In most marriages, responsibilities are shared. Your ex may have had the responsibility for some things you never handled: provided most of the income, paid the bills, shopped for food, cooked all the meals, cared for the children, took care of the cars, cleaned the clothes, or handled the gardening, etc. etc. Now you will have to do all these on your own. This is a challenge for many people, but YOU CAN DO IT.
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Identify what you need to do to take responsibility for your life
Action:
List all the things that you are now responsible for. Especially note those that were handled mainly or exclusively by your ex during your marriage. How will you begin to do the things once done by your ex?
Do you need to enlist help or advice?
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Identify which activities you need to learn more about and where you need to get help
Action:
Who do you know that can help you with each activity? Do you have friends who are knowledgeable in some of these areas you can call on?
Conduct some research to find experts where you need advice such as financial planners, cooking schools, specialty mechanics, cleaning services, etc. If you have serious financial problems, investigate government services that help such as the WIC program. Do not hesitate to lean on friends and family to help you get organized and direct you or chip in to your new workload.
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Take responsibility for your health
Many divorced people succumb to the stress of divorce with a decline in their health. You may find yourself with weight loss, sleep loss or various medical problems. Don’t let your health deteriorate.
Make a special effort to eat well and get exercise. Don’t overwork or use drugs to cover up your pain. You need to feel strong and fresh to deal with the choices you have to make and the things you have to do.
Action:
What do you need to do to eat better and get sufficient exercise? What health problems do you have now? Do you need to seek medical care for any emotional or physical problem you are having?
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Take responsibility for legal issues with the divorce
Don’t be passive when it comes to legal issues in divorce. Do your homework. States differ in the way that they treat divorce, financial settlements and child custody. You don’t want to have regrets later that you were taken advantage of because you were negligent in not getting good advice.
Action:
Contact an attorney to learn your legal rights. Think twice about a do-it-yourself divorce. Make a list of all the assets your family has that need to be negotiated. Bring this list with you when you get legal help.
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Take responsibility for your children
Children can be traumatized in a divorce and they need a stable environment and reassurance when this happens. Younger children may have abandonment fears. Don’t allow the battle between you and your ex to take so much time and energy that you do not focus on the needs of your children.
Action:
Spend sufficient time with your children and discuss subjects with them (appropriate for their age). List some of the topics you intend to discuss such as
-explain what divorce means
-confirm that both mommy and daddy still love you
-confirm that you are not in any way the cause of the breakup
-tell what arrangements are made, where you will live, with whom, when you will see the other parent, etc.
-ask about their fears, feelings, etc. to be able to address them
-reassure them that their lives will continue with as little change as possible
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Recognize the things you can control and the things you cannot
Think about the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” This is a major step for achieving serenity under the trying circumstances of divorce and for identifying the things you need to change.
Action:
Make a two column list of the things you can and should change and the things you cannot change or control. This will help you refrain from spending wasted energy on the things you can’t control such as your divorce, your ex, other people, etc. and spend more energy on what you can do and should do to move yourself forward.
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Identify your options and ACT
Repeat to yourself these key words of divorced people: “I Have Options” “I Can Do It on My Own.” Yes, you have options. Many divorced people get stuck because they fail to investigate or brainstorm the options they have. They are frozen and don’t act.
Learn to control your life after divorce. Don’t let the divorce control you. Now that you are in control of your life, begin to take advantage of it. Begin to fix the problems you face and make the decisions you need to make.
Action:
Think about what options – what alternatives you have. Then decide what you need to do and take action. Examples- What will I do? Where will I live? What do I need to do to get financially stable? What do I need to do to assert my legal rights? What boundaries do I need to set with my ex, with his family, with his friends? What changes do I need to make right now?
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Questions for Step 5: How to Take Responsibility for Yourself and Your Children
Q. What did your ex do while you were married that you now have the responsibility for doing? Have you begun to do these tasks on your own?
Q. What responsibilities do you now have where you need to get help?
Don’t try to do everything on your own if you can call on others to help or advise you.
Q. What new responsibilities do you have with your children?
Q. What can you do to shift your focus more toward you, your needs, your responsibilities, and your future and less time, thought and energy spent on the Big D (divorce)?
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