Preparing yourself for the man of your dreams
“needed” to be in a relationship to be whole. As time passed, our relationship got worse and worse, and I just couldn’t figure out why. It got to the point where the sight of him chewing his food made me cringe.
Deep inside I knew what I wanted—or at least I thought I did. I was so confused. Leave. Stay. Cheat. Get married. Dump him. Stay engaged until things change. Move to LA. Have a baby. I was so lost and completely miserable.
Looking back on that relationship, I realized what the problem was. I was not ready to be in a loving, passionate, committed relationship. I had not yet fallen in love or committed to myself. I didn’t know what it felt like to be really loved and how I was supposed to love someone in return.
That relationship was just a lesson. He wasn’t my king because I had not yet become a queen. My life wasn’t groomed, prepared, and ready to handle the responsibilities that come with being in a real relationship with a real man. I hadn’t yet learned how to
communicate effectively or how to trust—or what commitment really meant. I realized that I had to learn all of these things before the type of man I deserve will show up.
After that relationship, I was single for quite some time. It seemed there were no men around—no one was asking me out; I didn’t even meet any quality men. Then it hit me: This was my time to fall in love with me, with no distraction of a man. I began to learn
exactly what I wanted and expected out of a relationship. I learned to enjoy my own company and really, truly take care of myself. And when this happened, I was then ready for my king to show up.
All Men are Dogs
Do you really still believe this line? Unfortunately, “All men are dogs” is a line—a belief—that some women still hold on to. Who are these women? These are the women who sit and wait for a good man to fall into their laps. These are the same women who feel that they have the privilege of getting an honest, good man—without lifting a finger. And when they don’t, they act stunned, hurt, and betrayed. And they say, “All men are dogs.”
Listen up: There is an abundance of good men walking this earth! Like I said before, they’re all over the place. But they will not walk into your life if you’re not ready for all that a “good man” brings. And they will definitely not walk into your life if it’s a life that they don’t wish to be a part of. Who are you to ask for a good man if you are not yourself a good woman who’s living a good life?
If you haven’t found that perfect man for you, it’s not because there aren’t any available; it’s because you’re not ready for him. Here’s the solution to finding your perfect man: Focus on you. Become the person that you want to have in your life. Do all the things that you would want your man to do for you. Display the behavior that you’d want him to have. So if you want an honest, financially able man who is physically fit and spiritually grounded, then—you guessed right—that’s exactly who you have to be.
You have to start speaking the truth, getting your finances in order, and getting your body together. You have to explore your spirituality and strengthen your relationship with God. Because whatever you are doing is exactly what you will attract.
So if you’re sitting around doing nothing all day, you’re out of shape, and your finances are all jacked up, you can’t walk around complaining
about the shortage of good men and wondering why you keep attracting losers. Step back, reflect, and ask yourself: “Who am I and what am I attracting?”
Say I Do to YOU
A wedding vow is a promise, a pledge, and a personal commitment that you make to the person that you plan to spend the rest of your life with. You vow to love this other person “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.” That’s a big commitment! But aren’t you really the person that you have to spend the rest of your life with? Have you made that commitment to yourself? Do you love yourself no matter what? If you don’t know how to commit to yourself, how can you fully know how to commit to someone else?
Not being committed and in love with yourself can show up in many ways: in the form of toxic relationships, loneliness, frustration with your current boyfriend or husband, and confusion as to why you can’t find the right man for you. If you’re experiencing any of these things, it’s time to make some vows of your own while you prepare yourself for Mr. Right to show up.
Take some time and write down some vows to yourself. Here’s an example:
“I vow to love myself passionately, from physical body to my spirit and soul. I will honor my body, and preserve it until the love of my life shows up because the power that it has is invaluable. I will commit to increasing my spirituality and place a high value on money and the material things that it can provide for my life. I vow to trust my instincts and intuition and to always listen to my heart. No matter what
circumstance I find myself in, I will always put my needs first so that I can be full enough to give to others. I am worthy of receiving all my desires and I vow to only accept people and things that add value to my life. I solemnly swear to love Shanel Cooper-Sykes until death parts me from this earth.”
Now make a solemn, sincere vow of your own:
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What Do You Bring to the Table?
Quality men look for women who bring something to the table. They want a woman who will add value to their lives and make them a better man in every possible way. Sure, being cute, having a nice body and good cooking skills is a plus—but what else do you have? No one can answer that question but you. Think about this: What you bring to the
table determines who sits down at your table. And if you don’t know what you bring, then pretty much anyone can sit down—or worse, no one will want to take a seat. This goes back to using what you’ve got to get what you want. And whatever type of man you want, you must fill your table with the things that will attract him into your life.
So what do you want? There’s that magic question again. What is it
exactly that you want in a man? Too often we focus on what we don’t
want. Saying things like, “I don’t like short men,” “I don’t like broke men,” “I don’t like dishonest men.” These are all affirmations and will wind up being exactly what you get. So focus on what you do want in a man. And be very specific because it may not be how or when you expect it, but he will show up in some form or fashion.
So let’s get clear about what you want in a man. (Do this exercise even if you’re in a relationship; it may uncover some things that you didn’t even realize.)
My perfect man will…
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What Men Really Want
Did you think I could answer that? Sorry, darling, I’m a woman just like you, and I have no idea how to answer that question. This is a big problem for us. When we have men issues or questions, we ask
our girlfriends—wrong move! Men have different needs, different
approaches to solving things, and different ways of communicating, so a good habit for you to develop is to ask a man when you want to know
something about men.
I took an online poll and asked a few men the question that puzzles us women all the time: “What do you want from a woman?” I got responses from men all over the world, and here’s what they have to say… Jonathan: “Confidence! I want a woman who knows what she wants, knows who she is, and is confident being in her own skin.”
Rob: “I like a natural woman. All the hair weaves and fake fingernails is a major turnoff. And not too much make-up, if any at all. I can’t stand kissing a woman with sticky lips full of lip gloss.”
Michael: “I like smart women. Not like school smart, but smart about life. You can always tell a woman who has a good head on her shoulders by the choices and decisions that she makes in her life.”
Corey: “I like a woman who can hold a conversation. When she opens her mouth, she’s not talking non-sense. She’s aware of what’s happening in the world and has something to say about it. That’s sexy.”
Jelani: “I like a woman who can cook and likes doing it. I shouldn’t have to take you out to dinner every night.”
Alero: “I like a woman who is modest. If I can see everything that you have to offer, I really don’t need to get to know you to find out anything else. It’s like, if you’ve got it on display, I know it’s easy for me to get.”
Daniel: “I like a woman who has her own money. It shows that you’re not waiting for a man to come and take care of you. When a woman has her own, it makes me want to spend more for her. Needy women are the worst.”
Jay: “I like a woman that knows what stage she’s at when it comes to men. Do you just want to date, are you ready to be in a long term relationship, or do you want to get married? So I know how to approach everything.”
Anthony: “I like a woman who doesn’t try too hard—like overdressing or too much jewelry. Just be yourself.”
Pete: “Loyalty. Respect. Honor. And food! My woman has to know how tocook!”
Shawn: “I like classy, ladylike women. But then know how to turn into a bad girl when needed.”
Aaron: “You have to let me lead and be the man.”
Dave: “A woman needs to complement my life, not complicate it!” Oscar: “She has to know about money and how to handle it. Finance is an important part of a relationship.”
Ike: “Sex, sex, and more sex. For some reason women slow down or give it up when they get in a relationship. If we we’re having sex often when we first started dating, what makes you think it’s okay to slow it down? If anything we want it more!”
Alex: “I like a woman who is independent but not too proud to ask for help when she needs it.”
Wilson: “I like a woman who is passionate about her dreams and isn’t afraid to go out there and make it happen.”
William: “My woman has to be supportive. She has to be able to push and motivate me to do better.”
Mario: “She has to have nice feet. Battered toes and chipped polish is a major turnoff. I don’t care how good the rest of you looks.”
Bennie: “I like a woman who is naturally sexy. One who doesn’t have to dry too hard.”
Rodger: “She can’t be scared and timid in the bedroom. I like a woman who has sexual confidence and does not just go through the motions but is actually enjoying the experience.”
Olu-Yomi: “Cookie—and lots of it! Cookies will keep the monster home!”
Louis: “She has to know how to dress, too tight or unflattering clothes where extra skin or rolls that are visible is a turnoff.”
Oleye: “I like a clean woman—clean body, clean house, and clean mind.”
Rolleho: “I like a neat woman who doesn’t have too much going on with her, like a carrying a big ol’ purse, too much jewelry, messy clothes, and hair all over the place. Just keep it simple.”
Nathaniel: “She has to know how to be my friend. I don’t want to have to hide things or feel like I need to lie.”
Benjamin: “Spirituality is important. I find that when they are spiritually grounded, they are better able to handle relationships.”
Kenny: “Nice underwear.”
Clay: “I like a woman who has high self-esteem and self-love. If you can’t tell me how to love you and be confident enough to do so, then we’re doomed.”
Bill: “I like assertive women, women who know what they want. I don’t like confused and indecisive women.”
Nyles: “I like a woman who takes care of her body. Works out and is health conscious.”
Gregory: “I like a woman who is comforting, who always has open arms and listens.”
Martin: “She has to understand my needs, realize that they change, and be willing to make sacrifices for the sake of our relationship.”
Lenny: “Maternal instincts are a plus. If we’re going to build a life together, she has to be a good mother.”
Gino: “A woman who’s a fighter, who can keep it together when we’re going through rough times.”
Interesting huh, ladies? I hope you took note. Rule of thumb: Do not ask your girlfriends for advice on men. Ask a man; better yet, ask your
man. Once you do find that perfect guy and get the relationship you want, remember that you’re not the only one in it. Find out what your man wants and what he likes, and be sure to provide it. Because what you won’t do, somebody else will. (We will talk about this in the next chapter.)
es, I said put the pole in the kitchen! Pole dancing and stripper classes have become more popular than ever. They are offered at almost every gym, there are DVDs and instructional manuals, and you can even buy a pole to put in your house! But here’s my question: How are you going to strip for your man if he’s too hungry to pay attention? Ask any man—a home- cooked meal is better than watching a chick swinging on a pole. He may act like he’ll die without sex, but trust me, most men would rather have sex after a satisfying meal that’s prepared by his Domestic Goddess. Now, if you’re really claiming the title of a Goddess, why not put a pole in the kitchen, cook your man a meal, and put on a show? It may
sound silly, but hey, every man has a fantasy, and that just might be his. Okay, that may be a bit much for some of you. But you get my drift: You have got to keep your relationship hot!