We have talked about the necessity and value of boundaries, but the driving force has to be desire
Best reason is obedience to what God has told us and modeled for us, but that is not always enough
Some<mes we need a more compelling reason, and that reason is generally pain – pain can mo<vate us to act: “Sick and <re of being sick and <red”
Be even when we’re experiencing pain, we can be reluctant to act because there will be conflict
Our baFles fall into two categories: external and internal
External: resistance we get from others when we try to establish and maintain healthy boundaries
Internal: resistance can also come from ourselves, our flesh wants to have dominion over us as well – MaFhew 26:41 tells us the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak
Anger is the most common resistance – people who get angry at you for seOng boundaries have a character problem – they are self-‐centered believing the world exists for them and their comfort
Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people – it may help them to learn to respect other people
Staying separate from another’s anger is vitally important – let the anger be in the other person – if you rescue them from it or take it on yourself , the angry person will not get beFer, and you will be in bondage to them
Don ‘t let an out-‐of-‐control person be the cure for you to change your course – allow them to be angry, and decide for yourself what you need to do – there can be great power in inac<vity
Talk to your support group before and aTer a confronta<on, maybe even bring them along
Speak the truth in love – do not return an eye for an eye
If you keep your boundaries, they will have to learn self-‐control instead of other-‐ control
People with poor boundaries almost always internalize guilt messages directed at them: How could you do this to me aTer all I’ve done for you? It seems that you could think about someone other than yourself for once. You know how it’s turned out in the past when you haven’t listened to me. You know if I had it I would give it you .
Be open to rebuke and feedback, but guilt messages are not given for our growth or good – they are meant to manipulate and control
Guilt senders don’t openly admit their anger because that would expose their controlling – would rather focus on you and your behavior than how they feel
Again, instead of expressing and owning their feelings, they shiT focus to you
If you blame other people for “making” you feel guilty, you are giving them control of your life – stop blaming other people and realize the problem is inside
Only guilty children explain and jus<fy – you are just playing into their hands – just communicate your decision
Controllers will react when you set boundaries
What are you geOng? Money, rela<onship, favors, inclusion? You face a risk when seOng boundaries -‐ good honest people need discipline and respond to limits – those who don’t have “character disorders” and refuse to take responsibility for their own lives and ac<ons
Count the cost of the consequences – are you willing to risk the loss? Boundaries without consequences are not boundaries – you must decide if you are willing to enforce the consequences before you set the boundaries
Make new friends, make new arrangements, reorder your finances
There is no other way to deal with the power moves of others except to set your boundaries and go through with your plans
SeOng the limit is not the end of the baFle – you’ll need support and spiritual nourishment to keep your stand
There’s a difference between forgiveness and reconcilia<on
Forgiveness does not mean giving in to someone viola<ng your boundaries
Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me – it is something we do in our hearts – they do not have to ask – it is a work of grace in our hearts
Forgiveness does not always lead to reconcilia<on – forgiveness takes one, reconcilia<on takes two
We should forgive, but we should not open ourselves up to the offender un<l they’ve truly owned their part of the problem and demonstra<ng their trustworthiness – true repentance is much more than just saying “I’m sorry” – it involves a change in
We can be trying to fulfill some missing part within ourselves
When we have unmet needs, we need to take inventory and begin to have those needs met within the body of Christ
Common example: woman who had emo<onally unavailable fathers who didn’t show love will oTen pursue male rela<onship to fill this void, and will compromise to keep their “love”
Instead of obtaining the good, this is about leOng go of the bad
The basic rule in biblical recovery is that life before God is not worth holding onto – we must lose it, grieve it, let go so God can give us good things
We hold in the hope that “someday they will love me” or play the “if-‐onlies”
Admit you have a problem – that you lack boundaries, don’t blame someone else
Confess that you do not want to set boundaries because you are afraid
Cannot face hard truths alone – good grieving can only take place in rela<onship
Behind this failure to set limits is a fear of loss – put a name to who or what you are giving up and place it on the altar before God
Face what you will never have – like a funeral, you may go through the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance – to let go of what you never had is difficult – but you will save your life by losing it, and let God and his people fill you
God does not want angry people to control you – he wants to be your master
This part of you need to be exposed to the light and healing of God and his people – you’ll need to talk this out to find the source of your fear
Don’t go into automa<c pilot and give up your boundaries by either figh<ng or being passive – give yourself <me and space un<l you can respond
S<ck to you decisions – reiterate what you will do and won’t do, and let them be angry
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