Now that you’ve written down what you want for your relationship and you’ve considered that “commitment” means something completely different for most men, it’s time to figure out whether what you want is indeed reasonable ... or whether you’ve got your head stuck firmly in the clouds.
Consider the following:
• Is his “lack of commitment” or “distance” really just unrealistic expectations on your part?
Many women tell me that what they really want from their partner is more time together. They want him to turn off the TV, tell his friends to go home, or just come home from the gym and hang out with THEM.
But before you go asking him to change his schedule around ...
... or feeling “left out” because he’s not by your side as often as you’d like ...
Take a step back and remember that commitment naturally increases relative to the depth your relationship is at.
What this means is that, if you’ve only just started dating this man, it would indeed be unreasonable to expect him to reserve every Saturday night for you alone (and this goes double if you haven’t talked about dating exclusively yet.)
As I’ll explain later in the book, there are definite stages to commitment - and you can’t skip stages without the whole thing crumbling into dust.
So if you feel that he’s being distant, cool, or reserved ... take a moment to consider
Are Your Hopes For The Relationship Unreasonable? How To Tell When You’re On The Right Track
where your relationship is really at, and whether you could be mistaking your own unreasonable expectations as “lack of commitment” on his part.
(Hint: if you realize that this is the case, don’t beat yourself up - it’s actually a GOOD thing!)
Realizing that your partner isn’t being distant or cold - that it’s a simple mistake on your behalf that’s easily rectifiable with what you’re about to learn in this book - is great news, because now you can move smoothly forward into the relationship you truly want ... without needless worry about his feelings for you!
• Every relationship needs a balance of “me time” and “we time”
No matter how long you’ve been together for, all relationships need a balance of “me time” and “we time” in order to be healthy, energized, and full of life.
Let me give you an example of what I mean.
Sarah and Chris just started dating last month. At first, they were crazy about each other: they had so much to talk about, they were constantly laughing and touching each other affectionately, and their sex-life was dynamite.
They were both convinced they’d finally found “the perfect person” and couldn’t stop grinning about their good luck.
But as the days went by, things seemed to subtly change. They had less to talk about.
Their conversations began to die down and silence began to blossom between them.
They didn’t find so much to laugh about, and Sarah even began to find herself feeling irritated by small habits of Chris’s that she’d previously found adorable.
They found themselves feeling less passionate about each other, and Chris began to wish that Sarah would give him a bit of time by himself every now and then.
Are Your Hopes For The Relationship Unreasonable? How To Tell When You’re On The Right Track
Things started to feel stale, flat, and old ... and neither of them had any idea why.
The more I talked to this energetic young couple, the more I realized that the issue here wasn’t “lack of affection” or “lack of a future” or “boredom with each other” ...
... it was a simple lack of “me time” on both their parts!
When you take time AWAY from a relationship, you actually infuse yourself (and your partner) with fresh energy and life.
Taking “me time” creates new possibilities and powers fresh, exciting conversations - you both have time to feel revitalized, and bring that new energy back to the relationship.
This isn’t about arbitrarily spending time away from your partner or pretending to be too busy to see him.
Instead, it’s about spending just enough time away from each other that you feel energized and enthusiastic. You have new experiences, and new things to talk about. You get the enjoyment of looking forward to telling your partner about “what happened today”.
You maybe even get to miss each other a little bit!
The world is an exciting place, and forcing yourself to experience it only through the lens of relationship is a guaranteed way to create fatigue - and boredom in your relationship.
You can avoid this by creating a balance of “me time” versus “we time” in your relationship - absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you’ll actually strengthen your bond by taking a little time away from it.
• You might need to change your ideas, not your partner!
If you believe “commitment” is about spending every waking moment together, you
Are Your Hopes For The Relationship Unreasonable? How To Tell When You’re On The Right Track
It’s natural to feel excited and want more for the two of you. But putting pressure on your partner to fulfill unreasonable expectations is a recipe for disaster, not committed love.
Chances are that if your expectations ARE unreasonable, your partner’s been feeling the pressure already (even if you don’t think you’ve said anything obvious, men are pretty perceptive.) And codependency has a bad rap for a good reason: it’s unhealthy, it’s unsexy, and, well, it’s actually kinda boring.
(You don’t really want to be one of those couples in the matching bowl-cuts and his’n’hers outfits, do you?)
But even if you can see that you’ve made some mistakes so far, don’t worry. Just keep reading. The important thing is that you’re learning and growing, and just by reading this book, you’re renewing your commitment to yourself to create the healthiest, happiest relationship possible.
As long as you can acknowledge your behavior (to yourself) and take a step back right now - ease off the pressure, the tears, the bad feelings (and don’t worry about trying to make it up to him just yet) - everything will likely be fine.
You’re about to learn the tools for creating a rock-solid commitment where you NEVER have to feel insecure, alone, cold, or lonely again.
Navigating The 5 Stages Of Commitment: How To Get From “Hello” To “We’re Soulmates” In 5 Easy Steps