One of the reasons why we suffer from lack of confidence is because we allow too many negative thoughts to invade our minds, which in turn can create feelings of failure and rejection.
The first activity below will appeal to those of you who have a preference for auditory experience (ie you like to hear and listen to information). The second activity will appeal to those of you who have a preference for visual experience (ie you like to see and imagine the information).The third activity will appeal to those of you who have a preference for kinesthetic experience (ie you like to touch, feel the information).
1. Create a positive letter or affirmation for yourself.
• Write a list of positive statements about yourself that you know are true – at least six.
• Write them in the present tense using positive language. If you have completed the visioning exercise in Chapter 10 use that for added rele-vance. Examples might be:
– ‘I am a great leader of change who can make a difference’;
– ‘I am a confident speaker’;
– ‘I add enormous value to this team’.
• Keep these positive affirmations with you at work and read them out loud twice a day for approximately three weeks.
• After a time you should be able to memorize these so you can apply them during any stressful situation in order to alleviate your anxiety.
2. Visualize yourself being successful. The ability to see yourself doing things well programs the mind to put those steps into action – the mind cannot differentiate between fact and fiction!
• Think of an occasion or situation where you do not feel confident, eg giving a presentation in front of a certain group of people;
• Close your eyes and watch yourself doing what you want to happen as if it is on a video tape. Consider:
– where you are;
– who is in the audience or who is with you;
– what you are saying and doing;
– how you are looking – how you are dressed and presented;
– the positive reactions from others to what you are saying and doing;
– the way you are handling the group – your words, your tone and your body language.
How to increase your self-confidence
• Play this tape over several times in your mind making the picture clearer and clearer each time.
• Notice the physiological changes you experience as you do this and how much more positive you feel about the event.
• Play it in your mind again just before the situation that you are not feeling confident about.
3. This activity is in two parts. Part 1 is a reflective activity to help you prepare for Part 2.
Part 1
Identify any individuals you feel less confident with. Choose one individual at a time and complete the following activity:
• Decide in what circumstances in particular you feel less confident with this individual, eg every time you interact with them, when you are at specific meetings.
• Identify what it is that the individual does or says that creates this lack of confidence in you.
• Identify what it is about how you perceive this individual that creates this lack of confidence in you.
• Identify what your feelings are on the occasions when you feel less confident with this individual.
• Identify how these feelings affect you physiologically.
• Identify what your words, tone and body language are like when you interact with the individual.
Part 2
Now refer to Figures 15.4 and 15.5, which appear in Chapter 15 on PQ, and answer the following questions:
• Using the information from Figures 15.4 and 15.5, decide how you would describe the influencing style that you use with this individual.
Is it:
– openly aggressive;
– passive–aggressive;
– passive;
– assertive?
• Using the information from both Figures 15.4 and 15.5, decide how you would describe the influencing style that this individual uses with you.
Is it:
– openly aggressive;
– passive–aggressive;
– passive;
– assertive?
• If you believe that the style you use with this individual is passive, you may need to use more of the push behaviours introduced in PQ to help you feel more confident and to be perceived as more confident by the other person.
Push behaviours include:
• proposing – giving views and opinions, making proposals;
• directing – stating what you need and expect of others;
• evaluating – judging ideas and opinions given to you by others;
• incentivizing – providing incentives to do something or the conse-quences of not doing something.
Some of your dialogue might sound like the following examples.
Proposing: ‘Jean – I think we should consider the proposal from the Osprey Group as they have given us a great discount. I am free this afternoon, can we meet at 3 pm?’
Directing and incentivizing: ‘Sally – I need us to reach a decision today about which supplier we are going to use. If we don’t, we will miss the opportunity of putting it into next year’s budget.’
Remember, you will want to match your tone and body language with the words.
If you believe the style you are using with this individual is aggressive or passive–aggressive, you may need to use more of the pull behaviours relat-ing to PQ as this will help you get a more encouragrelat-ing response from the other person. If the individual believes that you are willing to work to his or her agenda, he or she may change how he or she interacts with you.
Pull behaviours include:
• enquiring – asking questions to find out more from the other person;
• listening and pacing – actively listening, summarizing; matching the pace of the other person, going with their flow;
• being open to suggestions and ideas – being ready to admit mistakes, being open to other ways of doing things.
Some of your dialogue might sound like the following examples.
How to increase your self-confidence
Enquiring: ‘John, I heard you say you needed a Finance Status Report by 2 pm today, what would be the most helpful way for us to present the figures, given the few resources and tight deadline that we have?’
Being open to suggestions: ‘Mike, I was thinking about your suggestion again today and it sounds like it may have more mileage than mine – are you free to talk about it this afternoon?’
If you believe the style you use with this individual is assertive, you may need to consider which of the push and pull behaviours you are currently using. Are you using the same type of behaviours all the time with the indi-vidual? Have you got a balance of push and pull?
Remember, if you are prone to using push behaviours all the time, it may come across as aggressive. Likewise, if you only use pull behaviours all the time you may come across as passive.
It is important when you want to be assertive that you select a balance of push and pull behaviours so that the recipient feels that you are indeed capable of putting your views across but you are also happy to consider and take into account the views of others. Practise your different styles and notice what happens to your relationship with the individual and how you feel about that person and yourself. Remember to modify your behaviour accordingly, eg if the other person is using a lot of push behaviours in one discussion, you should start with pull behaviours and then move into push behaviours.
4. During the next four weeks, at the end of each day, write down any occasions when you have behaved either assertively, aggressively or passively. For the times you behaved assertively write down:
• who it was with;
• what caused the interaction to be assertive rather than aggressive or passive;
• how you feel about yourself;
• how you feel about the individual concerned;
• what you will continue to do to remain assertive.
For the times you behaved aggressively write down:
• who it was with;
• what caused the interaction to be aggressive rather than assertive or passive;
• how you feel about yourself;
• how you feel about the individual concerned;
• what push and pull techniques you will practise to make this interaction more assertive if you are faced with the same circumstances again.
For the times you behaved passively write down:
• who it was with;
• what caused the interaction to be passive rather than assertive or aggressive;
• how you feel about yourself;
• how you feel about the individual concerned;
• what push and pull techniques you will practise to make this interaction more assertive if you are faced with the same circumstances again.
How to increase your self-confidence