• Don’t force things or rush him
If you’re feeling doubtful or insecure about where your relationship is headed, this
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can cause you to panic and try to “lock it down” “while you still have a chance”.
Don’t!
This kind of panic-stricken catastrophizing can make an otherwise-smart woman make all kinds of crazy mistakes - mistakes that can literally end your relationship if you’re not careful.
Here’s the deal: any decisions made out of fear or insecurity are doomed to fail.
Your partner will sense that you’re trying to get a commitment out of something less than pure love and gratitude, and - like any sane red-blooded male - he’ll be turned off by the desperation and lack of respect implied.
Don’t try to force your partner to commit or have “The Talk” as a way of guaranteeing you won’t be left behind. Talking about love won’t make him fall in love! Be secure in yourself and don’t put pressure on the two of you. Love and commitment happen in their own time, according to nobody’s timeline - have faith that it will happen when the time is right.
• Don’t insist on constant attention and reassurance
Nobody loves neediness. And the worst thing about it is that it comes from uncertainty ... and causes more uncertainty!
Some women (especially when they’re feeling anxious about the future) require constant infusions of attention and verbal, physical, and psychological reminders of their partner’s love for them.
This can add to the emotional “pressure-cooker” atmosphere and make it seem like you’re a high-maintenance kinda woman ... not attractive and not what you need right now!
Even though it’s scary, now is your chance to rise to the occasion and PROVE that you have faith in your partner, yourself, and your connection by refusing to freak out
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and refusing to drive him away with your need.
Trust me: at some point he’s going to notice your lack of freak-outedness and be impressed by it. And paradoxically, that’s when your decision not to require constant reassurance will result in just that.
• Don’t turn yourself into a doormat
Fact: in romantic relationships, there is nothing more tantalizing to a man than a woman who knows who she is - and who takes pride in that fact.
Confident women are in very short supply - and smart men tend to like confident women the most. Confident women are the dreamgirls.
Think about it: putting his needs first, accepting his opinions without comment, taking his advice on your clothing, work issues, friendships and social life, and catering to his moods, insecurities, and fears ...?
Maybe that works in a Good Housekeeping magazine from the 50s, but in real life, the only result you’ll get from turning yourself into a doormat is the sound of the front door hitting him in the butt on his way out.
Women who have dignity, pride, and self-respect are attractive to men.
When you know your own mind, you don’t take crap from anyone (including him) - and suddenly it becomes clear that you’re a woman who stands on her own two feet.
Guess what?
Begging and groveling for commitment, love, and connection is counterproductive.
But when you know who you are and you show that you have self-respect, you show him that you don’t “need” him after all ... which is what gives him the space to respect you.
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And that’s when he discovers how much he actually does care after all.
What does this mean in practical terms?
Don’t worry so much about censoring yourself. Say what you think. Don’t fixate on making a “mistake that could cost you the relationship”.
Just relax, be yourself, and remember that people who are “trying too hard” are actually harder work to be around!
Also: if he pulls away, don’t immediately rush after him.
Avoid these common phrases:
• You seem distant.
• Are you mad at me?
• What are you thinking?
• Is everything okay?
• Did I do something wrong?
If you sense him pulling back, you’ve got to LET him. Because space, distance, and that sense of “movement” is what creates powerful attraction and urgency in a man.
If you don’t give him the space he’s trying to create, he never gets to feel that sense of urgency or motion …
… and you’ve just made it harder for him to want you!
If you’re constantly dancing attendance and preempting any trouble, you’ll freak him out and come across as high-maintenance - and you sure won’t have any fun, either!
So: relax. Be who you are. If this is going to work, it’ll work because the two of you are a great match - not because you tried really, really hard to always say the right thing.
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• Don’t play dumb games.
When there’s a lot at stake, sometimes the temptation to play dirty or break the rules can be overwhelming.
But here’s the thing: any strategy that requires you to compromise who you are or take a step down the moral ladder is NOT worth it.
Manipulation, trying to “trick” your partner into giving you a ring, deliberately creating jealousy, or trying to keep them on the back foot is simply not worth it.
These things always backfire sooner or later - and even if he never figures out how you played him, you’ll always know. And that knowledge will poison any happiness you might otherwise have had.
For a relationship to work, two people have to be equals and to treat each other as equals. So before you act, ask yourself this: if your partner knew what you were planning, would you be ashamed of yourself?
• Don’t expect him to love you “no matter what”!
Here’s a little-known fact: in romantic relationships, unconditional love simply doesn’t exist.
When people love each other, it’s because they’re getting something out of that relationship that makes them feel good. So if you’re not making your partner feel good in at least some ways, what possible reason could he have to stay?
It’s not cold-blooded. It’s simply the way things are.
Women who stubbornly expect to be loved “just as they are”, who won’t even consider smoothing off some of their rough edges, don’t end up in happy relationships - because relationships are about partnership, which means you care about making your partner happy just as much as you want to be happy yourself.
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The truth is, you may need to change some of the less-attractive, less easy-to-get-along-with parts of yourself in order to make this relationship work.
So take a look at yourself. Do you know - deep down - what those parts may be? And are you willing to change, if it means the difference between your partner choosing you or somebody else?
What Do You Want From This Relationship?