One of the best ways to look at politeness (consideration, respect, etc.) in interpersonal communication is in terms of both positive and negative politeness, concepts introduced in Chapter 3 (pp. 75–76). You’ll recall that both of these forms of politeness are responsive to two needs that each person has: (1) Each of us wishes to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably; this is referred to as maintaining positive face. And (2) Each of us desires to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish; this is referred to as maintain- ing negative face. Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, involves behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face.
Politeness and Directness
Messages that support or attack face needs (the latter are called “face-threatening acts” or FTAs) are often discussed in terms of direct and indirect lan- guage. Directness is usually less polite and may infringe on a person’s need to maintain negative face—“Write me the recommendation.” “Lend me $100.” Indirectness allows the person to maintain autonomy (negative face) and provides an acceptable way for the person to refuse your request.Indirect messages also allow you to express a desire or preference without insulting or offending anyone; they allow you to observe the rules of polite interaction. So instead of saying, “I’m bored with this group,” you say, “It’s getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow,” or you look at your watch and pretend to be surprised by the time. Instead of say- ing, “This food tastes like cardboard,” you say, “I just started my diet” or, “I just ate.”
Sometimes indirect messages allow you to ask for compli- ments in a socially acceptable manner. In saying, “I was think- ing of getting my eyes done,” you hope to get the response “Your eyes? They’re perfect as they are.”
As noted in the Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research box (p. 113), women are more polite in their speech and, not surprisingly, use more indirect statements when mak- ing requests than do men. This difference seems to have both positive and negative implications. Indirect statements, in be- ing more polite, are generally perceived positively; yet they may also be perceived negatively if they are seen as being weaker and less authoritative than more direct statements. Partly for cultural reasons, indirect statements also may be seen as ma- nipulative or underhanded, whereas direct statements may be seen as straightforward and honest.
VIEWPOINTS How would you describe the level of direct- ness you use when talking face-to-face versus the level you use in social networking? If you notice differences, to what do you attribute them?
Influences on Politeness
Politeness is considered a desirable trait across most cultures (Brown & Levinson, 1987). Cultures differ, however, in how they define politeness. For example, among English speakers politeness involves showing consideration for others and presenting yourself with confidence and polish. In Japanese it involves showing respect, especially for those in higher-status positions, and presenting yourself with modesty (Haugh, 2004). Cultures also vary in how important they consider politeness as compared with, say, openness or hon- esty. And, of course, cultures differ in the rules for expressing politeness or impoliteness and in the punishments for violating the accepted rules (Mao, 1994; Strecker, 1993). For example, members of Asian cultures, especially those of China and Japan, are often singled out because they emphasize politeness and mete out harsher social punishments for violations than would people in the United States or Western Europe (Fraser, 1990).In the business world politeness is recognized as an important part of interpersonal in- teractions. In one study some 80 percent of employees surveyed believed that they did not get respect at work, and 20 percent felt they were victims of weekly incivility (Tsiantar, 2005). Rudeness in the workplace, it’s been argued, reduces performance effectiveness, hurts creativ- ity, and leads to increased worker turnover—all of which is costly for the organization.
Culture is, of course, not the only factor influencing politeness. Your personality and your professional training will influence your degree of politeness and how you express politeness (Edstrom, 2004). And the context of communication will influence politeness; formal situa- tions in which there is considerable power difference call for greater politeness than informal circumstances in which the power differences are minimal (Mullany, 2004). And, as men- tioned earlier, gender also influences politeness, as does your relationship stage (see Chapter 9, pp. 245–246).
Politeness in Inclusion and Exclusion
Another perspective on politeness can be seen in messages of inclusion and exclusion. Inclusive messages include all people present and ac- knowledge the relevance of others and are normally considered polite. Exclusive messages shut out specific people or entire cultural groups and are normally considered impolite.You see messages of exclusion in the use of in-group language in the presence of an out- group member. When doctors get together and discuss medicine, there’s no problem. But when they get together with someone who isn’t a doctor, they often fail to adjust to this new person. Instead, they may continue with discussions of procedures, symptoms, medications, and so on, excluding others present. Excluding talk also occurs when people of the same na- tionality get together within a larger, more heterogeneous group and use the language of their nationality. Similarly, references to experiences not shared by all (experiences such as having children, exotic vacations, and people we know) can serve to include some and exclude others. The use of these terms and experiences can exclude outsiders from full participation in the communication act (Sizemore, 2004).
Another form of excluding talk is the use of the terms of your own cultural group as uni- versal, as applying to everyone. In using such terms, you exclude others. For example, church refers to the place of worship for specific religions, not all religions. Similarly, Bible refers to the Christian religious scriptures and is not a general term for religious scriptures. Nor does the Judeo-Christian tradition include the religious traditions of everyone. Similarly, the terms
marriage, husband, and wife refer to some heterosexual relationships and exclude others; in
most of the world they also exclude same-sex relationships. Instead, consider the vast array of alternative terms that are inclusive rather than exclusive. For example, the Association of American University Presses (Schwartz et al., 1995) recommends using place of worship instead of church when you wish to include the religious houses of worship of all people. Similarly, committed relationship is more inclusive than marriage, couples therapy is more inclusive than marriage counseling, and life partner is more inclusive than husband or wife.
Religious scriptures is more inclusive than Bible. Of course, if you’re referring to, say, a specific
Baptist church or married heterosexual couples, then the terms church and marriage are perfectly appropriate.
For a brief discussion of some gender differences, see “Gender Differences” at tcbdevito.blogspot .com. What gender differences do you observe?
Politeness Online
The Internet has very specific rules for politeness, called netiquette or in the case of Twitter, twittiquette. Much as the rules of etiquette provide guidance in com- municating in face-to-face social situations, the rules of netiquette and twittiquette provide guidance for communicating politely online (McFedries, 2010). These rules not only make on- line communication more pleasant and easier but also improve your personal efficiency. Here are some key guidelines:n Familiarize yourself with the site before contributing. Before asking questions about
the system, read the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs). Your question has probably been asked before and you’ll put less strain on the system. Lurk before speaking; read posted notices and conversations before you contribute anything yourself. Observe the kinds of photos posted and the language used. Lurking (which, in online communication is good) will help you learn the rules of the particular group and will help you avoid saying things you’d like to take back.
n Be brief. Communicate only the information that is needed; communicate clearly, briefly,
and in an organized way. Don’t over-tweet. Communicate when you have something to say; not every one of your thoughts is worth a tweet or Facebook post. The same is true of photos; not everyone wants to see 27 photos of your cat.
n Be gentle. Refuse a request for friendship gently or ignore it. There’s no need to go into
great detail about why you don’t want to be friends with this person. And if you’re refused, don’t ask for reasons. Social networkers consider it impolite to ask for reasons why your request is refused.
Working with Theories and
Research
Based on your own observations of and interactions with men and women, what can you add to the discussion here?
Throughout this text, gender differences are discussed in a wide variety of contexts. In regard to directness, research finds that women are more indirect in giving orders, for example, than are men; they are more likely to say something like “It would be great if these letters could go out today” than “Have these letters out by three.” Men are more likely to be indirect when they express weakness, reveal a problem, or admit an er- ror. Generally, men will speak indirectly when expressing meanings that violate the masculine stereotype. Women are generally more polite and will express empathy, sympathy, and supportiveness more than men. One researcher distinguishes three broad sets of reasons or theories to explain gender differences in communication (Holmes, 1995):
n Biological Differences. Some theories argue that gender differences are due to innate biological differences. Thus, gender differences in communication, such as in politeness or in listening behavior, are the result of inherited biological factors that have evolved over millions of years.
n Socialization. Other theories suggest that gender differences are due to different patterns of socialization. Thus, the gender differences that you observe in communication are due to the ways in which boys and girls are raised and taught.
n Social Power. A third group of theories contend that gender differ- ences are due to inequalities in social power. For example, because of women’s lesser social power, they’re more apt to communicate with greater deference and politeness than are men.