EAT THE TASTE Copyright © 2006, Gteg Kotis
All Rights Reserved
(;AUTION: Professionals and amateurs ate hereby warned that performance of either of Ihe Plays in the volume EAT THE TASTE is subject ro payment of a royalty. The Plays :11\' Ii/Ill' protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all ('ollntries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of ( ::lI1acia and thc rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne (:onvention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relalions. All rights, including professional/amatcur stage rights, motion picture, recita lion, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information srorage and rettieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of lrallslation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed UpOIl the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the Author's agent in writing.
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SPECIAL NOTE
Anyone teceiving permission to produce either of the Plays in the volume EAT THE . /"ASTE is requited to give credit to the Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play(s) on rhe tide page of all programs distributed in connection with performances of the I'lay(s) and in all instances in which the tirle(s) of the Play(s) appears for purposes of advertising, rublicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play(s) and/or a production thereof. 'I'he name 0 the Author must appear on a separate line, in which no other name appears, immediately beneath the title(s) and in size of type equal ro 50% of the size of the largest, most prominent letter used for the tirle(s) of the Play(s). No person, firm or entity may receive credit larger or more prominent than that accorded the Author. The billing must appear as follows, with the song credit to appeat no smallet than any name other than Stars, Ditector and Author:
EAT THE TASTE by Greg Kotis "Shakin' Off the Chains" Music by Mark Hollmann Lytics by Mark Hollmann and Greg Kotis
III :"Idiliol), the following acknowledgment must appear on the tilk-p:lgc ill :.llIllrograms dh" ibulc·d in connection with pcrforf1lJJlces
or
FAT T! IFTA.')TI:.:Ulilli".dly 1",)(IIl<'<'d OU:.llro:ldw:t)' hy:-;,-oll M"d,'" ,,,,,I 1'1.'"1'1,'.... ", I',,, 1i\C'rs, Inc. SI'FCli\I , NOf'f. liN Mil'> '"
II" nlll:lll,1I ""I',i, I", FI\' I " I'III ~ 11\"' 11' I"'''}'.'' ',.j "f' ~I .. I 11 ..11", .... , I "~ 'C<Juired for J'{'dllllrl~tlh t , lIlt" '.11111:1 IIlw.k I." .w~jd\.I,l l Irlli ll rho I'J tt ' I I ill 11'1 ~Ifli 1111 , plll~ shipping.
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CONTENTS
EAT THE TASTE
5
AN EXAMINATION OF THE WHOLE PLAYWRIGHT/ACTOR RELATIONSHIP PRESENTED AS SOME KIND OF COP
SHOW PARODY
59
Z. SMITH REYNO
LD.S LIBRARY
EAT THE TASTE was first performed at the Barrow Street Theater in New York City on September 20, 2004. It was directed by John Clancy. The cast was as follows:
BILL (a.k.a. NUMBER THREE) Bill Coelius
PAUL (a.k.a. NUMBER SEVENTY-TWO) Paul Urcioli
EVA (a.k.a. AGENT TWENTY) Eva van Dok
GREG Greg Kotis
MATTHEW .... Gibson Frazier
MARK
Mark HollmannCONTROLLER TWELVE Casey Weaver
CHARACTERS
(in order of appearance)BILL (a.k.a. NUMBER THREE) - Early thirties. A Department
of Homeland Security officer. Tough, no-nonsense, a little clumsy.
He takes orders from Paul.
PAUL (a.k.a. NUMBER SEVENTY-TWO) - Early forties.
Another Department of Homeland Security officer. Tough, no
nonsense, trying not to get fired. He takes orders from Eva.
EVA (a.k.a. AGENT TWENTY) - Mid-thirties. An agent of the
Justice Department. Tough, no-nonsense, addicted to aspirin. She
gives orders to Paul and Bill.
GREG - Late thirties. Playwright. Nervous, panicky, sweaty. He
just wants to go home.
MATTHEW - Mid-thirties. Producer. Sharp, smooth, funny
when he has to be. Likes sparkling water.
MARK - Early forties. Composer. Calm, cool, and strangely, col
lected. Likes seltzer water.
:ONTROLLER TWELVE - Age unknown. Tough, zealous,
female. Speaks through a bullhorn.
PLACE
A motel somewhere in the New York area.
TIME
A few years from now.
c.
EAT THE
TASTE
In the dark we hear a voice popping in and out on a poLice
radio.
VOICE ON RADIO. Number Three? Over. (Pause, no response.)
Come in Number Three. Over. (A door opens aLong the upstage waLL;
Light spiLLs in from the haLLway beyond. BilL stands in siLhouette in the
do
Ol
;
gun drawn, aLert. He wears a nicely taiLored, FBI-styLe suit.)Seventy-Two calling Number Three. Come in. Over. (BilL puLLs a
radio from his pocket. He speaks quietly, confidently.)
BILL. This is Number Three, Number Seventy-Two. Over. (Pause')
VOICE ON RADIO. Number Seventy-Two calling Number
' nu"CC. Come in Number Three. Over. (Pause')
Iii LI ,. This is Number Three, Number Seventy-Two. I'm coming
III. What's your directive? Over.
VU IC E ON RADIO. Come in, Number Three. Come in. Come
ill! Over!
BIlL I'm coming in! What's your directive?! Over!
VOICE ON RADIO. Where are you, Number Three?! Come in,
~ome in stat! I repeat, stat! Over, (BilL Looks at his radio, momentarily
b4fled.
Then, reaLizing his error')IHLL. Oh, shit. (He turns a diaL on the radio.) This is Number
Three! I'm coming in, coming in stat, what's your directive?! Over!
(PI/use. Then, with extreme irritation')
V( )ICE ON RADIO, What is the condition of the nest, Number
'I 'hree? The condition of the nest. Please advise, over.
BILL. The nest? Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. The room, Number Three, the motel room. Over. (BilL flips on a Light switch by the door, The room is a Large,
shabby moteL room compLete with a bed, a tabLe with chairs, a night stand andphone, a window Looking out onto a par/eing Lot, and a door
that Leads into a bathroom. BiLL takes a quick but professionaLly thor
ough Look around the room.)
empty, empty and secure. Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. Copy that. Stand by. (Bill crosses to the win
dow and draws the curtain. He lingers there for a moment, scanning
the lot for activity.) What's the situation at the welcome desk? Over.
BILL. The welcome desk? Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. The manager. Has he been briefed? Over. BILL. Roger, that. Briefed and remunerated. The welcome desk will be welcoming. Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. Okay, Number Three, we're looking at an
ETA of about ninety [inaudible]. Secure the nest. We're bringing in the hatchling. Over. (Bdl didn't catch this. Finally.)
BILL. Ninety seconds? Over. (Pause, no response.) Did you say
ninety seconds or ninety minutes? Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. Ninety seconds, Number Three, we're just
outside the building. We're coming in. Over. (Bill looks out the
window.)
BILL. Copy that. Oh, right, I can see you pulling up. Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. You're breaking up, Number Three. Repeat, over. (Bill waves to the parking lot.)
BILL. I can see you. Look, I'm waving. Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. [Inaudible, bur urgent!]
BILL. You're looking right at me. I can see you, there are three of
you. Over. (Bill continues waving.)
VOICE ON RADIO. [Inaudible, even more urgent!]
BILL. I'm right here! You're looking at me, I can't believe you don't
see me. Over.
VOICE ON RADIO. Get! Away! From! The! Window! Over! (Bill
dives below the window. He crawls to the curtain cord and pulls it closed.)
BILL. Room secured. Room secured, over. (Pause, no response.)
The room - the nest is now secure, over. (Bill peeks through the
curtains. Paul and Eva enter with Greg, unseen by Bill, who's still focused on the parking lot outside. Paul and Eva carry guns and radios
and wear FBI power suits. Greg is bound at the wrists and has a pil
low sack with a child's room-style print tied over his head.) Repeat.
The nest is secure, over.
PAUL. I thought I told you to get away from the window. (Bill
spim. taken by surprise.)
EVA. Sit him down on the bed. (Paul sits Greg down on the bed.) I'll be back. (l:va exits')
PAUL.
(To
Bill) You were supposed to contact us after you settled10
with the manager.
BILL. It took a little time. He wanted more money.
PAUL. He always wants more money. BILL. I tried calling in for authorization. PAUL. Never heard your call if you did.
BILL. I had some trouble with my radio. PAUL. Trouble, huh?
lHLL. I didn't realize the volume dial was all the way down, then I didn't realize there was one dial for the mike and one for the
speaker, so - (Paul grabs Bill, pulling him close.)
l'AUL. No more fuck-ups, Bill. Cheney's Boys are allover this thing. Fuck up again and it's back to pushing paper for the both of liS. Got it?
IIILL. Number Three. I'/\UL. What's that?
BII.L. Number Three. You're supposed to call me Number Three.
(Nill nods toward Greg.)
I'AUL. Right. Number Three. (Paul and Bill turn to consider Greg.)
II ILL You got the liquid?
['AUL. Boss is bringing it.
1',[ \ ,I .. You think this guy's gonna Eat the Taste, or what?
1'/\\ l\ .. We'll see.
1111,1 ,. People don't change their stripes. Aging hippies, lifelong
1{''Pllblicans, people are what they are. l'AliL. Unless they Eat the Taste, of course.
HILL. That's right. Unless they Eat the Taste. (Paul and Bill share
II sinister laugh. Eva returns, which silences the two. She carries a brief
uJSe and a boom box, both ofwhich she puts on the table.)
I,'VA. Any word from Hollmann? l'AUL. Not yet.
BILL. Manager's been briefed. He'll call up when Hollmann shows. I'VA. Hollmann is the Urinetown composer, is that right? PAUL. Composer/lyricist.
EVA. And this one's the book writer? BILL. AKA librettist. Librettist/lyricist.
EVA. Strange job title.
PAUL. Strange job.
EVA. Well, what Mr. Ashcroft wants, Mr. Ashcroft gets. (Eva takes
out a file from her briefcase. All wait while she examines the papers.)
How are you today, Mr. Kotis? Everything okay? (No response.
To
Bill:) Take off the bag. (Bill undoes the pillowcase and takes it off
Greg's head. Greg is gagged and a little disoriented.) The gag, too.
BILL. He might start screaming.
EVA. Are you going to start screaming, Mr. Kotis? Because if you are, the gag goes back on, and so does the bag. You understand?
(Greg nods.) Okay. (Bill takes offthe gag.) You've given us quite a run
for the money these past few days, Mr. Kotis.
GREG. I didn't know who you were at first.
EVA. But you know now, right?
GREG. You're with - the Justice Department?
EVA. That's right. I'm with Justice, they're with Homeland.
PAUL. Department of Homeland Security.
EVA. Do you know why you're here, Mr. Kotis?
GREG. Urn ... I think I do.
EVA. Your file says you were fully briefed concerning the status of this matter.
GREG. I got a few calls, but I screen my calls.
EVA. You never talked to an agent in person?
GREG. Um . .. no. I do have their messages on my machine, but
:
1
no, I never picked up.
BILL. His machine only gives you ninety seconds, so it took a few
phone calls. But I was able to go into a little bit of detail.
EVA. You briefed the detainee via voice mail?
BILL. Answering machine. (Eva considers Bill unhappily, then
returns her attention to Greg.)
EVA. You should probably erase those messages, Mr. Kotis. The
sooner the better.
GREG. Okay.
EVA. We'll have some people help you with that.
GREG. Or I could just do it myself. When I go home. (Eva sig
nals to Paul, who takes out a pad, makes a note, then returns the pad
to his pocket.)
EVA. How do you feel about the Justice Department, Mr. Kotis?
GREG. No particular opinion.
EVA. Too harsh?
GREG. I don't know. Maybe.
EVA. Too punitive?
GREG. Could be.
EVA. Some fear the new law enforcement tools Justice has at its disposal. Access to business records, library records, tools like that.
GREG. Well, you need those tools. To fight terrorism.
BILL. You're God damn right, we do.
I'I\UI .. And other things.
I'.v 1\ . Some say we've acquired toO much power. Some say our "ll"ns dOIl'r jibe with the Constitution, Are you one of those peo
1'\", Mr. Kotis?
I'f\ lll.. People who say our efforts don't jibe?
\ : Rl:,( ;. I'm sure your effortS jibe.
1\11.1.. You're God damn right they jibe. (Paul makes another note / 11
hi
s
l
iI/d.)
I' VA. l-low about Mr. Ashcroft, John Ashcroft, the Attorney
:t: IH.: r:tI? How do you feel about him?
L: I{ I;.( ;. Don'r you mean retired Attorney General?
EVA. "Retired"? (Eva, Paul, and Bill chuckle knowingly.) Just tell us IIC'w YOll
feci
about him.\ :IU:.C. No opinion.
1:.vA. TI,t::arer people usually don't like Mr. Ashcroft.
( : IU.:( ;. I don'r know that you can really generalize about theater
l'l ,.,,,I,· like lhal.
\,At il . I' )(CcPI \"0 say rhat there's no people like them. 11I1 I.. No pt'opk I know.
I :RI',(:. I jllSI t1,il1k you'll find as many opinions among theater 1'1'''1,1,. . 1', )'( )( I will a!llong government people.
l .vf\ Ilpw "h"ut your opinion? (.I U'.( .. Nil opillion.
l'l\ lll . A vill:,in?
:1 <. 1\( :. NOI particularly.
1111 .1 .. All oppressive figure? A usurper of civil liberties? ( :lt L( :. Couldn't really say,
I.,VA. You write a play like Urinetown and you have no opinion of Illh II Ashcroft?
( : IZi ;.C. Not a well-thought-out one.
L1.vA. I thought you were a political-science guy.
( : IU :.C. 1 was. I just never got into legal issues. 1 liked internation .d
s
lIIff
that was about it.1111.1.. Legal issues are international these days. ( ; REG. I suppose that's true.
PAUL. You support the war?
( ; REG. The war?
I'VA. You said you liked international stuff. 1assume you have an opinion about the war?
GREG. Which war?
GREG. Why are you asking me about the war?
PAUL. Are you uncomfortable sharing your views on the war? GREG. They've been going on a long time, I Suppose.
BILL. The fight is about freedom, Mr. Kotis. GREG. Of Course.
PAUL. As is Mr. Ashcroft's fight.
GREG. Well, that's important. Freedom. BILL. You're God damn right, it is.
PAUL. And as Mr. Ashcroft himself once said, "We know the bat tle is not yet won, nor does the war to defend liberty ever end." Ever. BILL. That's from his address to the Heritage Foundation. PAUL. You know it.
BILL. Except for the extra "ever." PAUL. Personal touch.
GREG. Would it be possible to undo my wrists? They're getting a little tight.
EVA. No, the wrists stay cuffed for now.
BILL. I could get you something to drink, if you like. GREG. Something to drink?
BILL. Water? Coffee? Cola?
GREG. Coffee would be great, actually.
BILL. Great. (Bill starts looking around the motel room for coffie.) EVA. Do you like him? As a man?
GREG. Bill? I mean, Number Three? EVA. John Ashcroft.
GREG. I don't know him.
EVA. Do you like what you know of him? GREG. I .. . don't ...
EVA. Because he likes you, you and Mr. Hollmann. Likes your work. GREG. My work?
EVA. Urinetown. PAUL. Loved it. EVA. Big fan.
PAUL. Big fan of musicals. GREG. He is?
EVA. Big fan. GREG. Of musicals? PAUL. Of your musical. GREG. That's amazing.
EVA. Well, it certainly wasn't to my taste. PAUL. Let fringe material stay in the fringe.
14
I' VA, A Ild the whole deconstructionist narrator thing. I'A I II .. Cop-out.
I YA. ICyou want to tell a story, tell a story. Don't tell a story about 'l·lli'lj; a story.
,
I'AUI.. Music was good.
FV/\, Allyway, it's not for us to judge these things. It's for John
A·./ Iu 'ofi.
I'AI II ., And he has judged you. (Eva and Paul give Grega thumbs-up.) 1111.1. No coffee. I do have tap if you're thirsty.
(; IU ~C. Tap? 1\11 .1 .. Water.
(;ll l·:C. I'm fine, actually.
n ll..l " I could run out, if you like.
I'VA, I-Ie's fine.
1111.1.. They've got a machine at the welcome desk. 1.''vA ~lnd PAUL. He's fine!
( : H 1:,( :. I'm stunned. I '/\ I I I.. About the coffee?
I ,IU·:C: . About Ashcroft.
I'AUI.. Approval is a wonderful thing.
I'YA, Parricularly when it comes from a cabinet-level officer. I'{\\ II .. A lirrlc harder to hate a man who has a thing for you. Now : '011'1 ii, M I'. [(otis.
t .IU'.(:, I Ilever said I hated him. 1'A \
J
I.. Didn't you?\ :I{F( ;, And why are we talking about Urinetown? That show , Illwd
r
u
ur
years ago.I' VA, You do know why you're here, Mr. Kotis, don't you? :IU '.C; . I have an idea.
Ii,\!A, I r sounds like you don't.
{ :REG. No, I do have an idea. I'm just not sure if it's the right idea. I ~VI\. Far fetched?
(: It.i'~(;. The messages were a little scratchy.
HilL That's my cell phone. I was calling from my car. I'AUL. You called him on your cell phone?
BilL I did.
I'A UL. You were supposed to use a secure line. HII.I .. You didn't tell me to use a secure line.
1'/\\ II,. I most certainly did. The N.S.C., the Office of the Vice 1'lu idl.'lH, rhey monitor everything we do! Secure lines are a must! HII.I .. I agn:e, which is why it struck me as odd you didn't ask me
to use a secure line!
PAUL. Look, I shouldn't have to ask you to use a secure line in the
first place, you should know!
BILL. Ha! So you admit it, you didn't ask me to use a secure line,
you just assumed I would!
PAUL. I told you to use secure lines when I hired you!
EVA. STOP!!! We'll discuss this later. (To Greg.) We're talking
about Urinetown, Mr. Kotis, because Mr. Ashcroft is talking about
it. And he's talking about it a lot.
GREG. Well, that's a great honor.
BILL. You're God damned right it is! He's the God damned
Attorney
General-GREG. Retired Attorney General.
BILL. ATTORNEY General of the United States of America, one
of a handful of people who have been fighting a miserable war here
at home, and overseas, for the past eight years! And I, for one,
think he deserves a little more respect than what you've been will
ing ro dish Out since we contacted you!
EVA. Number Three?
BILL. Yes, boss?
EVA. No monologues. You can suppOrt me with short comments
here and there, but no monologues. BILL. Right, boss.
EVA. I mean, this is basic stuff, interrogation 101 stuff. I'm on
point, you guys fly tandem. BILL. Sorry about that, boss.
EVA. That guy who replaced Tom Ridge will not fuck me on this
thing! PAUL. Boss?
EVA. If he sent you as a way of fucking me, he will find in short
order that he is the one being fucked! He has his book deal, fine, Ashcroft will have this!
PAUL. The kid's new, boss. That's all. But I'm on him.
EVA. You better be. And I'm not your boss. He's your boss. I'm a
cross-departmental colleague. You're Homeland, I'm Justice. Got it? BILL. Yes, boss, I do.
EVA. Aspirin, please.
PAUL. Right, boss. (Paul takes out a bottle ofaspirin and tosses it to
Eva, who shakes out a handfuL and eats them. BilL ;prints to the bath
room and returns with a gLass
of
water. Eva drinks, 1'eturns the aspirin bottle to PauL, then talw a jew YOgl1 breaths to steady herself, the stress1
/ "
/(}/I.~ r/ay beginning to show.)I ,H 1'( ;. I )id I hear you mention Mark?
liVA. Mark?
I ,IU',l:. Ilo\lmann. My writing parmer.
I'Alii .. ( :(1I1 q)oscrllyricist on Urinetown.
I'VA Yl'.dl, 1 know who Mark Hollmann is.
( ,It I ( , I, hl' involved with this? I VA. Illv"lvcd with what?
.l{I.t:. Wllatcver it is that you guys are working on.
1I11 I.. (III. Ilc's involved, all right.
I'AI II , (~llitc ~igniftcanrly, ro tell you the truth.
I1II I. t)lllI l'
~
jg
nif-lcanrly
- indeed! (PauL and BiLL laugh sinisterLy)PVA Nlllllkr Three!
1\11 I II.' W:ISdoing it, roo.
IIVA (' ;'
(;rt
:
~
.)
Mr. Ashcroft was in Birmingham, Alabama, on I lrcv"III I" '1 ~Id. '2.()O~). Ring a bell?III' Jc\, I'>h'l 1I',dly.
I'AUI \ \\1t'llill),. lIi,',itt
ror
the national rouring production of; /11/,11"1/ 111 1\11 II ,II IlIll.IIll. As yotll' production crew may have told
~I
'''
.
1',)1 \ II" .d·,,, h.,\,,"·'I<·d to hc in Birmingham that nightil\' " ,IIII i' ,I IIII\lII , .i ~l·1
GiU
!
I
__
I'e
I I U~.ntU
..
I'p .."d, lit .eI dll' t Itlit c.: (\ Slates. Of America.f*
\
i
iiA
.
Will. MI. Ashcroft. The fundraiser rook place in a hotel i lllll" ,·II\II I.iy t\ ('X, 1 door 10 rhe theater. Due to circumstances we, ,II I
I
~
I
'
I
lIil ". MI. Ashcroft found it necessary to separate himself1111 111 lIt IT US.
I'VA 1'1 \( I k k,"
~ were
supposed to be forAida
-
the whole thing1\111 '.1 Ilw,·d lip, nOl by me, those people aren't with the Department
" '),"lltIC.
I'AIII.. I\y ('he time Mr. Ashcroft realized he was at the wrong
Cli Ow
il
W: IS 100 late.II II I , 1\)'" I)on't Be the Bunny" he was a fan.
1'[\ \) 1" ( :()llIpictely identified with the C1adwell character. I· V1\ , As we said, Mr. Kotis, the Attorney General loves musicals.
t ,IU".(;. Why did the retired Anorney General have to separate
1IIIIIsdr from POTUS?
IIILI" Suffice it ro say the Vice President, or
VPOTUS-l'All L :llld EVA. (Sharply, silencing him.) Number Three!
(
; n.
1',( ;. So VPOTUS forced Ashcroft out?EVA. So, here's the thing, Greg. May I call you Greg? GREG. Yes.
EVA. The thing is, Greg, Mr. Ashcroft, like everyone else in The Administration, is beginning to think about what he wants to do, you know, after.
PAUL. Typically, cabinet-level officers go into business, academia, that sort of thing.
EVA. But John isn't your ordinary cabinet officer. John is a man of rare ability, conviction, and talent.
BILL. Great voice. Good sense of humor.
EVA. He would really rather not do the whole Cheney thing. Dick's getting a lot of press for what he's doing in Uzbekistan these
days-BILL. Getting a lot of money, too.
EVA. Which is fine for him, but not for John. You see, it happens
:
!
I to be true that John has a really fine singing voice..
,
PAUL. Some say it's serviceable, but I think everyone knows it's a little more than serviceable.EVA. He has wonderful stage presence, a wonderful sense of
l'
.,i humor, anyone who's ever attended any of his speaking engage
'! . ments will tell you the same.
BILL. Did you happen to catch his address to the Heritage Foundation?
GREG. No, I missed that. BILL. Funny.
EVA. Look, I know he's never come across as particularly sympa thetic in press conferences, or in the press in general, but the truth is he really is funny.
PAUL. He's very funny. BILL. Unusually funny.
EVA. More importantly, there's no question about his vOICe. Number Three, do you have the CD?
BILL. I do. EVA. Put it on.
BILL. Right. (Bill loads the CD into the boombox.) Greg, what this is is an audio recording of John performing a song he wrote. By himself.
PAUL. Or with a friend. We can't get into the details right now, for reasons which will or will not become apparent to you, I'm sure. BILL. What's important is it's him. Oh, yeah. Phrasing, intention, interpretation, timbre - it's all John, right here on the CD.
18
,
I
1'1\ \ II , Iklicye it.
1\ tI I.. ')1' dOIl'I, it makes no difference to us.
I'AI JI .. 1\, II I:d Iy, I think it's critical that he
I
V
1\F
.n
joy lite song, don't enjoy the song, that's what makes no,
lil
!.""
I"
~
'
10 liS, What we do want you to do, however, is listen to1, )\1 VI '" l', ill!' qll:tliry of his voice, and imagine that voice - on a
Ilullldlllll)' I/I/,tll'. Now, people are often surprised to discover that
'P ill "I illI 'it
1
~
lyorilc
public figures have hidden talents.1'1\1JI.. {~I i lll()n wilh his saxophone.
11I1 I , Nix{lil willt his jump shot.
,I VA. Pllil ",1.,1\\
~\oillg
ro surprise you, I think, is the sheerexcel-II\II ' "I 1I 1~ \..1"111.
I'NJI I h 'f' I',nl a Iliel; belt, solid head voice, wonderful mix. And
I ,Itilll 1\l; <I I',iv(' YOIII' Officer Lockstock a real run for his money.
I
""
\l L
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iI'i'e
n, NIIOlberThree.
\\II II
~
,;,,1'"L,VA, { , I',. jil',t li"wll I()\' :l Illorncnr. (Bitt plays the CD. All listen')
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Iii '" ,11( \\ I,.I(\, It t: r(':tlly isn't.A I "pi I I kn()w It \.: \..:H
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lot of flack for being thisseem-IJ,' ' IIYlli ,bli, .dli<.. i'.d who hasll't Iried to hide his singing life, \-"" II!;., ', . II
tl
y
whyWl
"
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:lPI)I'():ldling you and Mark.I'
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"itl,.id"lt'd l,il" :\!·).!",ahly funny.E
VA
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I, IV, 1,1." ,1"I",
Ille olJ-lime song and dance.pJ\1
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fO
\'<1\."1. ,II tI,.' 1•.11111: lirm:, known to some in the New Yorkwlli< I, 11111)11 Ill'lp illoclilarc the A.G. i\ 11'Ii ,IH ,}, (.;~1I\.:i':11.
'
_
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I
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1{l lIl ed I\llol'lley General.I
~
\I
I V" II ,•.dly h,IYe (0 stop saying that."A
I
1\ I" 111\ I II\due scorn from left-leaning theater critics. I'VA,~
'" 1'
~
'I("'s
[he thing. John would very much like you to~
L
,-"
II
, .
i
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... n;;ning something for him to do. He can't beginiii" "" ,.,[11 11111 iI he leaves office, but he's a hard worker, he will com
I,ll Illy "I'I'[Yhimself to whatever you and Mark come up with.
1'1\111" "lohn Ashcroft: In Concert."
"-V
I\
.
11 \ heen a life long dream of his. And after everything he's,IIIII!' I"t' Ihis country over the past eight years, I don't see how any
lillI' , 01 tid eyer refuse him anything.
1'1\\ II.. I\.n unprecedented second career for an unprecedented
".,1
inn:\[ hero.t
N
1\. Cet me the treatments. (Bill retrieves the treatments') Now,",,"le of (hese might be up your alley and some might not. What's
19
\
\JlII'11dllill
1\
III IV;III(S a legitimate book ro back up the score. i' \I 1{ , AlIl llilingraphical, yes, but also with a strong narrative. 1111 i Alld fi'anIJy, with John's life, I don't know how it couldn't Il\tv,; .1 S( rong narrative.I ~VI\. He wants funny, he wants tuneful. It doesn't have to open
on Broadway but it should be able to get there. Now, we've tried
talking to your agent, we've tried contacting you directly, and
you've refused ro answer our entreaties. BILL. So here we are.
EVA. And we're going ro stay here until you answer our entreaties,
or it becomes clear that you will never answer our entreaties.
PAUL. But we think you will answer our entreaties. Because even
tually, Greg, everyone - and I mean everyone - answers our
entreaties.
GREG. And what if I don't answer your entreaties?
PAUL. Then you'll Eat the Taste.
GREG. Eat the Taste?
BILL. Yeah, you'll eat it. Something tells me you'll be eating a lot
of taste before the day is out.
PAUL. Go liquid on your ass.
EVA. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I hope we don't
come to it, I truly don't. But if we do, then my friends here are
absolutely right. You will most certainly Eat the Taste. (At the door we
hear a set ofknocks. Everyone feezes. Eva, BiLL, and PauL immediately puLL their guns.) I thought the manager was supposed ro call up.
BILL. He was. I tOld him ro. (Another set ofknocks.)
EVA. Get the door, I'll watch him.
PAUL. Right. (Eva trains her gun on Greg while PauL and BiLL move
into position by the door.)
EVA. Into the bathroom.
GREG. What's happening?
EVA. Just a precaution, Mr. Kotis. These operations get compro
mised from time to time. Now move. (Eva backs herself and Greg
into the bathroom and closes the door. PauL turns out the Lights. The door opens. Matthew stands famed in the doorway, now Lit fom behind by the haLL Light. He takes aJew steps into the room.)
MATTHEW Hello? Anyone home? (PauL steps behind Matthew
and places his gun to Matthew's head. Matthew feezes.)
PAUL. Place your hands above your head, please. (Matthew does
so. BilL closes the door, bLacking out the room again.) Now, if you
would, please sit yourself down, very slowly, very carefully, while at
20
11K S.llIl\'
lilll
~
.
It
c.;c.;
I,ing
your hands placed firmly on your head.MA'ITIII:W. You want me co sit down?
1'/\\ 11 .. II YOII wlluld.
M /\' I''1'1 II :W. I .. , 11m .. , I can't see.
1'/\ t II .. NIH' '\l<'r Three, if you would, please turn the lights back on. 1111.1.
IZi!
~
lll.
(In the dark, we hear BilL stumbLing painfuLly through111(' 1'1111/11, n:)ling to find the Light.)
1'1\\ II .. hnd rhe door ro the hallway, open the door, and with the
light rrom the hallway, find the light switch and turn it on.
nll ,L. Right. (Again, we hear BilL stumbLing through the room until
Il c' finally gets to the doorway and opens it. More silence.)
\'1\ UL. (With growing irritation') It's juSt ro the left of the door.
n
I( ,I.. As you face the door or as you face the room?P/\UL.. As you face the door!!
1\ ILL. Right. (BiLL turns on the Light, closes the door, then moves
IlI/lImii.ateLy into position behind Matthew, also placing his gun to the
IIJI/ /'· fI(,Matthew's head.)
/'1\\..)1',. Now, if you would, very slowly, let's all move ro the chair, )'illl •. :111 sit down, and we can have a nice little chat. Okay?
MATrHEW. You bet.
1'1\ \ IL. () ll my mark - ready? - Mark. (SLowly, carefuLLy, aLL three
mll/' }" I/fllr/rm toward the tabLe. Matthew sits. PauL holsters his gun,
//i/f
A
'
PI
l'
.
1
hi" trained on Matthew') You with Cheney's boys? f\ \I\' I"I'J IFW. Cheney's boys?l'At II.. Thac's right, O.Y.P.
I \ 11 .1.. t )ffice of the Vice President.
1'/\{ I\.. None roo happy about our little operation.
M AI'Tl
lEW.
Me?1111.1.. Cheney.
\,AUL.
Says it's conduct unbecoming a cabinet member.lSi LL. As if what he's doing in Uzbekistan isn't.
\'AUI
..
Says cabinet members shouldn't be caught singing in public. 1\ 11.1.. Whe.;n the rru th is he has no particular talents of his own. \'i\U
l..So
lie.; c,1l1'r abide others sharing theirs,1-\ I 1.1 .. Is I hal your linc, Mr. O .y.P.?
MAI"I'lIFW.
Me?!I\II.\" Th:ll\ righi, YOll. l'i\UI .. i\tJ,,,iIlSI sillgillg?
nil
L III pll\llic? 1'/\\ JI .. hH Il\OlLCY~M/\TTIII'",W. No! I .. . urn ... I'm Matthew Rego. 21
Ii /1
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PAUL. Rego?
BILL. You with State?
MATTHEW No.
PAUL. N.S.C.?
BILL. D.O.D.?
PAUL. O.M.B.?
MATTHEW I'm with the Araca Group. I was one of the produc
ers of Urinetown. I was [Qld to Come [Q this address.
PAUL. You're a producer?
MATTHEW Thaes righL This is where the John Ashcroft meet
ing is taking place, isn't it?
PAUL. Maybe it is and maybe it isn'L
MATTHEW You know, the guy gave me a password to use in case something like this happened. Yellow something, Yellow S[Qne ... yellow [ail ...
BILL. Yellow cake?
MATTHEW Yeah, thaes iL (Eva bursts out of the bathroom. She
:1
crosses to greet Matthew.)"
EVA. Mr. Rego, I am so very, very sony. Please accept my apolo
!/
1
gy for all this strong-arm swffMATTHEW Agent ... Twenty?
EVA. Thaes me. I'm the who's been sending you the faxes. MATTHEW I've enjoyed receiving them.
EVA. And thank you so much for making the trip Out here. I
know this shouldn't have to be pan of the producer's job.
MATTHEW Everything is the producer's job.
EVA. Well, Mr. Ashcroft is so pleased to be in the hands of Some real Broadway producers.
MATTHEW That's who you need ifyou want [Q get to Broadway.
EVA. It doesn't have to start on Broadway, of Course, but it has [Q
be able to get there.
BILL. Anything I can get you, Mr. Rego? Water? Tea?
MATTHEW Sparkling water would be great. (Throughout the fol
lowing, Bill looks for sparkling water, finds none, gets Eva's glass, fills
it with tap, and shakes it to create bubbles.) So, I understand you still
need a book writer. I
II
/
!
EVA. That we do. Greg's still having some trouble trusting us, so wethought it might be helpful to hear a non-governmental perspective.
MATTHEW Non-governmental perspectives can be good.
EVA. Speaking of which, how are things on your end? MATTHEW I had a great conversation with Our press rep.
:1
/
-
'
22I' VA ()II
1v11\ 1 IIII 'W VI'I)' ex( ·II~'d. /\11<1 I'J like [Q discuss direc[Qrs with \'tlil \I II . II \ till Il.l v( ' .1 ,-1 1.1111 (',
I,V/\ \'''1' ,III ,I"" 11'\ 111.11 witil Mr. AshcrofL He has final approval
till ,.II ,It ,1111'1 1I1.!1 1,'I'"
{\II\ I IIII'W, I'llI<', 111111 110 ;lhOVC-lhc-litle billing. (Matthew
',/11.1'/;' , tI,I'
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,11111'/, ) I,il til' jol\L I'A\ II , '1'(1\1 '>111(' Ihis is Ihe gtly, hoss?MA I I'III ':W. I l ';111 show YO LI Illy 1.0. if you like.
I' VA. '1'1.:11 WOII'I ht: nccessary, I recognize you from your file.
M;\' ITIIFW. My file? (Bill offers Matthew the milky water.)
IIILI . '-\p:trklillg ... water?
t\ IA'1 I'III ':W. Oh. You know what, I'm fine, actually,
1111 I.. I \ III dd rLin out for something else if you like.
I'Al ll ,llId I 'VA. He's fine!
I·VA . 1\1111 :lJl,a in, so sorry about the guns [Q the head. We were
"l'I III'I\'c!III 1',CI :1 warning call from the manager once you arrived
t\ IA I I III:W. The manager?
I' \ 111 Illc 111.111 at rhe front desk. 1\ I \ I I III , \XI Thl' ('ront desk was empty.
I \ \ '", I'tlw'd you know [Q come to this room?
1I1I I I , .,jl('ci il ill 10 him when I got the room number from the
I i ' II II'-' I
,
\0.
,I 1,f(·L't\lItion.I \ 111 A I'rt·(.lIllioll for what?
I 1\ 1 1\ lil t' • . 1111 ion for this.
1',\111 ,. YOII (:dlcd him from the welcome desk?
1111 I .. h '(1I1I my car.
I'At II Ag,lill with the cell phone?!
I \ II I , I·!tal was before you told me not to use it! I 'A lll.. I wId you never [Q use it!
I \ II I.. Hey! If it weren't for my cell phones,
Mr.
Rego would stillI... exposing himself at the welcome desk!
MATTI II ,',\.'(!. hposing myself?
I:VA. I,'.N( H lell!!! Number Three, give me your cell phone. 1\ II L 1\111, hos~
I''VA. (;IVI'~ IT!!! (/lill
hftnriS
his cell phone over to Eva, muttering I'il/o/')' /II/flt'!' I,i, 1m',,;!!'}II II I.. I d01l'1 know why you get to tell us what [Q do all the time
jllS! h('( ;I II S\: YOII work t()r [he Justice Department.
I'VA. Y<)u hClln gel your act together, Number Three, or this act will gel IOI',I'lhn Oil you!
Mr.
Ashcroft will have his show! He willrecapture the heart of America through song! He will, with your
help, take his proper place in the pantheon of American heroes _
DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?!
BILL. Yes, boss.
EVA. Check it out.
PAUL. Right. (Paul rushes out.)
EVA. Again, apologies.
MATTHEW No need.
EVA. It's like putting on a show, I imagine. You plan, you rehearse,
you send Out press releases, although we don't send OUt press releases,
and then it's opening night, although Our opening night is also our closing night.
MATTHEW I've had my share of those.
EVA. Yes, I know. As I said, I've read your file.
MATTHEW Right.
So,
do you have him in another room?EVA. Another room?
MATTHEW Greg. You do want me to talk to him, don't you?
(Eva spins around, realizing she's left Greg in the bathroom.)
EVA. Oh, shit. (Bill races into the bathroom. Wf hear the sounds of a tussle.)
GREG. (Ojfitage.) Nnoooo!
BILL. (Ojfitage.) Okay, now! GREG. (Ojfitage.) Let me go!
BILL. (Ojfitage.) Easy does it, let's JUSt come down from there! GREG. (Ojfitage.) I won't tell anybody about this! I promise! (Greg
Comes careening out ofthe bathroom, followed by BilL)
BILL. Your safety is our number one priority, Mr. Kotis.
So
,
ifyouwant to promise me something, promise me you won't tly hopping the gate again. (Bill throws Greg back onto the bed)
EVA. Nice save.
BILL. He was trying to pry the window with his chin.
GREG. I just want to go home. BILL. As do we all.
EVA. Mr. Rego, you know Greg, I believe.
MATTHEW Of course I know Greg. Hi, Greg.
GREG. Matthew.
EVA. As I said, Greg's been having a little trouble trusting us. But seeing that you're a producer, we were thinking you might have more luck.
MATTHEW Well, as they say, no one truSts a producer like a
playwright. (Paul returns')
24
PAUL. Manager flew the coop. EVA. You sure?
PAUL. Checked everywhere.
IHLL. Cheney's boys probably lifted him.
I'A UL. His car's gone. If they lifted him, they lifted his car, too.
1:'vA. Unlikely. Besides, we would have heard from the OVP. by
IIOW if they had.
PAUL. Wishful thinking, boss. I say we abort. I·,VA. Aspirin.
I'AUL. Right. (They repeat the aspirin routine. Eva chews thought
i
It//y.
FinaLly:)I·VA. No, we stay in formation. Number Three, call the manager.
''' 'lIoke him out about Cheney, then tell him to get back here ASAP
(" we'll have the IRS audit him back to the Stone Age.
1'/\ LJ
L.
There's a pay phone on the corner. Use it.I VA. And pick up some refreshments on the way. We may need I. II <..:shing before the night is out. (BiLL exits') Number Seventy
Iw, I, you watch these two. I'm going to give the grounds another
w.dlt-tllrough, see what I can see.
1',\1 II .. Right.
I \'1\ . And Mr. Rego?
f\ IX ITIIEW. Yes?
I \ \ (;"od luck. (Eva exits. PauL settLes at the tabLe to keep watch
'
,/\ .I',nges.)
"
I \
I II IC
w
Mark says hello.'_,1:1.',;, You've been talking to Mark?
t\ 1,\ I 1'1 LEW. Of course, I've been talking to Mark. He's signed off
.,,, iiII.', thing.
, ,I: I·.{;. \)0 you know what they mean by "Eat the Taste"?
t-. I/\I THEW "Eat the Taste"?
',I\I :,C . Yeah, they've said it a couple of times.
~ I A 1 "1'1 lEW. I've never heard that expression before in my life. I'/\l II .. Originally, it meanr ro accept a position you used to reject. II ,'"'llI:,, from :111 old Vikill )l, t:xprcssion, or Native American, one ..I Ihe lWo. "'Ii, drink til(' wirH' ('1'0111 yom enemy's goblet." Reagan
I )~'IlI"a.lIS, II1I'y illi .11,' til(' 1:1.'1C. Christopher Hitchens. And on
Iii,· olliel sidl', 1\li,IIII!:1 Illdlingtoli. J3ut mosdy, it's been on our
,.ide. Alld il'S .1 hL·.lll1illillhillg. 'Il) think [hat a person can change,
1.11' :lsid,· .. 1.1 I'lI'jlldi(("',.;, ()Id labels, and embrace a new way of
tllinklllf" '1jIIll"ol'ri.ll<· /()r l!eW times.
PAUL. Fine, then it must be Viking. Or something. "Eat off your
enemy's plate." Taste his food, see the world through his eyes.
GREG. That's what it used to mean?
PAUL. That's where the expression comes from. GREG. So, what does it mean now?
MATTHEW Aren't I supposed to be giving this pitch?
PAUL. Sorry.
MATTHEW No offense, but working with talent can be tricky. You do your thing, let me do mine. (Paul fo.lls silent.)
GREG. Sorry to hear about Wicked closing.
MATTHEW It's not closed yet. Anyway, five years is a good run.
GREG . Would have been longer i f -
MATTHEW Yeah, well, Urinetown had the same problem. Look,
Greg, we're not here to talk about Wicked, now are we?
GREG. They want us to write a one-man show for the retired
Attorney General, Matthew.
PAUL. ATTORNEY General.
GREG. Why do they keep saying that?
MATTHEW Keep saying what?
GREG. Abour Ashcroft.
MATTHEW (To PauL) You mean he doesn't. .. ? (To Greg.) Things
aren't always as they seem, Greg.
GREG. So I'm beginning to realize.
MATTHEW Look, Ashcroft never retired. Cheney wanted him
out. But Bush, as usual, couldn't make up his mind. So they moved
him behind the scenes.
GREG. Ashcroft is still Attorney General?
MATTHEW Yes! But now that he's really retiring, they want to restore his image - through you.
GREG. Through a one-man show?
MATTHEW Nothing like a one-man show to restore someone's
Image.
GREG. Sounds like a big job.
PAUL. A lucrative job.
MATTHEW Craver wil1 get you an A.P.c., you'l1 make money before you even put pen to paper.
GREG. I'm not thinking about the money right now.
MATTHEW You're not? You should.
GREG. It's juSt .. . (Greg looks at Paul, uncertain.)
PAUL. I'm not even here. Total producer/playwright confidentiality.
(Pause.) .
26
(;!{I;,C: II '.. JIII,I Ih;! l I srill feel vaguely skeptical about this admin
1',1",11",), I ,l'lil'! 1(!I(lW how to write a show for this guy without
I" ilil" "" I\II,·lv n ili, al.
r..'1 A I I'll FW, So hc vaguely critical! That's why he wants you, he's
1',111 " 1'1,'011 \l'IlM' 01 JIlJJ;1Or about himself (;Itl l , Ill· dllc~.
1\ 1
A
I II II ', \XI. I)id you catch his address to the Heritage Foundation?: i (,Ii ( , Nil, I Illiss..:d that.
tvlA I I'III:W. hll1ny.
(,R I'(" I tllIlIlglll rhey wanted, like, a propaganda thing.
r-v 1i\ 11111;,W.
A
propaganda thing?(.It l;( :,
Y'
lil
kII ow, upbeat, triumphalist."'IA I l 'III~w' II doesn't have to be triumphalist.
r
:
l
l
\il
:
.
II do('sn't?r.,
t
i\
I 1'1 rl ',W. And so what if it is triumphalist?! Name me one 'III, '" iI i ',1" '101' I hat isn't triumphalist! And besides, your father"Ii , ,I IIlI
"I" (
)flict.: of War Information during World War Two!i""I' '1\.1 II ,
Ld
I ii lllllphalist! Do you think he had any crises of con, " ," ~ w",1I1I',', 01\ rhe "Why We Fight" series?!
J ,I! I t . 1111', i ',II'1 World War Two.
~ 1 \ J;-I I II W. II Sort of is.
[ ,Ii I [ . I; '")' Kushner says that's the wrong metaphor. Tony
1
,
,, 1,,
"
I • IY" I ,(;banon is the proper metaphor.~'i l \ I I 1 II ',W. I )oJ1't listen to Tony Kushner! He's a playwright, for
ill
1\"" ·.,tit\' , what the hell does he know?! (Pause.) Sorry, I didn'tII I'
,i,
tll.ll,, . I~ I' \ , I jllsl don't think it's a good match.
1\ 11\ I 1'1II ~W, Why, because you're liberal, and liberals are sup
1'1)'" d II) 11:11'(,; everyone and everything connected with the
\, II "lld~, r~ll ion?! ( ,IU\;, NOl hare!
" IA'I 'T III ;.W Ob, no?! Then what?!
',I'i. I~l!, 1",kill', know! Maybe it goes back to the lead-up to the war.
~ IAI '1'1 Il i,W Which w,lr?
I ,ltF,<:. I i111111j.\11l Ihey w..:re all the same war.
MA'ITIIFW. Irail? I ,IU ,~ ( :, N",
MAI"III Ii,W ,"iyria?
I : l'i. I:( ;, N o, tllC Ii I'sr one. 1\I1 i\'I "I'11 FW. AI~h;\I1i.~r<1n?
:IU~t; . Nil, Ihe olh..:!' first one.
MATTHEW The Gulf War?
GREG. No! The second first one. Or the first second one.
MATTHEW Oh, you're talking about 2003.
GREG. Right.
WlATTHEW The Iraq War. It always comes back to the lead-up
to the Iraq War with you people.
GREG. Don't say "you people." I didn't oppose it, exactly. MATTHEW You didn't support it either.
GREG. I didn't know what to do! I mean, after
9111
I
thought thething to do was to suppOrt, you know, whatever! Why would the
President lie to us?!
MATTHEW I suppose you thought Clinton didn't have sex with "that woman" either.
GREG. No! I didn't!
MATTHEW So you felt lied to.
GREG. Yes!
MATTHEW By Clinton. GREG. By Bush!
MATTHEW. Would you write a show about Clinton? GREG. Absolutely!
MATTHEW But not about Bush?
GREG. No, I don't think so.
MATTHEW Well, that's good, because we're not asking you to write a show about Bush.
PAUL. David Brooks used to write about this, actually, in his col umn. Hereditary partisan sympathies handed down father to son, mother to daughter, detached from personal or national interest. Two great political camps locked in perpetual electOral combat, the House of Bush versus the House of Anti-Bush. Bush's foreign pol icy, it can be argued, is more Kennedy idealism than Nixon real
ism. So why do liberals hate Bush for being like Kennedy?
Everybody loves Kennedy.
MATTHEW Can you guard us from outside?
PAUL. Pardon?
MATTHEW You want me to flip him or not?
PAUL. The detainee tried to escape via the bathroom.
MATTHEW The detainee isn't going anywhere.
PAUL. I have my instructions.
MATTHEW Tell you what, ifI flip him before Agent Twenty gets back I'll give you all the credit.
PAUL. If the show goes to production, I want to assistant direct.
28
1\ I A I I I II W I}, ""'. (!'t"d shuts the bathroom door.)
I'M II I'lm
~
I
,
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"
. ., 1111(. (f'aul opens the door to exit.) I'll be right1l11.u l, t /1, ,\//1.)
t\ 1J\ I 1111 W W, II.IlI .1 Illeering with one of Agent Twenty's higher
1I\1, ,11I
1. 11IH ,I",,' Iii Asllcroft. They're talking about a twenty mil
I,"l, Ih.11
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• '1,",tll'I.lliol\. It'll be the most expensive one-man show \' I PII I"ItI",
I ""
Illo;ldw:1Y.(JIl l I, Iw. 11 1\' IIlillioll?
~
I \ I I \ ,II W illiy'
v,
'
gOI'a
considerable war chest. A lot of money! " I,I ' II
I
t
,
.111 11j\ .11 til lilt! WashingtOn these past few years, you know.\ .
1
1
I, I )'1 I ii, I'l
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.1I1Y idea how much a one-man show should'
I , _~
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die heauty of it, they're completely out of their,I. I.it.- N I II,. \ L1\, ,w is they want to give it that Urinetown edgy
Itilq II j
\~
I II 1\" I tilL' protester crowd, whatever. We suggested fifI • II
'
1\
~
1\
;,
,
"
1lIll"tly III discourage them, but they said yes. So we,iii II " l id I I IV' 'II ty million. They said yes again! It's crazy, right?!
I,~ IU I, II"w .tlIIHlt Iwenty-five?
t.. 1
A
IIT
\I \\ (III. t his show is going to cost a lot more than,
ii i)'
ii
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1I1t11\1I1I! We've been looking into new office space, newI!dl!l
l
l\
;~
~
AlII\. look, the country is ready for this. We've been.
h
1!il
l'J ' 1,.11 i" " 'l'lc arc ready to stop being so serious all the time,l
jJ'l lUdl lo l1 ,\·.11. lurl!
t:llEi.;. 1,1\111', kllOw, Matthew. 1\1" 1 1"1
\I
·
W
,
WII;lI'S not to know?!I
II I I. I I' I~I dllll'\, think it's for me.tv!
\
I I IIr
W.
Why not?!I
,;
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make your heart be in it!! 1. 1'1 '\, It docsII't work that way.1,' 1 tlll' W. SO MAKE IT FUCKING WORK THAT WAY!
nut/I'//l'l /l ill. :<,/111 r.lmum.) We're fine, fine, just part of the process.
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( dU. t I 1'11.1( \ ""III'\'(' Wid-I'd is playing.
tv1A t I II liW. jlLII the lIl'xlkw months. They're talking about tear
ing it down to make way for a new Bank of America building. GREG. That's why you're closing?
MATTHEW That's why we might be closing.
GREG. But that's what happened t o
-MATTHEW That's right, Greg, that's what happened to Urinetown.
You see, we've been through this before, which is why you need to
play ball now.
GREG. They can't just tear down a building to pressure you into doing something.
MATTHEW Oh no?! They all know each other, you see!
Ashcroft, the Bank of America, city zoning officials! Ashcroft was pushing for this in 2003 when things looked like they were head
ing south for Bush, so he started putting heat on us ro create a proj
ect for him. We called his bluff, so he tore the theater down.
GREG. I never knew anything about that.
MATTHEW Oh, yeah. Buildings mean nothing to him. Power, that's what he understands. The power of theater!
GREG. So, Avenue
Q
beat out Wicked for best musical becauseMATTHEW Oh yeah, Greg, that's right. More payback from the
Attorney General. 1 knew the Tonys were political, I just never real ized how political.
GREG. You talk to your lawyers?
MATTHEW. LAWYERS?! We have auditors coming around! Do you have any idea what an audit means to a commercial theatrical
operation?! We have lawsuits! We are under criminal investigation
for narco-terrorism! And it all goes away if we give him what he wants! Get it?!
GREG.
Matthew-MATTHEW Don't you fucking "Matthew" me! This isn't just about you, Greg! It's about our country, so make your heart be in it! We're getting a new office, see, so make your fucking heart be in it!!!
(Matthew grabs Greg. Eva, Paul, and Bill rush in, guns drawn.) You
want to be finished?! You want to be Ethel Rosenberg, or whoever the fuck?! You want to be Michael Moore, sweating it out in a cage in GITMO?! I don't! So do what they say! (The three level their guns.)
EVA. All right, Mr. Rego, that's enough. BILL. Hands off, please.
MATTHEW Right. Of course. PAUL. Hands up.
MATTHEW Okay.
BILL. Now, step away from the playwright. (He does so.)
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I'd I I I" ", dl,·d hil ,!. I!!<I ' I "" 1'1,,11\ ' II',I'l. 1'1\ \ 11., r 1.,llllI,I'III1' I VA 1'1\1 I" ',!I IiII '."1, 1111 I" I "" '"1\(11 I WI\', 0\1 Ihe manager. I
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BILL. I left a message!
EVA. Had a nice little conversation.
PAUL. You use the audit line?
EVA. Threatened his family with deportation. BILL. They're illegal aliens?
EVA. Irish, came here in the 1840s. But since they can't produce paperwork confirming legal immigration, it's a credible threat. Ar least according to ,Patriot IV
BILL and PAUL. Nice work.
PAUL. I still say we abort, boss.
EVA. Aspirin! (Paul fishes in his pockets for the aspirin, the bottle is empty.)
PAUL. All out, Boss. (Eva winces at this news, then steadies herself)
EVA. We stay in formation. Secure the door. (Paul and Bill into
position.)
BILL. Remind me to get him to sign my CD.
PAUL. The manager?
BILL. Hollmann.
PAUL. Don't do that.
BILL. Why not?
PAUL. Composers don't like that sort of thing.
BILL. Sure they do.
PAUL. Ever try to get Sondheim's autograph?
BILL. I did get Sondheim's autograph.
PAUL. You did not.
BILL. Yes I did.
PAUL. In person? (There's a knock at the door, Paul opens it a crack.
We hear a voice.)
MARK. (Offitage.) Hello. Is this where the John Ashctoft meeting
is taking place?
PAUL. Might be.
MARK. (Offitage.) Oh, okay. I'm Mark Hollmann, I was sent here
by the manager.
PAUL. Is that so?
MARK. (Offitage.) Yes. And there's a box of refreshments outside,
PAUL. We're aware of the situation with the refreshments.
MARK. (Offitage.) I'm terribly sorry, this was explained to me by
Agent Twenty. Urn ... yellow something. Yellow belly ... yellow
peril ... yellow fever, ..
BILL. Yellow cake?
MARK. Yeah, that's it. (Paul opens the door for Mark.)
!',\ Ijl" I\!i' lltdllll,lIll1. ii's ;111 honor to meet you. (Mark enters; he j,,! "
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I II (11\ VP\', (liil/l'l'ls the keyboard up for Mark.)
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1'" 1,11, 1 l 'II Il'(' , !Z\;ctl pleasure to meet you.
\\(1 \ 11' ( "i VilliI' work.
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MARK. It's going pretty well.
EVA. Greg's got some catching up to do, I imagine.
PAUL. Both creatively and politically.
MARK. This isn't how we collaborate, usually, but I'm sure we'll
figure it out.
EVA. Mr. Ashcroft had some wonderful things to say about you.
MARK. Oh?
EVA. Really enjoyed your lunches together.
MARK. It was fun going to the Justice Department. I've never
been there before. PAUL. Few have.
BILL. As guests.
EVA. Enjoy the tour?
MARK. Very much.
EVA. He was also thrilled to see you at his address to the Heritage
Foundation.
MARK. It was a thrill to hear him speak. Did you happen to catch
it, Greg? John's address to the Heritage Foundation?
GREG. No. I missed that. Funny?
MARK. It was pretty funny.
EVA. John told us you were pre-law for a while as an undergrad at
the University of Chicago.
MARK. I considered law.
PAUL. And John went to law school there.
BILL. Small world.
EVA. He also told us you're from around St. Louis.
MARK. On the Illinois side.
PAUL. And John's from Missouri.
BILL.
Very
small world.PAUL. You see there, Greg. Adults can meet to talk about theater
regardless of party affiliation.
MARK. Or lack thereof, in my case.
EVA. So, as I explained in my faxes, Mr. Ashcroft is determined to
keep you guys together on this thing. We've been working on your
partner, trying to put the worm on the hook, but there really is no
substitute for actually hearing the music. So, we were hoping to
jump right in, playa little bit and see what happens.
MARK. I think that's a great idea. (Mark moves to the keyboard. Bill
takes out a handheld tape recorder.)
BILL. Would anyone mind if I taped this? All the best cast albums
have tracks of the creative team presenting material. I think we'll be
34
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(l'IllIlillul /liII Jllllrt· II short, quietsinisterlaugh.
"i"YIIII',I'llill):, l(l know John.
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(('mil retrieves the box ofrefreshments )11 '11111 illt:lgin!.: a dark stage. Then a single light.ill Illp oj'John, vt:ry shadowy, foreboding, and
, !,!iillil • You'vc ;ICI !wHy written something for this
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:, I 1" "
