Unit 6: Self Compassion/Flow/Goals
“Being human is not about being any one particular way; it is about being as life creates you—with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and oddities. By accepting and embracing the human condition, I could better accept and embrace Rowan and also my role as the mother of an autistic child.”
One of our worst mental habits is being excessively hard on ourselves around our own flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings.
More than a decade ago, researcher Kristin Neff wondered what kind of toll this habit takes on our happiness, and she started to explore whether there might be a healthier way of relating to ourselves.
This led her to do pioneering research on the concept of "self-compassion," which she defines as quieting one's inner critic and replacing it with a voice of
support, understanding, and care--in other words, treating yourself with the same kindness and support that you show to other people.
As we go through this unit consider:
What are the reasons sc is such a novel and Significant idea?
What are some of the cultural forces that run counter to the practice of self-compassion?
Are you compassionate towards yourself in the face of failure?
Do you have any knee-jerk reservations about practicing self-compassion? What social, cultural, or psychological factors might give rise to those
reservations and prevent you from extending compassion toward yourself? What Is Self-Compassion
Ancient ways of thinking implied that happiness was a function of virtue. Part of that involved self-harshness, guilt, and self-flagellation, the ancients believing that these were main ways to achieve happiness, which you actually didn’t get to arrive at until the afterlife.
So happiness was viewed as a kind of duty, which involved pain to the self, sacrifice, even something as extreme as martyrdom.
Why martyrdom? Well martyrs in many philosophies, religious and spiritual traditions, are considered the holy examples of ideal leaders.
you have to criticize yourself and your own existence and make big sacrifices in order to be happy.
There is the classic idea that mistakes, or often what we call sin, requires punishment. And in children if you spare the rod you spoil the child. So there is history to physically punishing and punishing in other ways when we, or others make mistakes.
And this past directly correlates to us as we often are much harsher in judging ourselves and own mistakes than we would be to anyone else.
From a Darwinian perspective there is also the connection to natural selection and survival. In other words we should be driven just by the fear of punishment, because those who fail are punished which means your are less fit and in a more morbid narrative the less than fittest dies.
So letting that idea that you have to be the best in every walk of life in every pursuit you make in order for life to be worth living is something that informs our habits of thinking. From psychology we have the Freudian tradition, which suggests that humans are driven by selfish, destructive, aggressive impulses that need to be firmly controlled. There’s another tradition from psychology that infuses modern thinking about the self in this way, which is behaviorism. Behaviorism was a decades long tradition where ideas about the mind and mental life were really relegated to punishment and reward. Bad behaviors, and what they were for or what they came from were not the concern, but that all we need to do is punish the undesired behaviors.
The self esteem movement also created problems with regard to how we see ourselves and our ability to be self caring. Because self esteem suggests, that to consider
yourself valuable you have to be better than average.
That’s great except that if everybody’s aspiring for that, and everybody is better than average we’re in a place of mathematical implausibility. It’s statistically impossible for everybody to be better than average.
Is it ok to be average? What is wrong with being average anyway? Part of the issue with this is from an evolutionary standpoint we are hardwired to compete, From the earliest times when we went from a nomadic to hunter gatherer society competition was necessary to survive to be average meant death.
So that being said can we develop ways to be kinder and gentler to ourselves? So what exactly is self-compassion? Psychologist Kristin Neff defines it as; the practice of quieting the inner critic, replacing it with a voice of support,
understanding, and care for one’s self. The components of self compassion include: Self-kindness
A sense of common humanity or being connected to other people or feeling interdependent
Mindfulness or being willing to relate to moments in a kind and discerning and non-judgmental way.
Three Components of Self Compassion
First there is no difference between compassion for self and others. Self-compassion has the components of a sense of kindness, care, understanding for yourself versus judgment, a sense of common humanity versus feeling isolated and cut off from others, and a sense of mindfulness - being aware of the suffering that’s occurring.
1. Self-kindness versus Self-judgment
Kindness is more than just hearts and flowers. Kindness has a very active component to it. When you’re kind to yourself, you really want to comfort yourself when you’re suffering, you want to alleviate your suffering, you want to soothe yourself.
Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.
fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional
equanimity is experienced.
2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation
Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an
irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes.
All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
3. Mindfullness vs. Over identification
Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems
from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective.
It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to
suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
Exercises to Cultivate Self Compassion
Exercise 1 This might seem silly or strange at first, but when you’re upset, give yourself (or imagine) a hug or gently rock your body. Your body will respond to the physical warmth and care. In fact, hugging yourself actually has soothing benefits. According to Kristin Neff, “research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin [“hormone of love and bonding”], provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions and calms cardiovascular stress.”
Exercise 2 Think about a trait that you often criticize yourself for and “is an important part of your self-definition,” such as being a shy or lazy person. Then answer these
questions:
How often do you show this trait? Who are you when you don’t show it? “Are you still you?”
Do certain circumstances bring out this trait? “Does this trait really define you if particular circumstances must be present in order for the trait to emerge?”
What circumstances have led to you having this trait, such as childhood experiences or genetics? “If these ‘outside’ forces were partly responsible for you having this trait, is it accurate to think of the trait as reflecting the inner you?”
Do you have a choice in showing this trait? Did you choose to have this trait in the first place?
What if you “reframe your self-description”?
Neff uses the example of reframing “I am an angry person” to “Sometimes, in certain circumstances, I get angry.” Neff asks: “By not identifying so strongly with this trait, does anything change? Can you sense any more space, freedom, peace of mind?” Exercise 3 One helpful way to promote mindfulness is with a practice called noting. That is, you note everything you think, feel, hear, smell and sense. To do this pick a comfortable spot and sit down for 10 to 20 minutes. Acknowledge each thought, feeling or sensation and just go on to the next one.
If you get lost in thought, like if you start planning tomorrow’s breakfast, simply say “lost in thought” to yourself. According to Kristin Neff, “This skill offers a big payoff in terms of allowing us to be more fully engaged in the present, and it also provides us with the mental perspective needed to deal with challenging situations effectively.” Exercise 4 Self Compassion Letter
The point of the letter is to express compassion for an aspect of yourself that you don’t like. So in the letter, try to respond with compassion to your own flaws and setbacks, rather than beating yourself up.
The first step is to think of something about yourself that makes you feel ashamed or insecure or not good enough.
The next step is to write it down and describe how it makes you feel, as sad or embarrassed or angry or inadequate. And try to be as honest as
possible.
As you write a letter to yourself about this, express compassion, understanding, and acceptance about this aspect of yourself that you dislike.
Kristen Neff suggests; take the perspective that you take towards someone else that you love and accept unconditionally, shift that lens towards yourself. Remember that
everyone has things that they don’t like about themselves and that no one is without flaws. Consider the many factors, families, opportunities, and even genes, that could have played a role in these negative aspects of yourself.
Ask yourself are there things that you could do to improve or better cope with this negative thing?
Focus on how constructive changes can make you feel happier, healthier, or more fulfilled and avoid judging yourself.
After writing the letter, put it down for a little while then come back to it later and read it again. It may be especially helpful to read it when you’re feeling bad about this thing you don’t like, this aspect of you don’t like, as a reminder to be more self
compassionate.
Cultivating self-compassion may not be easy, but it’s no doubt a worthwhile, empowering and liberating way to live your life.
Strategies for Self-Compassion
Being self-compassionate might seem unnatural at first. These strategies can help. This may be harder for some individuals, particularly if you’ve experienced trauma.
1. Consider how you’d treat someone else. The simplest thing you can do, according to Neff, is to imagine what you’d do if someone you cared about came to you after failing or getting rejected. What would you say to that person? How would you treat them?
2. Watch your language. You may be so used to criticizing yourself that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it. So it helps to pay particular attention to the words you use to speak to yourself. If you wouldn’t say the same statements to someone you care about, then you’re being self-critical, Neff said.
3. Comfort yourself with a physical gesture. Kind physical gestures have an immediate effect on our bodies, activating the soothing parasympathetic system, Neff said. Specifically, physical gestures “get you out of your head and drop you into your body,” she said, which is important since “the head loves to run away with storylines.” For instance, she suggested putting your hands over your heart or simply holding your arm. Any gesture will do.
4. Memorize a set of compassionate phrases. Whenever you find yourself saying, “I’m horrible,” it helps to have a few phrases at the ready. Pick statements that really resonate with you. Combining that with a physical gesture — like hands over your heart — is especially powerful, Neff said. She uses the following phrases:
This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment? May I give myself the compassion I need?
5. Practice guided meditation. Meditation helps to retrain the brain, Neff said. This way, self-compassionate gestures and self-soothing become more natural.
https://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4 Why Practice Self Compassion
The Benefits of Self Compassion
http://www.emmaseppala.com/scientific-benefits-self-compassion-infographic/ http://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/
Finding Flow
Have you ever been so engaged in an activity that you lost all sense of time? Hours passed, but you didn't notice; you felt calm, focused, deeply satisfied, even meditative?
Psychologists have a word for that mental state: flow. Research on flow was pioneered by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, one of the early leaders in the positive psychology
movement.
Csikszentmihalyi set out to understand the roots of creativity and productivity; over time, the concept of flow has been strongly associated with happiness.
Many people surveyed in research by Csikszentmihalyi and others report that flow is an optimal state, when they truly feel like they're "in the zone." In flow, we experience the opposite of the kind of distracted mind-wandering.
Research by Csikszentmihalyi and his colleagues, including the influential
study "Optimal Experience in Work and Leisure," suggests that people are most likely to achieve flow--and the positive states that accompany it--when engaged in a task that is challenging but for which they also have adequate skills.
This balance between challenge and skill is integral to flow, and it may help to explain why people are more likely to report experiencing flow when working than
during leisure.
As we go through this section consider the following:
Can you think of a time when you felt like you were experiencing flow? What did it feel like?
How might you create opportunities for yourself to experience more flow in your life?
What is Flow?
Put simply, it’s a state of mind you achieve when you’re fully immersed in a task, forgetting about the outside world. It’s a concept proposed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, and these days you’re likely to read about it on blogs and in all kinds of magazines.
When you’re in the state of Flow, you:
Are completely focused on the task at hand
Forget about yourself, about others, about the world around you Lose track of time
One thing I love about Flow is that it takes the very Zen concept of being completely in the moment, and applies it to work tasks. It’s a concept I’ve talked a lot about on my blog Zen Habits — being in the moment, focusing completely on a single task, and finding a sense of calm and happiness in your work. Flow is exactly that.
Why is Flow Important?
I believe the ability to single-task (as opposed to multi-task) is one of the keys to true productivity. Not the kind of productivity where you knock off 20 items from your to-do list (although that can be satisfying), where you’re switching between tasks all day long and keep busy all the time.
The true productivity is the kind where you actually achieve your goals, where you accomplish important and long-lasting things. For example
As a writer, that might mean writing one or two important and memorable articles rather than 20 or 50 unimportant ones that people will forget 5 minutes after reading them. It means getting key projects done rather than answering a bunch of emails, making a lot of phone calls, attending a bunch of meetings, and shuffling paperwork all day long. It means closing key deals. It means quality instead of quantity.
Once you’ve learned to focus on those kinds of important projects and tasks, Flow is how you get them done. You lose yourself in those important and challenging tasks, and instead of being constantly interrupted by minor things (calls, emails, IMs,
coworkers, etc.), you are able to focus on the tasks long enough to actually complete them.
By losing yourself in them, you enjoy yourself more. You reduce stress while increasing quality output. You get important stuff done instead of just getting things done. You achieve things rather than just keeping busy.
Flow is one of the keys to all of that.
How to achieve flow and happiness in your work
So how do you achieve this mystical state of being? Do you need to meditate or chant anything? No, you don’t (although meditation can improve your ability to concentrate). Flow is anything but mystical — it’s very practical, and achieving it isn’t mysterious. It can take practice, but you’ll get better at it. Here are the key steps to achieving and
benefiting from Flow:
1. 1. Choose work you love. If you dread a task, you’ll have a hard time losing yourself in it. If your job is made up of stuff you hate, you might want
to consider finding another job. Or consider seeking projects you love to do within your current job. At any rate, be sure that whatever task you choose is something you can be passionate about.
2. Choose an important task. There’s work you love that’s easy and unimportant, and then there’s work you love that will make a long-term impact on your career and life. Choose the latter, as it will be a much better use of your time, and of Flow.
3. Make sure it’s challenging, but not too hard. If a task is too easy, you will be able to complete it without much thought or effort. A task should be challenging enough to require your full concentration. However, if it is too hard, you will find it difficult to lose yourself in it, as you will spend most of your concentration just trying to figure out how to do it — either that, or you’ll end up discouraged. It may take some trial and error to find tasks of the appropriate level of difficulty.
4. Find your quiet, peak time. This is actually two steps grouped into one. First, you’ll want to find a time that’s quiet, or you’ll never be able to focus. For me, that’s mornings, before the hustle of everyday life builds to a dull roar. That might be early morning, when you just wake, or early in the work day, when most people haven’t arrived yet or are still getting their coffee and settling down. Or you might try the lunch hour, when people are usually out of the office. Evenings work well too for many people. Or, if you’re lucky, you can do it at any time of the day if you can find a quiet spot to work in. Whatever time you choose, it should also be a peak energy time for you. Some people get tired after lunch — that’s not a good time to go for Flow. Find a time when you have lots of energy and can concentrate.
5. Clear away distractions. Aside from finding a quiet time and place to work, you’ll want to clear away all other distractions. That means turning off distracting music (unless you find music that helps you focus), turning off phones, email and IM notifications, Twitter and Growl, and anything else that might pop up or make noise to interrupt your thoughts. I also find it helpful to clear my desk, even if that means sweeping miscellaneous papers into a folder to be sorted through later. Of course, these days there isn’t anything on my desk, but I didn’t always work like this. A clear desk helps immensely.
6. Learn to focus on that task for as long as possible. This takes practice. You need to start on your chosen task and keep your focus on it for as long as you can. At first, many people will have difficulty, if they’re used to constantly switching between tasks. But keep trying, and keep bringing your focus back to your task. You’ll get better. And if you can keep your focus on that task, with no distractions, and if your task has been chosen well (something you love, something important, and something challenging), you should lose yourself in Flow.
7. Enjoy yourself. Losing yourself in Flow is an amazing thing, in my experience. It feels great to be able to really pour yourself into something worthwhile, to make great progress on a project or important task, to do something you’re passionate about. Take the time to appreciate this feeling (perhaps after the fact — it’s hard to appreciate it while you’re in
Flow).
https://youtu.be/mN6i9a0LBGY
8. Keep practicing. Again, this takes practice. Each step will take some practice, from finding a quiet, peak time for yourself, to clearing distractions, to choosing the right task. And especially keeping your focus on a task for a long time. But each time you fail, try to learn from it. Each time you succeed, you should also learn from it — what did you do right? And the more you practice, the better you’ll get.
9. Reap the rewards. Aside from the pleasure of getting into Flow, you’ll also be happier with your work overall. You’ll get important stuff done. You’ll complete stuff more often, rather than starting and stopping frequently. All of this is hugely satisfying and rewarding. Take the time to appreciate this, and to continue to practice it every day.
Is There Such a Thing as Overflow?
Flow could be characterized as a heightened state of focus, a close relative to the concept of mindfulness. And as Dacher explained in the previous video, we're more likely to get into a state of flow when there's the right balance between challenge and skill.
But what happens when a challenge ramps up and we don't have the skills to meet it? We're at risk of experiencing "frazzle," as Daniel Goleman explains in the next video.
Goleman is the best-selling author of many books, including Emotional Intelligence and the recent Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence. In this video, he explains the relationship between focus, flow, and frazzle, providing more insight into the
conditions that foster flow.
What kinds of situations might push you from feeling flow to feeling frazzled?
Gooooooooaaaals!!!
Many of the themes of this unit—self compassion, focus, flow--converge on another mental habit that relates to happiness: goal setting.
Research suggests that setting goals for ourselves, and progressing toward those goals, can foster well-being, perhaps because our happiness is intertwined with having a sense of meaning, hope, and purpose in life.
However, research also suggests that not all goals contribute equally to our happiness. Which types of goals have been linked to happiness, and which might contribute to its opposite.
Goals are the way we can turn our values and dreams into reality. Happiness doesn't just happen - it comes from thinking, planning and pursuing things that are important to us. Scientific research shows that setting and working towards goals can contribute to happiness in various ways, including:
Being a source of interest, engagement or pleasure Giving us a sense of meaning and purpose
Bringing a sense of accomplishment when we achieve what we set out to (or milestones along the way) - this also builds our confidence and belief in what we can do in the future
Goals help focus our attention. Actively working towards them appears to be as important for our well-being as achieving the end results we are aiming for.
Goals are most successful when they're something we really want to achieve and when we set them for ourselves - rather than being something someone else wants us to do. Goals can be long-term, short-term or even day-to-day.
A long-term goal might be a big career or life goal - for example to become a doctor or obtain a qualification.
A short-term goal might be a plan for the coming weeks or months - for example to organize a party or join a 5-a-side team.
A day-to-day goal might be just to cook something different or contact an old friend.
and are manageable - has been consistently shown to boost well-being, especially when they're supported by others around us. And it's even better if we can link our smaller goals back to our bigger aims and priorities in life.
The way we set goals influences the actions we take to achieve them, the effort we put in and how persistent we are at sticking to them. Some of our goals may be ambitious, but it's important that they're still achievable. Achieving our goals brings a sense of accomplishment and makes us feel more positive about the future.
Having goals for things we want to do and working towards them is an important part of being human. The path towards our goals may not always run smoothly or be easy, but having goals, whether big or small, is part of what makes life good.
https://youtu.be/GOfl2sbgPhk
Over 2000 years ago, Aristotle said "Well begun is half done." And with regards to goals, he's right (as he seems to have been on a lot of things). Paying attention to how we set our goals makes us more like to achieve them and achieving them makes us feel good about ourselves and our lives.
1. Decide. Think of something you want to do or work towards. It doesn't matter what, as long as it's something you want to do - ideally something you're interested in or feel excited by. It should be something you want to do for its own sake not for something or someone else. It can be a big thing or a small thing - sometimes it is easier to get going with something small. And it often helps if it's something that's just a little bit beyond what you currently can do - goals that stretch us can be motivating!
2. Write it down. Carefully. Writing down our goals increases our chances of sticking with them. Write down how you will know you have reached your goals and when you'd like to have achieved it by. Ask yourself: what it will 'look' like and how will you feel when you've done it? How does it connect to who or what you value in your life? Describe your goal in specific terms and timescales e.g. 'I want to plant lettuces, carrots and peas in the empty patch in my garden by the end of May' rather than 'I want to do some gardening.' Write your goals in terms of what you want, not what you don't want. For
example: 'I want to be able to wear my favourite jeans again', rather than 'I don't want to be over-weight anymore'.
3. Tell someone. Telling someone we know about our goals also seems to increase the likelihood that we will stick at them.
4. Break your goal down. This is especially important for big goals. Think about the smaller goals that are steps on the way to achieving
your bigger aim. Sometimes our big goals are a bit vague, like 'I want to be healthier'. Breaking these down helps us be more specific. So a smaller goal might be 'go running regularly' or even 'to be able to run around the park in 20 minutes without stopping'. Write down your smaller goals and try to set some dates to do these by too. Having several smaller goals makes each of them a bit easier and gives us a feeling of success along the way, which also makes it more likely that we'll stay on track towards our bigger goal.
5. Plan your first step. An ancient Chinese proverb says that the journey of 1000 miles starts with one step. Even if your goal isn't to walk 1000 miles, thinking about the first step on the way will really help to get you started. Even if you don't know where to start there's no excuse - your first step could be to research 'how to…' on the internet or think of people you could ask or to get a book on the subject from the library. Then think of your next step…and the next… 6. Keep going. Working towards our goals can sometimes be difficult
and frustrating - so we need to persevere. If a step you're doing isn't working, think of something else you could try that still moves you forward, even a tiny bit. If you're struggling, ask people you know for their ideas on what you could do. They may help you see a different way. Thinking about different ways of reaching our goals makes it more likely we'll be successful. If you're really struck - take a break and then re-read the goal you wrote down when you started. If you need to adjust your goal - that's ok too. Then have another think about a small next step…
7. Celebrate. When you reach your goal take time to enjoy it and thank those that helped you. Think about what you enjoyed and learned along the way. Now, what is your next goal or project going to be?
Goals and Optimism
Science shows that people who are optimistic tend to be happier, healthier and cope better in tough times. Although we may have a natural tendency to be more optimistic or pessimistic, there are things we can do to take a more optimistic outlook, without losing touch with reality.
Optimism is about believing that things are more likely to turn out good than bad. Not surprisingly our level of optimism can influence how persistent we are in aiming for our goals and how we deal with setbacks.
Choosing goals that take us towards something positive we want to achieve, rather than goals that help us avoid things we don't want.
Being proactive when problems arise and looking for ways to resolve them, rather than ignoring or putting off dealing with issues.
Avoiding dwelling on the negative - learning to accept difficult things that we can't change and re-adjusting our goals rather than avoiding them.
A Realistic Optimist
Although there is some evidence of benefits to pessimism - such as in assessing risks to our health - the research suggests that optimism is better for our health and
happiness overall.
https://youtu.be/pbjH9d4h6GQ
Studies show that in difficult situations - such as starting college, aging or dealing with medical issues - optimists appear to experience less distress and higher well-being than pessimists.
But it's important we keep our feet on the ground. An overly optimistic outlook can be unhelpful. Being optimistic does not mean blindly ignoring the negative facts. Having unrealistically high expectations can lead to disappointment, a sense of failure and a more pessimistic view of the future.
When we think about the future we are all guessing to some degree - so we have to base our goals and our judgments on what little we know now. Taking a realistic but hopeful view of the outcomes seems to increase the likelihood that things really will turn out ok.
https://youtu.be/h9bxWX50roI Let's Discuss
Do you think it matters precisely what you're doing, or will anything that's sufficiently challenging that you have sufficient skills to make progress toward afford the
experience of flow? How might you set goals for yourself that could lead to experiencing more flow and, in turn, more happiness in life?
