Having a harassment complaint filed against you will almost always be a result of falling into one of the pitfalls above. And falling into a pitfall is almost always a result of not recognizing disinterest.
In the bars and clubs, guys typically get away with saying or doing blatantly
inappropriate things toward their targets, such as groping them, cussing at them, etc. But at the workplace, you would be surprised at some of the seemingly harmless, innocent things you can say or do that will result in her "feeling uncomfortable" with you, and subsequently filing a harassment complaint against you. The interaction might start out professional or platonic. A friendly "Good morning" everyday for a few months. A short and sweet "Have a good day" at closing time. She may not show any noticeable interest, but she isn't showing any noticeable disinterest either. On the surface, it appears you two have a friendly, courteous vibe when you see each other. But once you communicate any form of interest or interaction beyond professional etiquette, she may feel uncomfortable. In fact, your behavior and interactions need not be sexual in order for her to feel
uncomfortable and subsequently file a harassment complaint against you. You may call yourself simply being friendly, and not at all indicating that you want something more from her. It could be a brief compliment about how nice her hair looks. Or a tease about something she says or does. Or giving her a "Thank You" card. Or simply approaching her to have a conversation when she doesn't want to be bothered. Or you may even ask politely her out on a date. Whatever the interaction, she may feel uncomfortable with certain elements and not know how to react.
As sad as this is going to sound, for certain women, being approached by a man who she is NOT comfortable with is sort of like being in a hostage situation. She pretends to be friendly and courteous because she doesn't want him to retaliate against her and
jeopardize her well-being. So she will smile in his face while still being COMPLETELY UNCOMFORTABLE with him. But deep down inside she wants him to leave her alone.
Therefore, is vitally important to understand that many women in the workplace can not bring themselves to tell you that your behavior is making them uncomfortable, and that they want you to stop. Let me reiterate that for emphasis: Many women in the workplace WILL NOT tell you that your behavior is making them uncomfortable, and that they want you to stop. She can't leave her job to avoid you, and she doesn't want to be rude. But your so-called "friendly", "playful", "non-aggressive", "non-sexualized", "non- needy", "cocky-funny" gestures towards her may go on for weeks or months, and even though the entire time she is uncomfortable with each gesture, she WILL NOT say a word about it to you.
This is why it's important for you to recognize the indicators of DISinterest, and move on. She simply may not be interested in you and WILL NOT tell you up front, so you must look for it in her facial expressions and how much she's investing in the interaction. But if you keep ignoring her disinterest, and plowing through to get a desired response, she will take action to stop your behavior.
If a woman at work decides to take action to stop your unwanted behavior, 1 of 3 scenarios will play out:
Scenario 1: She will confront you personally. This is the best case scenario as it's a situation that can be diffused just between the two of you. But it is also very rare that a woman will confront you. Remember that most women will not tell you that what you are doing is making them uncomfortable. They don't like uncomfortable situations, but they especially don't like confronting a man who is making them uncomfortable. In most cases, the only women who will confront you personally are those in management positions as they are generally older, more experienced women who have confidence to handle the situation personally. But most of your female peers and entry-level employees will choose Scenarios 2 or 3.
Scenario 2: She will notify her supervisor. Her supervisor MAY in turn notify your supervisor. If you have a friendly, good-natured spirit at the company, and if your actions appear to be mild in the eyes of your target and her supervisor, you may simply get a warning from your supervisor to not let it happen again. Even though this is a decent scenario, it too is also rare. Generally speaking, the Human Resources department recommends that if a woman is uncomfortable with an individual's behavior, she should first attempt to resolve the issue at the lower level by confronting that individual
personally, or getting her immediate supervisors to resolve it. If the harassing continues after initial attempts to stop the behavior were made, then the next step is to turn it over to the HR department for administrative action. Although this is the suggested protocol, understand that many women WILL NOT confront you about your unwelcomed
behavior. And her supervisor will take action that represents HER best interests, not yours. So no matter how mild you think the your actions were, once the supervisor gets word that their subordinate is being harassed, they will generally feel obligated to report it up the chain, and your target will be advised proceed to Scenario 3.
Scenario 3: She will file a formal harassment complaint against you with the HR department. This is the worst-case scenario. Generally speaking, whoever plays the harassment card first is awarded the prestigious status of "victim." Unfortunately, many women at work do not have the discretion or mercy to say "I don't want to make a big deal and get him into too much trouble. I just want the interactions to stop. His supervisor can tell him that. And if it happens again, then I'll file a complaint." No, they simply hand it over to the HR department and let them handle it. And all those tangible emails, phone messages, cards and letters you sent her in the past will magically resurface and be used against you. And what's worse, her perception of your actions is the only thing that matters, regardless of how harmless you think you came across. Even if this was your very first act of interest towards her, one time is enough. If all you did was give her a "Thank you" card, and this made her "feel extremely uncomfortable", her perception is what counts and what you did is judged as "wrong" or "bad". Hopefully, the HR
administrators who review the complaint will exercise their own measure of discretion to decide your fate. If you grabbed her breasts at work and there were witnesses, you can start cleaning out your desk and asking your supervisor for a letter of recommendation. However, if it's just a "Thank you" card that's not too aggressive or sexualized, you'll usually be reprimanded and told to not let it happen again. A second incident, and you'll likely be asked to leave the company. Either way, the complaint will go on your
employee record, and you'll be on the radar with your supervisors. At this point, I’m advising you to not make any advances with another woman at your workplace for as long as you’re employed there.
Reasons she will file a complaint:
> You didn't read her indicators of DISinterest. Or you ignored them. > Your behavior or requests were too bold or too forward.
> You kiss and told. You had sex with her and bragged to male-coworkers about your "conquest", and now they treat her disrespectfully at work.
DISCLAIMER
THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION DOES NOT REPRESENT ANY LEGAL ADVICE. IT IS ONLY BASIC GUIDELINES FOR HOW TO DEAL WITH A HARASSMENT COMPLAINT AGAINST YOU. THE POLICIES REGARDING HARASSMENT FOR YOUR SPECIFIC ORGANIZATION, AS WELL AS LEGAL COUNSEL, BOTH TAKE PRECEDENCE TO THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION. YOU ARE ADVISED TO CONTACT YOUR HR ADMINISTRATOR OR SEEK LEGAL COUNSEL BEFORE APPLYING ANY OF THE GUIDELINES BELOW.
If you’re faced with a harassment complaint, contact an attorney, EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU'RE AT FAULT. Choose an attorney that specializes in harassment allegations and
wrongful termination. Your attorney should still be able to offer assistance that benefits you. If you feel you have been wrongfully terminated, you can seek consultation from an attorney who specializes in wrongful termination and harassment complaints.
You can also look up information about rights of the accused is it relates to harassment: Resources: http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/rights-of-those-accused-of-sexual- harassment.html http://www.fklaborlaw.com/faqs/Sexual-harassment-accused-rights.html http://www.myemploymentlawyer.com/sexual-harassment-accused.htm http://www.costellomains.com/Sexual-Harassment-Investigation--2-25089.html http://ctemployeerightsblog.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/men-accused-of-sexual- harassment-can-sue/
I agree with Alan Roger Currie, who said "A one-time comment, question, or advance is NOT harassment. To harass a woman means to repeatedly and persistently make
advances towards a woman after she has ALREADY let you know that she's not interested."
Whatever your situation, understand that you DO have rights that prevent co-workers or even the company from wrongfully terminating your employment. The plaintiff with have strong evidence against you. It only "appears" that men don't have any right in these matters, but that's because they're simply unaware of their rights and what their options are for legal recourse. I will attempt to shed some light on the matter so you have a clearer perspective on how to deal with a harassment complaint that has been filed against you.
If you receive a harassment complaint against you, you should apologize to her as soon as possible. Keep a safe distance and keep a straight, unaffected face. Show no anger. Give a short apology, then leave. Don't make things worse by saying things like, "I was just trying to be nice. Why did you take it the wrong way?" or "Let me make it up to you with dinner." Keep your apology short and to the point, then eject and move on:
You: "I'm sorry if what I said or did made you uncomfortable. It'll never happen again." You must apologize for 3 reasons: 1. You should have the final word before all
communications cease. If she went so far as to file a complaint, then the least you can do is have the final word, if for nothing more than to give yourself some peace of mind that you didn't let her "get away" with the complaint and you did nothing about it. 2. If she is
ever questioned by HR about your actions, she may mention that you apologized, thereby minimizing the risk of losing your job. 3. It gives the interaction a sense of closure on a positive note. If you were genuinely a good guy before the complaint surfaced, she will still consider you a good guy after your apology and may even second-guess her complaint. You must apologize as soon as possible because you may be put on administrative leave and informed not to contact the victim until HR has had the opportunity to investigate. And although I've strongly advised against giving a woman tangibles in the workplace, doing so in a harassment complaint could be to your
advantage. Using company email or phone messaging to leave an apology creates static proof that you apologized to her during the course of the investigation. If you apologize to her over email, CC your supervisor.
Some would say that apologizing is affirming that you believe that what you did was wrong and that she was justified in filing a harassment complaint. Perhaps is the case in her mind. But I feel that apologizing goes a long way to demonstrating to women that there are men in the world who mean well, and regardless of whether they're vindictive or not, such men are sensitive to a woman's feelings, and won't stoop to low measures of calling women bitches for complaining over something that seems trivial.
And continue to treat her with respect
When you find out that a woman filed a harassment complaint against you, particularly over something you felt was harmless, you will feel a variety of negative emotions. At first, you will typically feel shock, especially if what you said or did could be considered very mild. But soon, that shock can brew into frustration and anger because now it appears you are made out to be some bad guy or creep over something apparently
harmless. You may ask yourself questions like, "What did I do to justify this treatment?", "How long has she felt this way?", "Why didn't she simply tell me that what I was doing was making her uncomfortable?" To make matters worse, not only did she bring several personnel from management into your interaction, but the complaint puts a negative spotlight on you in the eyes of your supervisors, which jeopardizes your job and increases your stress. Truly, the words used to describe the situation does not come close to
actually living the experience. Even attempting to genuinely apologize to her in person can appear "confrontational." And the more you dwell on these elements, the angrier you will feel.
But I want you to know that you are a greater man for keeping your cool, and not reacting irrationally or violently towards anyone. And over time, that anger will dissipate, and you will be glad you dealt with the issue in a peaceful manner. And I encourage you to move forward. Continue to be optimistic, and continue to choose success. Against all odds, choose that the people in your workplace are open, considerate, and understanding as it relates to your success in workplace dating. Continue with the visualization and
affirmation exercises and choose that women say the things you want to hear, and treat you the way you want to be treated. Choose to see women as loving. You create greater opportunities for success and joy when you think this way.
Nevertheless, you should let her go and move on, because for every 1 woman that complains against you, at least a dozen other women at work will be open and receptive to you.
Remember that you are a man who LOVES women. They truly are the most beautiful creatures on earth. Do NOT bring yourself down to the level of a Vindictive Manipulator, and become misogynistic.
Understand clearly: The best way to avoid harassment complaints is to target only those women who are giving you strong indicators of interest on a consistent basis. Mark those who give you indicators of DISinterest, and keep them strictly professional or platonic. Reserve your gaming efforts only for those women who are genuinely attracted to you. I personally believe that all workplaces should implement a "NOT INTERESTED" policy, as it relates to harassment. This means that if the Plaintiff (the "victim"), is approached by the Defendant (the "harasser") with a request to go out on a date, grab some lunch, have a conversation or do any non-work related activity, if the Plaintiff is NOT interested, then they should clearly say the words, "I'm not interested." That will be the "code word" for the Defendant, and the Defendant must never again contact the Plaintiff for any non-work related endeavors. This also supports the "repeatedly" clause, because in a technical sense, certain unwanted behaviors must be "repeated" in order for it to be labeled as harassment. Certainly any "reasonable woman" knows that there is a huge, HUGE difference between a man politely asking, "Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?", and him asking, "Would you like to suck my dick?"
My point is, certain unwanted requests or gestures that are generally considered courteous or socially acceptable (such as "Would you like to go to out to dinner sometime?"), should be met with a "NOT INTERESTED" remark as opposed to immediately filing a harassment complaint. At the very least, inform the Defendant's supervisor of the unwanted behavior and have them deal with it. When the Plaintiff files a harassment complaint with the HR department, and the Defendant's request or gesture is considered courteous or socially acceptable, utilizing the "reasonable woman" standard, then one of the first questions to the Plaintiff will be, "Did you state to the Defendant that you were not interested?" and "Did you notify your supervisor of the incident in order to resolve it at the department level?"
This also means that the Defendant should never make another non-work related request to the Plaintiff for the duration of their employment with the organization. However, the Defendant will retain the liberty of making a non-work related request to any other employee other than the Plaintiff, without consequence. In other words, just because I ask Pam out on a date and she runs to HR to file a harassment complaint, doesn't mean I can't ask Julie in the next office if she'd be interested in dating me.
HR investigating the case should also find out the motives behind the complaint. While there are Vindictive Manipulators, many women simply want the unwanted behavior to stop, without causing the defendant's loss of a job.
For example ask the Plaintiff, "How would you prefer we resolve this matter?" If she herself is a reasonable woman, and the behavior or request wasn't too forward, then she might respond, "I just want him to stop his unwanted behavior. Just tell him I'm not interested." But if she immediately snaps back "I want you to fire him or I'm suing the company," then you likely have a Vindictive Manipulator on your hands.
I also believe that workplaces should educate employees, that not all people who exhibit unwanted behavior towards them are somehow equivalent to sadistic deviants who will stalk you and repeatedly harass you until you give in to their demands. They are normal people like themselves who have simply taken a liking to them and, by saying "I'm not interested," that same person can move on without any repercussions or consequences. If companies are truly Equal Opportunity Employers, then they should also have equal opportunity harassment investigations.
Understand that none of this is to suggest that I somehow dislike women in general. Nothing could be further from the truth. I LOVE women. They are the most beautiful creatures on earth. I much love them; you're reading my work on how to date them. And I understand that some women have not only been repeated and crudely harassed by men