Text Your Ex Back

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Text Your Ex Back: A

Step-by-Step Guide and

Implementation Manual

Michael Fiore

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Copyright 2011 c by Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction and distribution in any way, shape, or form is forbidden. No part of this manual or its accompanying audio and/or video material shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any other means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy-ing, recording or otherwise without prior written permission from the author. If you have questions, email [email protected].

Copyrighted materials cited in this course are reproduced here for edu-cational purposes only under fair use provisions of U.S. Copyright law. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative in-formation with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting or other professional advice. If legal advice or other profes-sional assistance is required, the services of a competent profesprofes-sional should be sought. Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. individu-ally or corporately, do not accept any responsibility for any liabilities

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CONTENTS

Introduction

(a.k.a. why this guide exists and how

it’s going to help you)

OK, deep breath.

If you’re reading this guide, you’re probably hurting right now. Heck, you probably feel like your heart got ripped out and stomped on, and that the pain you’re feeling will never go away.

The good news is that I’m here to help. In this program I’m going to lay out a step-by-step process that will show you how to use simple text messages from your cell phone to rekindle the romance with your ex, open him or her up to the idea of being with you again, and get things off on the right foot as you start dating each other.

Am I GUARANTEEING that you’ll be able to get your ex back using this guide? Nope. It’s totally possible that after reading through this ma-terial and starting to put it into action you’ll decide you don’t WANT to be with your ex anymore, and that the sneaky tricks and relationship hacks I teach you here will be better used with someone else in the future.

But what I WILL guarantee is that after you go through this train-ing you’ll have a much deeper understandtrain-ing of why your relationship ended, how the romantic and sexual mind of your ex actually works, and

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INTRODUCTION

of by “tuning” the way you think about love, sex, and romance, all while tapping out a few simple messages with your thumbs.

Sounds whacky, I know. But you’re going to be blown away when you see how well it works.

Who The Heck Am I And Why Should You

Listen To Me?

My name is Michael Fiore (you can call me Mike), and for the last cou-ple of years I’ve been carving out a weird little niche celebrity teaching average people just like you to use text messages and other modern technology to improve their relationships. (I also teach stuff that has nothing to do with texting, but the “push button” nature of texting is so cool that I can’t stop talking about it.)

Who This Course Is For (And Who It’s

Not For)

Just to spell this out . . .

This course is for you if you legitimately miss and appreciate your ex, feel like you’ve got a real connection, and feel like the reasons you broke up are things you can resolve, accept, or move past.

This course is not for you if . . . well, let’s just be blunt about this . . . This course isn’t for you if the only reason you want your ex back is for your own vanity and ego.

As you go through this material you’ll figure out that some of what I teach you is pretty manipulative. I use a lot of human psychology to re-awaken your ex’s attraction and help him or her “decide” they want to give you another shot. It’s powerful stuff, and I want you to use it for good.

If you want to use it for evil, I’d really prefer you delete this guide from your hard drive and we not have anything to do with each other again. If you’re abusive (emotionally or physically), a serial cheater who can’t be honest (if you want to sleep with multiple people, own up to it), or, well, an asshole . . . I’d rather you go the hell away and leave your ex in peace.

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INTRODUCTION

If your ex was abusive, either emotionally or physically, that’s also a different story. In that case you should NOT be trying to get back to-gether with them in any way, and you should find a qualified counselor or therapist to help you put the pieces of your self esteem back together properly. I’m totally serious here.

Got it?

OK, let’s move on . . .

Sit back and read through this WHOLE thing (I worked hard to keep it as short and action-focused as possible) before you start to work the program.

This will take some time. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no “magic bullet” here. There’s no one text that I can give you that will change your ex’s mind in ten minutes and have you back in romantic la-la land.

But if you go through this program and do what it says, you’ll learn a ton. You will come to terms with your own emotions around your ex, and you will have a REALLY good shot at getting the romance and connection you miss back in your life.

I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with this material. If you have a testimonial, a question, or suggestions for something else you’d like to see in the Text Your Ex Back program, shoot an email to [email protected].

Congratulations on making the decision to invest in this program and in your relationship. I can’t wait to hear about your results.

Yours,

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THE MAGIC OF TEXTING

The Magic of Texting (The

Secret Path To Your Ex’s

Subconscious Mind)

First things first.

When you heard “Text Your Ex Back,” you probably guffawed a little bit, or choked on your soup, and said “yeah, right. I’ve tried EVERYTHING to get my ex back already. How can TEXT MESSAGES do the trick?” But the fact is that these days TEXTING is the most direct and personal method we have for intimately communicating with each other.

Your average teenager sends 300 or more texts PER DAY (and has giant, swollen thumbs that can crush an average man’s skull). Even adults say that their actual “talking time” on the phone has radically declined since unlimited texting became standard on mobile plans. Most people these days are ADDICTED to their cell phones, trust their phones more than they trust their friends, and would rather bathe in battery acid than go through a week (or a day . . . or 20 minutes) without being able to check their mobile.

Since your ex likely suffers a horrible panic attack if she or he leaves the house without their cell phone, they open up a huge window for you to seduce them back into your life, one text at a time.

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Why Is Texting So Effective At

Helping You Get Your Ex Back?

Bullet point time . . .

• Texting is PRIVATE and INTIMATE. As I teach in my Text the

Romance Back (www.texttheromanceback.com) and Text Your Wife

into Bed (www.textyourwifeintobed.com) programs, texting is the perfect way to create a private and intimate world between you and the man or woman in your life. For women in particular, texting can end up being a fun “game” where they can do or say anything (even things they would NEVER do in the “real” world).

• Texting is NONCONFRONTATIONAL. Odds are your relationship ended on a heated note. I don’t know WHY you and your ex broke up, but there was probably at least one (if not a few dozen) big fights. Done properly (the way I’m going to teach you), texting is simple and subtle. You can slowly feed your ex tested and proven messages and ideas without the risk of either one of you flying off the handle, falling back into old and destructive patterns, or throwing plates at each other.

• Texting lets you build intimacy, attraction, and desire ON YOUR

OWN TIME and by “remote control.” You and your ex are both

busy people (especially if you have careers, dogs, kids, video game addictions . . . you know, important stuff to deal with). With tex-ting, you can reestablish attraction and create your new relation-ship on your own time frame. (And you are creating a NEW rela-tionship. I’ll talk about that more in a bit.)

• Texting lets you CONTROL THE TONE and establish what kind

of conversation you want to have. This is probably the most

important part. With texting, you can STOP and THINK about what you want to say to your ex at each step of the way. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can take your time, figure out the right thing to say (I’ll give you most of it), and be strategic with your ex without saying something that you’ll regret.

Remember, we’re taking Baby Steps here.

Your goal isn’t to have “one more night” with your ex, or to trick your ex into getting back with you only to have the whole thing blow up in your face again because nothing has changed and you still have the same problems and arguments as before. Your goal is to slowly wear

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or she may have to getting back together with you, remind them of the profound attraction that brought you together in the first place, and forge a powerful new base for your relationship . . . all at the push of a few buttons. It takes some time, but the results are VERY worth it. Let’s get cranking.

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

Before You Text: Why Did

You Break Up And What’s

Your Ultimate Goal?

Before you start laying the groundwork for getting your ex BACK, you need to do a little prep to make sure you really understand why you broke up in the first place and what you’re ultimately trying to accom-plish.

FILL THIS SECTION OUT AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE. We’ll use the material later.

It’s important that you’re as honest as possible here. If you lie to yourself about why you and your ex broke up, what the “deal-breakers” in your relationship were, or what your real goals are in getting back together, then you’re going to be VERY disappointed when you pull the trigger and send your first couple of texts.

OK?

In this section we’ll talk about why you and your ex broke up and what the “conversation” in your ex’s mind is about you. You will get the “fuel” you need to put your plan into action, using simple text messages to seduce her or him back into your life, and ideally have them think it was their own idea.

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

We’ll also cover some important CORE CONCEPTS and INNER GAME stuff that will make the whole “Text Your Ex Back” process go much, much smoother.

Why Did You And Your Ex Really

Break Up?

Let’s play a little “choose your own adventure” here. Pick the option that fits your relationship, read through it, and then do the exercise at the end of the section.

Option 1: Your Ex Broke Up With You.

Ah, you got dumped. Sorry to hear it, but all is not lost.

The first thing is to figure out WHY your ex broke up with you. I don’t mean the reason they SAY they broke up with you, but the actual rea-son why. That’s going to require some painful honesty and some self analysis, but it’s worth it.

Your ex may have lied about the actual reason he or she broke up with you. If they did, it was probably because they didn’t want to be “mean” or hurt your feelings. We all lie to each other a little bit in relationships. (You shouldn’t lie about the big stuff, but brutal honesty on a day-to-day basis can really mess up a good relationship. Your spouse doesn’t really need to know what goes through your head when you eye the cute waiter or waitress.)

Here are some typical reasons your ex may have given you why they broke things off. If I don’t cover the EXACT reason you and YOUR ex broke up, fill in the form below with the correct information.

• “It’s not you, it’s me.” This is a “white lie” softener that your ex used to dull the pain when he or she broke things off with you. There probably wasn’t any maliciousness in it. If your ex gave you this line or some other vague reason for breaking things off, it probably means they simply weren’t feeling attracted to you any-more (we’ll address that later), were bored in the relationship, or weren’t getting their sexual or emotional needs met (sexual incom-patibility can send even a great relationship to an early graveyard). They possibly don’t even know themselves why they broke things off. (“It just doesn’t feel right.”)

• The relationship is not moving “forward.” It’s stereotypical, but you’ll hear this one most often from women (especially women in their early- to mid-thirties who have the “biological clock” ticking

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

like crazy in the back of their heads). If your ex got to the point where they broke things off because you weren’t moving forward together, it can actually be good news. It means they’re still at-tracted to you and see potential in you, but are frustrated by a certain level of Peter Pan’s “child who won’t grow up” that they see going on. Your job is going to be to convince your ex that you’re ready to bring things to the “next level,” whatever that might be, or to convince them that it’s not time to go to that level yet. • Feeling “nagged” or unappreciated/Can’t “relax” in the

rela-tionship. I certainly see this one a lot. Dr. John Gottman (who’s

an AMAZING relationship researcher at the University of Washing-ton) says that contempt is the number one indicator of whether or not a relationship will stand the test of time. And one of the biggest ways men and women show contempt for each other is by constantly nagging and criticizing. If in the past you were con-stantly criticizing your ex, measuring them against an unattain-able ideal, or focusing more on their flaws than on their positives, you’re going to have to learn to accept your ex for who they are and rebuild a lot of trust and self esteem. I recommend you read Dr. Gottman’s work and take it to heart. You can learn more at http://www.gottman.com.

• “I met someone else.” The grass is always greener, huh? Finding out the person you love is with someone else can feel like getting stabbed in the gut (believe me, I know). It’s also completely possible that once they “settle in” with a new person, they’ll realize what a good thing they left behind. Your job here will be to put your best face forward, be as unbothered by what’s happened as possible, and slowly open the door to reconciliation.

• Betrayal/Cheating. I get a lot of emails about this one. If your ex broke up with you because of cheating, it’s PROBABLY because you cheated on him or her (though sometimes someone will cheat, realize they cheated because they wanted out of their existing re-lationship, and then pull the trigger).

Actually, this is as good a spot as any to talk about WHY people cheat in the first place, and some basics about human psychology and evolution.

When a guy cheats it almost never has anything to do with his wife or girlfriend. This is hard for women to get their heads

around, but when a man cheats it often is for basic, unemotional reasons. He cheats because his testosterone is driving him to-wards that woman like a freight train and he thinks that he can’t help himself. I’m not saying guys SHOULD cheat (I firmly believe

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

been cheated on, as much as it hurts, realize it probably had noth-ing to do with you. If the cheatnoth-ing was an isolated incident in an otherwise good relationship, it’s not an indicator that a relation-ship is doomed. (Tangentially, “open” or “semi-open” relationrelation-ships can be very successful. But that’s another topic for another man-ual.)

Women usually cheat for emotional reasons. When a woman

cheats, it’s usually because she’s craving something she’s not get-ting in her relationship and life. A woman will cheat as revenge (“he cheated on me; I’m going to cheat on him”), because she’s mad at her man (“he never pays attention to me”), because the man she cheated with gave her attention she’s not getting from her husband or boyfriend, and sometimes, out of plain old-fashioned lust. There are exceptions to both rules. Sometimes women cheat “just because they can” and sometimes men cheat for deeply emotional reasons.

Despite what you may have been told, humans are NOT evolved to be monogamous. This one can get me in trouble with readers,

but most reputable science shows us that humans are NOT evolved to be with just one person sexually for our entire lives. If anything, we’re like Bonobo apes who have wild orgies at the drop of a hat. Now I’m NOT saying that YOU should be out there whoring it up, and I’m not condoning cheating. Personally, I’m in a very happy monogamous relationship. I am saying that damning your partner to hell for cheating is a lot like getting angry at them for breathing, eating food or sleeping. Humans are ALWAYS going to want and CRAVE sexual variety. The fact that we have brains and can choose not to indulge in that variety is what makes us human. But you’ll have a much happier relationship with your man or woman if you admit that (just like you) they’re human, make mistakes, and have desires and cravings they can’t always control.

If your ex is (or you are) a serial cheater, however, all bets are off . . . that behavior brings up issues of honesty and respect, and most likely isn’t going to change. Take a long, hard look at what you really want out of a relationship.

• “We don’t communicate.” Again, this is a common reason for a woman to break up with a man. I hear from women all the time who say “I just don’t know what’s going on in his head,” or “He never TALKS to me.” Later in this manual you’re going to learn some techniques to make “speaking your heart” to your ex a much simpler and less frightening experience. If you’re a woman, it’s also going to make it easier for you to speak in languages your man actually responds to.

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

• Stonewalling/ No reason given. Finally, your ex may not have given you ANY REASON AT ALL for breaking things off (man, that drives us crazy, huh?) Personally, I think that’s pretty immature on their part. In this case you’re going to have to do some internal detective work.

With that in mind, answer these questions as honestly as possible:

1. What reason did your ex give you for breaking things off?

2. What’s the REAL reason you think the relationship ended? (Be

honest here. What was at the real core of the end of the relationship? Ask yourself the question, dig deep, and the answer will come.)

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

3. Are you willing or able to address the real reason the relationship ended? (If you don’t want kids and your ex does, or vice-versa, that’s

a pretty big deal breaker.) What actions are you willing to take in the relationship to address these problems?

Once you’ve answered these questions, move on to the next section. And if you were the one to break up with your ex, keep reading. Your questions are coming.

Option 2: You Broke Up With Your Ex And

Now Want Them Back.

Uh oh, you messed up. This actually happened to a friend of mine recently. He broke up with his girlfriend of two years because of his own fear of commitment. He dipped his toe briefly back into the world of being single, realized he was a fool, and then came to me begging for advice on how to get his woman back. She was licking her wounds, bitter and more than a little angry for the hell he’d put her through, so he had to work the system pretty hard.

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

with them and the REAL reason you broke up with them have about as much in common as peanut butter and nuclear weapons.

That’s OK. Remember, we’re dealing with reality here. Just like we did for the readers who were broken up with, we need to create a nice, honest “map” of what happened at the end of your relationship and establish what’s going through your ex’s mind when they think of you.

Here are some typical reasons you may have broken up with your ex but now want them back . . .

• You thought you could do better (and now realize you’re wrong. Sucks, huh?)

• You thought they betrayed you (but they didn’t. Jealousy can be ugly).

• You just weren’t attracted to them anymore (but now are). • Heat of the moment/result of a big fight.

• You cheated, or he/she cheated. (See the section on cheating a few pages back.)

If you broke up with your ex and now want them back, answer the following questions as HONESTLY as you can.

1. Why did you break up with your ex? (The real reason. It might take some soul searching.)

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

2. What reason did you TELL your ex you broke up with them for? If it’s actually the REAL reason, that’s awesome. Hopefully you didn’t stonewall.

3. Is the reason you broke up with your ex something that you

think can be addressed? Is it still a deal breaker, or is it something

you can move past? If you can’t forgive your ex for being who they are, you’ll never be successful.

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

What’s Your BIG GOAL?

I like to say, “You can’t hit the target until you paint it on the wall.” So now that we’ve got a clear picture of why your relationship ended in the first place, we’re going to paint a big fat bulls eye on the wall and figure out why you really want your ex back and what your goal is here. Again, no one has to see this material but you, but it’s important that you’re as honest with yourself as possible.

Question 1: WHY do you want your ex back?

No, really, I mean it. And “because it hurts so much right now that I feel like I’m going to drown” isn’t the right answer. (OK, I guess it’s AN answer, but you want more than just that.) If I’m going to help you get your ex back, I want to make sure you’ve got a damned good reason for getting back together and are going to do everything you can to make that relationship work.

Here are some answers I hear all the time:

• “I want my ex back because we understand each other better than

anyone else on this planet.”

• “I want my ex back because, despite some bad times, we work

re-ally, really well together.”

• “I want my ex back because I want my children to grow up in a whole

family, AND I know we can be a positive, happy couple together.”

• “I want my ex back because when I get around him/her I feel safer

and more passionate than any other time in my life.”

• “I want my ex back because I want someone to take care of me.” • “I want my ex back because I’m incredibly attracted to them.” • “I want my ex back because I don’t want anyone else to have them.” • “I want my ex back because of financial reasons.”

Notice that some of these are pretty boring and maybe even a little dark. But they’re all HONEST and (in some way) LOGICAL as well as emo-tional. So don’t beat yourself up if your reasons for wanting to get back together seem a little less than “fairy tale romantic.” Just be honest with yourself here. Really think about your answers here, they’ll affect everything you do during the rest of this process.

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

Question 2: What’s your “Big Goal?” What do

you actually WANT?

OK, now that we know WHY you want your ex back, let’s paint a picture of what “getting them back” actually means. This is the big picture, “destroy the Death Star and live happily ever after” view of romance.) It’s totally possible (probable, actually) that your goal is going to change as time moves forward, but let’s figure out what you’re aiming for now. So here’s your question: In a PERFECT world, what would your

rela-tionship with your ex look like?

Here are some example answers:

• In a perfect world, my ex and I would live together, would spend as

much time as humanly possible together, and would be respectful and passionate towards each other.

• In a perfect world my ex and I would be “dating.” That means we see

each other a few times per week, but still have plenty of time apart to live independent lives. We’d both still be seeing other people.

• In a perfect world, my ex and I would be just like we were when

we first got married 20 years ago. We’d be able to erase all of the built up BS around our relationship and really be a family for our two kids. While we’d sometimes have disagreements, we’d never resort to yelling or contempt.

• In a perfect world, my ex and I would have sex one last time and it

would be awesome.

Again, no one is going to see this but you, so be as honest as you can. Also, know that your “perfect world” doesn’t have to be super realistic. It’s just important to know what the “Big Goal” is. If you get CLOSE to your big goal, you’re doing really well.

Question 3: What’s the “Baby Step” that

would give you a chance of getting your “Big

Goal?”

You know WHY you want your ex back, and you know what your “Big Goal” is. Now you just need to know what that first tiny step will look like. For instance, if your “Big Goal” is to get your ex girlfriend to marry you and start a family together, your first “Baby Step” would be getting her to sit down to coffee with you.

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BEFORE YOU TEXT

Depending on how badly your relationship ended and what kind of re-lationship it was, you and your ex might be:

• Not speaking at all

• Seeing each other socially in a friendly way

• Speaking and seeing each other only when you have to deal with the kids

• Hanging out all the time but not being romantic • Still madly in love but not willing to make it work • Some combination of the above

You need a “Shift Point” which would give you the chance to convert your relationship from where it is now one step closer to your “Big Goal.” Don’t be too ambitious here, but define one small thing that you want in the near term. Your “Shift Point” can be pretty damn small at this point.

Write down your “Shift Point” to start things in the right direction.

For instance, I’ve worked with people who say things like:

• I want my ex to be able to have one conversation with me where

neither one of us gets angry.

• I want to have lunch with my ex so we can look each other eye to

eye.

• I want to make love to my ex again as quickly as possible because I

know she’ll feel that bond again when we do.

Whew! OK, now go on to the next page. We’ve got a LITTLE BIT more prep work to do.

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CORE CONCEPTS AND MARCHING ORDERS

Core Concepts And

Marching Orders Before

You Start To Text Your Ex

Back

Congrats!

Just by answering the questions I’ve given you so far, you’ve taken mas-sive steps towards getting your ex back and having a better relationship than you ever thought possible.

We’re about to get into the actual “Text Your Ex Back” system (it’s a doozy), but before we do there are a few “Core Concepts” I need you to get deeply embedded in your mind. Some of this stuff might feel hard to accept at first (and some of it might fly in the face of what you’ve been told by pop psychologists, “romance” experts, relationship advice specialist and greeting card companies), but once you accept these con-cepts and really internalize them you’ll find the whole process of getting your ex back (or having a successful relationship with someone else in the future) is MUCH smoother.

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Core Concept #1: Your Old

Relationship Is DEAD (and it’s never

coming back)

This one might hurt a little bit. Your old relationship with your ex

is DEAD (as a doornail, as communism in Russia, as Michael Jackson.

It’s a dead parrot, mate.)

The moment you or your ex officially broke things off (and maybe even BEFORE that), your relationship was led to the gallows and fed to a rabid shark.

If you go into this process trying to “get your old relationship back,” you’re going to fail. You and your ex are both different people now than you were the last time you were together, whether that was two months ago or twenty years ago. (Human body cells replace themselves com-pletely every few months, so I’m actually being literal here.)

Instead of trying to recreate your OLD relationship (which probably ended for a reason), we’re going to try to create a NEW and BETTER relationship with your ex, hopefully without all the same hang ups and deal breakers you suffered through before.

So really, the fact that your old relationship is dead is a GOOD thing. It means in a lot of ways you can wipe the slate clean and create the relationship (positive, sexy, fun) that you both deserve.

Mourn your old relationship. Pour back your whiskey. Do a jig. Have a wake. Cry it out. And then get ready to birth something new and awesome.

Core Concept #2: Forgiveness Is

Power

Before we officially start this process you need to do two very important things.

1. You need to forgive your ex for whatever they may have said or done that led to your breaking up

Plain and simple, FORGIVENESS IS POWER. As long as you hold a grudge against your ex, you’re giving them power over your life and your emotions. Now, I’m not saying you should forget the words

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that were flung or the way he or she hurt you. But accept that it happens. We hurt those we care about the most.

Let go of any need you might have for them to wholeheartedly

apologize or give you recompense for what happened. Whether they SHOULD or not is immaterial. Right here, right now, you need to FORGIVE your ex for being human, for making mistakes, and for hurting you. Only then can you move on.

2. You need to forgive yourself. Honestly, this is even more impor-tant. Whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, if you want to get back together you’re probably beating yourself up, dragging yourself over the coals for “messing up” your relationship and play-ing the “woulda shoulda coulda” game in your head, tryplay-ing to figure out where you went wrong or why you weren’t good enough.

It’s time to stop. Just like your ex is a human being, full of

frailties and desires they have no control over, so are you. If you cheated, you cheated. It’s not the greatest thing in the world, but it doesn’t mean you’re a monster. If you said some things you regret, it’s because you have emotions and you care. You may choose to apologize in the future, but first you need to get cool with yourself. There is NOTHING more unattractive in a person than self loathing and rock-bottom self esteem. If you don’t LIKE yourself and think POSITIVE thoughts about yourself, you’re never going to be able to work the system and have your ex eagerly coming back to you. So get your head up, dry your tears, look yourself in the mirror and say “I forgive myself.” Do this “Forgiveness Exercise” hundreds of times if you have to. Fake the smile for now, and eventually it’ll be real.

And then play “The I Like Myself Game.”

The “I Like Myself Game”

The “I Like Myself Game” is something I created several years ago when I was at a real low point. I’d just turned thirty, and even though a lot of things in my life seemed pretty great, I was miserable. No matter what I accomplished or what I did with myself, my self image was low and dirty and evil and cruel.

And it wreaked havoc with my romantic life. I hated myself so much that I just couldn’t let a woman love me without wondering what the heck was going on in her head.

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It’s taken me years of work to re-jigger my self image to something awe-some, but it’s been worth it.

In my experience, the first time you play the “I Like Myself Game” it’s going to scare the living bejeezus out of you. In fact, a lot of people who TRY to play the “I Like Myself Game” the first time end up chickening out. They confuse “liking yourself” with “being arrogant” and go hide under the couch until the specter of positivity passes.

So take a deep breath and get ready. Here’s all you have to do:

Take out a blank piece of paper or fire up a blank document in your word processor of choice. (I like Pages on the Mac, but anything will do.)

At the very top of the paper write “I like (YOUR NAME), I really do . . . ” (If you feel a little shot of panic doing this, that’s OK. Take another deep breath.)

In the third person (“Mike is. . . ”), write out what you truly LIKE about yourself. Don’t edit yourself. Don’t apologize. Don’t use “wiggle words” or “neutralizers” like “I’d like Mike’s smile, but his teeth are kind of crooked” or “I like Mike’s brain, but I wish he was smarter.” Focus on the positives. Don’t qualify anything. Don’t worry about being immodest (modesty is noxious; I’m not a fan). Be honest: what do you REALLY like about yourself, and what do you think other people like about you, too?

Examples of stuff you might like about yourself can include:

• Personality traits: “I like Bob’s sense of humor. He can make a

whole room laugh with a word.”

• Physical traits: “I like Mary’s butt. It’s taken years of work, and

she’s got an ass that draws stares when she walks down the street.”

• Accomplishments: “I like how Jerry kept moving even when things

got tough and graduated at the top of his class.”

FILL THE WHOLE PAGE. Keep going no matter how hard it gets.

The first time I did this exercise I had a panic attack, but now I can do it in my sleep. We’re going to do a variation of this exercise and use it later in our texts. So it’s SUPER IMPORTANT that you do it right. Just as an example, here’s a quick “I Like Myself Game” for me . . .

I like Mike, I really do.

I like his energy. It crackles off him like lightning, and when he focuses he can change the world through his sheer force of

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I like how Mike cares about people. I like that Mike goes out of his way to help the people in his life and thinks loyalty is the most important thing in the world.

I like Mike’s smile. He’s got dimples and a naughty glimmer in his eye that makes you wonder what’s going on in his head.

The first time you play this game, you’re going to feel like an egotistical git. That’s because our culture programs us to have low self esteem and low opinions of ourselves.

Play it anyway. Write it out longhand if you can (though typing is OK,

too. My handwriting is doctor-level bad, so I type everything). You don’t have to share this with anyone, but you can if you want. It’s a great game for a couple to play together, followed by a “What I Like About You” variation.

Simply by focusing on the POSITIVES about yourself, you’re going to RE-PROGRAM your mind. Confident people and people who like

them-selves have better relationships.

I really can’t harp on this one enough. So much of seduction, whether it’s with someone new or with someone you’ve been with in the past, is MENTAL. If you truly BELIEVE that you are someone your ex SHOULD be with, is BETTER OFF with, and will be HAPPY with, it’ll make your job so much easier.

Core Concept #3: You’re Single! DATE!!

I know. Dating sucks. The meet market is a cold and horrible place, full of frightening people and bad music.

But it can also be a lot of fun. And as painful as it sounds, one of the best ways to get your ex to notice you again is for you to go out, date, and actually HAVE FUN.

I’m not saying you should hop into bed with a lot of people or get into a serious thing with somebody else (you shouldn’t). But I am saying that it’s VERY important for you to go out, date, and realize that you are an attractive and interesting person.

By dating you’ll . . .

• Raise your own self esteem.

• Hone your “game” for when it’s time to go after your ex again (be-cause you’re going to start at the beginning and DATE your ex again . . . not just fall into the same old pattern).

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• Learn new tricks and ideas you can use in your relationship. • Become a better rounded and more interesting person.

Also, dating lets you use a concept called “Social Proof.” I don’t have room to go into a ton of detail on this, but the core idea behind social proof is that human beings tend to emulate the action of what other

human beings are doing.

If a bunch of people are looking up and you walk by, you’ll probably look up.

If you see enough testimonials in a diet ad from people saying they lost 400 pounds eating nothing but HoHos, you’ll be more likely to try the diet.

And if enough OTHER people seem to find you attractive, interesting, and sexy, then your ex is more likely to do so, as well.

(This is why I’m generally a proponent of “positive flirting” and “posi-tive jealousy” even when you’re in a relationship. Another woman find-ing your man attractive actually reflects POSITIVELY on you, and vice versa.)

Core Concept #4: You WANT Your Ex. You

Don’t NEED Your Ex.

Neediness is a major turnoff. I talked about this is the “Forgiveness” section, but it’s worth repeating: if you want your ex back you really need to LIKE YOURSELF first. You need to think of yourself as a worth-while person, a “great catch,” and someone your ex will be lucky to be with.

Much of the work you’ve done so far is about figuring out WHY you want your ex back and what kind of great life you can build together. The key word there is “WANT.” You should WANT your ex back (otherwise why are you reading this?). But you shouldn’t NEED them.

Before you start to “Text Your Ex Back,” spend some time with yourself. Join a gym. Eat better. Take care of yourself. Take up some hobbies. Get a better haircut.

Only by loving yourself can you present yourself as someone your ex should love, as well.

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Core Concept #5: Only Fools Rush In

Honestly, there’s not much in life you can’t learn from Elvis lyrics. If you and your ex JUST broke up a few days (or hours) ago, and you’re desperately trying to reignite the pilot light of your relationship, I’ve got some bad news for you. If you want REAL results with your ex, you’re

going to have to wait.

Plain and simple, if you just broke up, there’s too much “stuff” around your relationship for you to be able to enjoy each other yet.

I recommend that you take at least ONE MONTH off from each other before starting to use the “Text Your Ex Back” system.

And by “off,” I mean you completely cut contact. No phone, no texting, no hanging out, no email, no little notes left on his car overnight, no “accidentally” bumping into each other at a favorite hangout.

OK, by saying that I may have scared the bejeezus out of you. You might feel like you NEED to see your ex NOW, or that if you don’t “strike while the iron is hot” you’re going to miss your chance to reignite that spark. And I totally understand that. Believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve felt that horrible anxiety rushing through my body and that overwhelming craving to see the woman I love, even though she doesn’t seem to love me anymore.

But it’s imperative to the success of this program that you take your time and “do it right.”

Remember, we’re not just trying to get you a “hook up” with your ex. We’re trying to create a powerful, positive relationship that you both get a lot out of for a long time to come.

If you have kids and have to interact, that’s fine, but keep the interac-tions as SIMPLE and POSITIVE as possible. Don’t dig into your ex’s life. Don’t act needy. Spend time doing your homework, thinking about the relationship, dating other people (as weird as it might be), and biding your time until you can put your plan into action.

Remember, 30 FULL DAYS of silence (more if you can handle it.) It’ll hurt now, but it’s worth it in the long term.

We’re done with our prep work. So if you typed up your answers to the questions, print up your answers and keep them handy. Get a drink, settle in, and get ready to put the full “Text Your Ex Back” system into action.

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THE TEXT YOUR EX BACK STEP-BY-STEP SYSTEM REVEALED

The Text Your Ex Back

Step-By-Step System

Revealed

“Start your engines.”

If you checked the Table of Contents and jumped right to this chapter, go back and read the sections before this, ESPECIALLY the “Core Con-cepts.” If you want this to work, it’s also critically important that you answer the questions I laid out for you, so that you can explain WHY you want your ex back, what the “mindset” of your ex is around you, and what your goals are.

Once you’ve done all of that, THEN it’s time to put the tested and proven “Text Your Ex Back” system into action.

A couple quick notes about the following pages:

• This system will work for you whether you’re male or female (and whether you’re dating a man or a woman), but you’ll have to adjust the psychology accordingly. I’ll show you in the text where you should be doing things differently.

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• This system is designed to build rapport and intimacy even when your ex and you aren’t spending any real time together. Eventually you WILL end up in the same room with your ex (they may even be the one who suggests it), and at that point you’ll have to be “off script.” For now, though, use the concepts and texts I give you and let me do the work.

• Obviously I can’t write perfect texts for EVERY situation or EVERY person in the world (Wish I could.). If the specific language of what I give you or the formula I supply doesn’t sound quite right for you or your relationship, edit it and make it your own. I won’t be offended. The important part is that you FOLLOW THE STEPS that I give you and WORK THE SYSTEM.

A couple “Pre Text Instructions:”

• I said this in the last section, but it’s important: take some

signif-icant time off from your ex before you start this system. Wait a

month at minimum, though you may want to go longer than that. It’s important that you have time to let the “rawness” of the break up dissipate before you go barreling back in.

• Practice the “Forgiveness Exercise” I gave you in the last section. Do it daily if you have to and remember to forgive both yourself and your ex. It sounds kind of cheesy, I know, but it works.

• Practice positive thinking about your ex. Try to banish the negative thoughts from the end of the relationship from your mind.

• If you’re still in touch with your ex (because of kids, work, common friends, etc.) STOP using text messaging for “practical” stuff. Our goal is to create a “fantasy world” over text, and the best way to kill that buzz is to text about picking the kids up from school or taxes. If it’s impossible to stop talking about that stuff over text, keep the conversations as short and practical as possible.

NO MATTER WHAT, you MUST refuse to go negative with your ex over text. If he or she starts a fight over text, REFUSE to continue

the conversation in that medium, even if it makes your blood totally BOIL. Call instead. Meet in person if it makes sense, but keep texting as “virgin territory.”

Let any negatives from your ex go for now. Simply ignore them, DELETE them from your phone right away and realize that the ANGER you’re getting from your ex really just shows that he or she cares. Hate is not

the opposite of love; apathy is. If your ex keeps hammering you over

text, simply send back a note saying something like, “I’m not willing to have this conversation without being able to look you in the eye. If you want to sit down and talk about it, let me know.”

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Another great way to cut a negative conversation short is to simply write “This is inappropriate.” and stop talking. You’ll be amazed at how well that one works.

“Text Judo” - The Cornerstone Of The

“Text Your Ex Back” System

What is “Text Judo?” Great question.

“Text Judo” is the art of using your ex’s existing emotions “against them” in order to get the positive result you want.

In regular Judo, a martial artist uses an opponent’s “strength” against him, redirecting a lunge or a punch, for example, so that the attacker ends up in a bruised and battered pile on the floor. A really good Judo practitioner at work is a sight to behold. A 5-foot-tall woman can throw a 6’4” linebacker around like a rag doll if the woman knows CONTROL while the linebacker knows nothing but POWER.

Now, your ex is not your “enemy,” or this is not like combat, but the metaphor works. Since your ex is probably still feeling a lot of “hot” emotion around you, you’re going to use that emotion to our own ad-vantage.

Remember, your ex feeling ANY emotion towards you (even hate) is, in many ways, a GOOD thing. Apathy will kill any chance you have

of getting back together with your ex, but any positive or nega-tive powerful emotion can be transformed and guided using simple techniques I’m going to teach you.

If your ex is angry at you, you can use that anger to ignite the spark of love that’s probably still buried deep down inside.

If your ex is hurt by you, you can use that hurt to uncover the desire for acceptance and love that left him or her open to being hurt by you in the first place.

And on and on and on.

The key to “Text Judo” is to ACKNOWLEDGE the elephant in the room. If you come back into your ex’s life pretending that nothing ever

went wrong in your relationship, it’ll blow up in your face. Instead you ACKNOWLEDGE the problem, give VALIDITY to your ex’s emotions (es-pecially if you’re a man trying to win back a woman), and then translate

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those emotions into the feelings of warmness, closeness, and attraction that we’re trying to create.

Sound complicated? It’s not. But it does require more “grist for the mill.” You need stories, emotions, and pieces of your relationship that you’ll use in your communication with your ex to focus your ex on positive thoughts about you, create your “fantasy world,” and drive them back into your arms.

Prepping The Shot (A Little Bit Of “Text

Judo” Homework)

Fill out the following questions before moving on to the next section. Like all the assignments, this is important, building organically on what we’ve done before and creating a foundation for what is still to come. Take the time, do the work, and you’ll be really happy with the results.

Question 1: What were the POSITIVE aspects of your relationship with your ex? What were the things you had in common that drew you together?

What was it about your relationship that you really loved and adored? What was it that made you guys really WORK as a couple? (Even when things started getting bad, there were probably things that drew you together.)

Just to get the old creative juices flowing, here are a few possible cate-gories that I hear all the time. You can beg, borrow or steal . . .

Music - what bands did you both LOVE? Was there a particular kind of

music that drew you together? Did you meet at a Phish concert? Are you both jazz freaks or metal heads?

Politics - do you both hate the same ideas (strangely, that can be a

real bonder for people)? Do you have similar ideas on how your country should be run? Do you have ideological or activist causes in common?

Passions - what gets you both “humming like an 8-cylinder engine?”

What do you both CARE about on a really passionate level? If you’re both part of PETA, that definitely counts. So does a general love of the outdoors, or a love of DIY projects.

Religion - same ideas as above. Are you both devout Christians?

Occa-sional Mormons? Lapsed atheists? Write down the commonalities of your faith.

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Sex - are you guys sexually compatible? Do you share fetishes? Sex

is important, folks, and a good and compatible sex life is 100% critical to you having a life together.

Kids - do you have kids together? If so, that’s a pretty big common

interest. What is it about your kids that drives you together? What about your children do you both enjoy? (Oh, and if you bad mouth your ex in front of your kids, you’re a bad person. Don’t do that. Seriously.)

Hobbies - what kind of hobbies did you share? Dancing? Theatre?

Movies? Video games? Walking the beach with a metal detector? Do you both love travel? Do you both hate Dr. Phil?

Whatever it is, get it all on paper in a big list. Be as exhaustive as you can be. Really think out the “stuff” that drew you together before, and that you think could draw you together again.

Question 2: What are the BEST EXPERIENCES you and your ex ever had together?

Now that we know what drew you together in the first place (besides pheromones . . . man, those things are powerful; I get within ten feet of my girlfriend and my brain turns off and I start slobbering like a cave man), now it’s time to list the BEST EXPERIENCES your ex and you ever had together.

These should be the stories you’d tell your grandkids, and the stories

that will crawl right into your ex’s unconscious to make them smile or laugh, almost despite themselves.

These experiences don’t necessarily have to be “positive” in the tradi-tional sense. As any war vet or survivor of a natural disaster knows, trauma has an incredible bonding effect on human beings, and “being in a foxhole” together makes lifelong friends (and sometimes lovers). These are the kinds of experiences I want you to list. Brainstorm freely for now. You can edit down to the really good stuff later.

Your “Couple Origin Story” - This is the story of how you got together

in the first place. It’s probably SUPER EMOTIONAL for both of you, because you were both feeling such intense attraction when it happened. Being able to bring that back up in your ex’s mind is very powerful.

Adventures you shared - These are usually “one off” memories, like

that trip to the Grand Canyon, the honeymoon in Hawaii, or the crazy weekend in Vegas. Just make sure the adventure was some-thing you both look back on fondly, and not somesome-thing your ex is going to get annoyed by. For example, if the car broke down at the

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side of the road and you spent hours yelling and screaming about it, you should probably leave that out.

“Us Against Them” experiences - These are experiences where it felt

like you and your ex were a “unit” and were really there for each other against a common enemy. (In-laws and parents make great common enemies, as long as it doesn’t seem like you are criticizing your ex’s family.) These can be a little complicated. Examples could be when you helped your ex get out of a sticky legal spot, when you stood up for your girlfriend as she was getting hit on by a guy, etc.

Bonding Tragedies or Challenges - This is where you take a negative

and make it a positive. Bonding tragedies or challenges are times when you and your ex really went through a tough experience to-gether. For instance, the death of a family member, a natural dis-aster (“We were huddled in the dark for six hours together, waiting for the hurricane to abate”), a car wreck, a trip to Burning Man or some other hostile environment, boot camp, etc. Anything where it was HARD but satisfying and had a positive outcome.

Romantic Experiences - Romantic memories might include the night

you proposed or got married, a really romantic vacation at a spa, a time you surprised your partner with a day off or a trip, etc. Any-thing where it was really just the two of you enjoying each other without any outside interference. This could also be the moment you discovered you were in love or other emotionally heavy mo-ments. (Side note: Did you know that science shows men are ac-tually more romantically minded than women? Weird but true.)

Family Experiences - These are the moments where you felt proud of

your family or were really happy that your partner was there. The birth of a child, or your grandparents’ anniversary gathering. That time you thought your kids were threatened but they turned out OK.

Positive Sexual Experiences - Ahh, sex. No matter how long you were

together (or how bland things may ultimately have happened in the bedroom), I’m willing to bet you have some particular sexual expe-riences with your ex that you revisit in your fantasies again and again. And I’m willing to bet your ex does, as well. These should be moments when you felt particularly close to your ex emotion-ally, felt “out of control” physicemotion-ally, tried new things in the bedroom (with positive or at least goofy results), had the most amazing or-gasm of your life, or otherwise ended up in a sweaty, happy pile together. Public sex experiences are great for this (the thrill of almost getting caught sticks in the unconscious for a long time).

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“mundane” experiences you and your ex used to enjoy. As a cou-ple you undoubtedly had some “boring stuff” that you took comfort in doing together. For me and my girlfriend, it’s sitting around in our sweatpants, eating ice cream and watching “Glee” episodes on Hulu. (Yes, we’re geeks.)

REMEMBER - no matter what the experiences are, they need to be

things that BOTH you and your ex enjoyed. Don’t use stuff that was a point of huge contention between you and your ex here. Stay POSITIVE. Got it? Good.

Right now, list as many of these positive experiences as you can. USE AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE. Details are EVERYTHING when it comes to “reviving” past positive emotions. (Even details that are made up can do the job, oddly enough.)

While you’re writing, also list out what the DOMINANT EMOTION around that experience with your ex is. What FEELINGS come up for you when you think of that experience?

Question 3: How is your ex currently FEELING about your relation-ship?

Ahh, emotion.

Whether it’s been a few weeks (at least a month, I hope) or a few years since “the break up,” your ex probably still has some “hot” emotions around you and your relationship. And those emotions are going to IMMEDIATELY come up when he or she gets that first text from you. Depending on how negative those emotions are, you might have to alter your game plan to “soothe the savage beast” and slowly work your way back into their good graces.(How your breakup went should give you some good idea of how your ex is currently feeling about you. Did you break up in an angry fight? Or was it more of a slow death? What does that tell you about what’s going on in your ex’s mind and heart?) Write down the emotions your ex is currently feeling about you.

• Anger? Why? What is that anger masking? What desires bubble below it?

• Sadness? Why?

• Self righteousness? Why?

• Melancholy? Regret? Dread? Whimsy?

Undoubtedly your ex has a whole “stew” of emotions around you, not all of them logical. Your goal here is to be as honest as possible about how he or she is feeling about you. This isn’t the time to lie to yourself.

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Chances are, your ex is feeling some conflicting emotions (and you might be, too). The best example I ever had of “conflicting emotions” was when my grandfather, Rocco, died when I was thirteen.

All my life my mom told me about what a horrible guy my grandfather was. He was an abusive alcoholic who treated my grandmother horribly, spent all his money on booze (instead of on helping his daughters), and squandered his intelligence and gifts.

But then, at Rocco’s funeral, I watched my mom and her sister bawl their eyes out up at the lectern.

At the time I was confused as hell. My mom hated her dad, so why was she crying? But when I got a little older I understood that love and hate are not opposites. In fact, to truly “hate” someone or to truly be angry at someone, you have to care about them a little bit first (and probably a lot).

Emotions are complicated and in no way logical. It’s totally possible that your ex is holding two (or 3, or 12) seemingly conflicting emotions towards you all at the same time.

What if you don’t know why your ex is reacting the way they are? Maybe you were completely blindsided by the break up. You thought things were fine until the hammer fell, and now you just don’t have any insight into your ex’s mind.

I hear from folks all the time who thought their relationship was “per-fect” (or at least pretty good) when their partner broke the news that things were over.

If that’s the situation you find yourself in, you’re going to have to do something difficult and try to ask folks who know both you and your ex for information, or sit back and think about how your ex MIGHT be thinking about you. Use a little creativity. It’s actually a great exercise that’s going to serve you well later anyway.

Use the following page to do your emotional brainstorming, and then congratulate yourself. We’re done prepping and loading the cannon. It’s time to aim and fire.

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The Step-By-Step “Text

Your Ex Back” System

So Simple A Child Could Use It

(Though I have no idea why a child is dating

in the first place. That’s just weird.)

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GETTING STARTED: “ACROSS THE BOW” TEXTS

Getting Started: “Across

The Bow” Texts

Feel that little tingle of excitement running from the base of your brain all the way down your arm to your thumb? Sit and enjoy that for a moment. We’re about to start working some magic.

Now, if you’ve done the things as prescribed, it’s been at least a month since you and your ex have had any really meaningful interaction. You’ve been taking care of yourself, going out with friends, and most decidedly NOT spending all your time staring at the ceiling and feeling sorry for yourself. You’re getting ready to “Text Your Ex Back,” not because you’re needy and sad, but because you and your ex really did have some kind of special chemistry and rapport that’s worth fighting for and that’s going to add a lot of positivity to your lives.

Which means it’s time to take your weapon of choice (your cell phone) and send that first “across the bow” text that’s going to give you the mission to seduce your ex back into your life.

Just to be SUPER CLEAR, our goal with this first text (or our first DOZEN texts) . . .

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. . . is NOT a booty call (though if you do things right, your ex may want to go there pretty damn fast).

. . . is NOT to fix your relationship with one “magic” message. (Man, if I could do that I’d be charging a million dollars a pop.) Nope, instead our goal with this first text is a lot more modest. Our goal is to

. . . GENTLY open the door to more conversation.

. . . start establishing POSITIVE experiences and emotions with your ex.

. . . remind your ex of the GOOD TIMES you had in your re-lationship (and plant the idea in his or her mind that more good times really could be right around the corner).

. . . use TEXT JUDO to affirm your ex’s feelings in a positive way so they can move past them.

. . . and create a subtle FRAMEWORK where your ex comes to the conclusion seemingly on his or her own that you should get together and “talk” (or do more than talk).

This is where a lot of the prep work we’ve done so far comes into play, especially the emotional state and “how your ex feels about you” prepa-ration we did.

“Rules” Of Your First Few Messages (actually

all of them)

• Be positive and upbeat. (Do NOT bring up the negatives that caused your relationship to end.)

• Don’t be needy. It’s important that you come across as confident, happy, and attractive. It also means that you can’t come across as desperately trying to reignite the flames of your relationship (even if that’s exactly what you’re actually doing).

• Don’t worry if you don’t get a response. If you don’t get a re-sponse at first, don’t worry about it. Simply let it go, take a deep breath, and resolve to come back and try again later. If the fish aren’t biting one day, it doesn’t mean they won’t bite again in the future.

• Your texts must validate your ex’s emotions in a positive way. This means you can’t “gaslight” your ex’s emotions and say they

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aren’t real. (That’s just mean.) You should never have to apologize for them, and whatever you’re feeling is the “right” thing to feel. • Avoid “Nothing” texts at all costs.

This is important enough to talk about in more detail. One of the biggest mistakes you can make whether you’re texting your ex, send-ing a message to a cute girl or guy you just met, or trysend-ing to seduce your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend back into your bed is sending a “nothing” text.

What’s a “nothing” text?

It’s a text that doesn’t actually SAY anything and doesn’t leave any “hooks” for positive interaction.

Here are a few examples of “nothing” texts:

What’s up?

Hey, how you doing? Hi.

Yo.

Basically, if a text sounds like it was written by a 19-year-old frat boy, it probably counts as a “Nothing” text and should be avoided (even if you ARE a 19-year-old frat boy).

Instead of sending “Nothing” texts to open up a conversation with your ex, you’re going to use what I call “Across The Bow” texts and “Curiosity Pivots,” which I first developed for my “Text Your Wife Into Bed” program. No matter what you send, you should always know what your GOAL of

an interaction with your ex is BEFORE you send it. What SPECIFIC

thing are you trying to accomplish when you hit Send? What response do you want from your ex? Are you just trying to get ANY response? Are you looking for a smile or a laugh? Are you trying to open the door to a particular conversation? (I recommend you save that for once you’ve got good rapport going back and forth.)

You won’t always get the response you want, but it’s important that you have it in mind.

If you don’t have a solid answer to that question in mind, take a deep breath, put your cell phone back in your pocket, and wait for another day.

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Across The Bow Texts Revealed

“I said across her bow, not up it!” - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

An “Across The Bow” text is a shot in the dark. It’s that first text you send when you haven’t talked to or seen your ex in a while, and is designed to let them know that you’re thinking about them, that you don’t have any negative feelings towards them, and that you’re not horribly, horribly messed up over the break up (even if you actually are).

The “Across The Bow” Text Formula #1:

I (stumbled onto this thing you like or that reminds me of you) and it (positive thought or reaction on my part.)

This is using one of your common interests or experiences in a positive way.

If Bill and Jenny were both really into football, and their favorite team won a big game, Bill could send something like . . .

Bill: “Just watched the end of the Seahawks game and it put

a huge smile on my face thinking how excited you must be. Hope you’re doing great!”

(Yeah, I know. The Seahawks suck. But a man can dream, right?) or for a couple that’s big into reading . . .

Lisa: “I just stumbled onto this old copy of Brave New World

and it made me think of you for the first time in a while. Put a smile on my face. =-).”

Notice how it’s all pretty innocuous? Notice how I even resorted to using an =-) emoticon? (I usually hate emoticons, but sometimes you have to go there.)

Your ex can’t read or even assume where you’re trying to go with things with a message like this. While your ex COULD use this text as a door to start a conversation if they want to, it doesn’t DEMAND a response or feel pushy in any way.

In other words, it gives your ex an “out.” Your ex has a chance to engage in conversation if they want to, but doesn’t force them into a confronta-tion or to make any kind of specific decision about whether they want you in their life or not.

It’s a little like putting a frog in some water and raising the temperature by one measly degree. If we do it right, the frog doesn’t even notice.

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Across The Bow Formula #2: The Random

Compliment

(Nice thing to say about your ex) (indicator that you’re “OK” with the breakup.)

For instance:

Harry (to his ex wife, Joan): “Just caught myself thinking

about you. I’m really glad you were in my life. Hope you’re doing great. =-)”

Or

Sally (to her ex boyfriend): “You’re a really wonderful

per-son. I hope we get to be friends again someday.”

Notice how in both of these cases the sender is being kind of aloof? In most situations, if you come on STRONG with your ex right away, it’s going to blow up in your face.

This text is really just a variant on Formula One. Again, it’s designed to let your ex know you’re thinking of them (but not stalking them), to give them a small compliment and open the door to the possibility of conversation, and to give an “out” so that your ex doesn’t feel horrible amounts of pressure.

ASSIGNMENT: Right now, brainstorm 2 or 3 different “Across The Bow”

texts that you can send to your ex.

Be creative. Use your list of things that you and your ex had in common as “fuel for the fire.”

After you hit send:

Once you send an “Across The Bow” text, a few different things might happen:

1. You get no response at all.

Honestly, this is NOT necessarily a bad thing. After not hearing from you for some time, your ex might just be shocked to find you buzzing his or her pocket and might be overwhelmed by all the emotions that come rushing up with your name.

If you don’t get a response right away, just take a deep breath, let it go for a few days, and then try again with another variation or another of the texts I give you in this manual.

Whatever you do, DO NOT FREAK OUT and DO NOT SEND A LOT of messages in a row. We’re trying to project confidence here, and

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confi-GETTING STARTED: “ACROSS THE BOW” TEXTS

dent, attractive people do NOT freak out. Rest assured that your ex DID receive your message. And just by reading the message, you’ve moved them ever so slightly down the path to reconciliation.

2. You get a neutral response.

A neutral response would be something like “Oh, thanks.” or “Oh, thanks. How are you?”

Your temptation in this case is going to be to POUNCE like a tiger on this small piece of attention and try to get them to engage in some long, explosive texting conversation. DO NOT DO IT. GET OFF THE DAMN BRIDGE.

Instead, your proper response is to answer their neutral response with something equally neutral, friendly, and innocuous, and then for YOU to be the one to end the conversation and move on.

For example:

You: “I know it’s been a while, but I started thinking about

you today and it put a smile on my face. You’re a really won-derful person. Hope you’re doing really well. =-)”

Your Ex: “Oh, thanks. Hope you’re good as well.”

You: “Thanks. Going into a movie, but it’s good to ‘hear’ your

voice. Later.”

Pretty simple, huh? The key here is for YOU to be the one who ends the conversation. If you keep chatting with your ex until they decide to end it, you’ve given up power and lost your chance to build mystery or attraction. Whoever has the last word is the one who has the power

in these situations.

3. You get an overwhelmingly positive response.

Most likely you’ll only get this kind of response from your ex if you were the one to break up with them, or if they’ve independently come around to realizing they made a mistake but haven’t had the guts to call you. You should play the overwhelmingly positive response pretty similarly to the neutral response. You match their enthusiasm to some degree, and then YOU have to be the one to end the conversation.

So . . .

You: (Same as above.)

Your Ex: “Hey, thanks! It’s great to hear from you! How have

you been?”