ask them to take on the role of the missing parent. That is a level of pressure that children cannot handle. Have you identified non-burdensome tasks that the children can assume to help you (e.g. taking out trash)? Have you asked them to do things beyond their ability? Has this eliminated their playtime? Have you asked them to act as an adult?
82 Action:
Do spend time with your children.
Don’t let your divorce so preoccupy you that the children get ignored. What percent of your time do you spend in meaningful activities with them now? What changes can you make to do a better job here?
83 Action:
Do give each child the Children’s Bill of Rights (below) and review it with them.
This document provides a way to share with your children your concern for their needs. Have you reviewed this with your children? What was their response?
