One of the largest obstacles people face when they’re trying to successfully interact with others is that they try to do too much at one time. New salesmen try to bring in 20 clients at one party. New employees try to make the perfect impression rather than just making a good one. Guys try to pick up girls under the false impression that they have to get them in bed that same night. People try to do way more than they should really be concerning themselves with. And by overextending themselves in this manner, they end up engaging in blatantly desperate and over aggressive behavior (which automatically results from their need to reach whatever ridiculous goal they’ve set).
Guys hitting on girls in a bar or club are perfect examples of what I’m talking about. In these situations, most of the difficulties that guys have in meeting women and taking things to the next level (even if that next level is nothing more than getting a phone number) stem from the fact that many of these guys are programmed by years of poor social conditioning to think that they have to do everything all at once. I’m not just talking on a conscious level. I’m also talking about a subconscious level… a level they aren’t even aware of. And it really is sad how deeply ingrained this limiting perspective is for most of them. They see a girl they’re interested in, and it’s immediately about having sex with her that very night. You watch The Real World
The cast members of The Real World have a lush, lavish house to take the girls home to. And a lot of them were cast in the first place because they’re already very sexy and attractive. AND they offer the intoxicating appeal of being on national TV. And speaking of intoxicating, virtually all of those people who go back with them are bombed out of their friggin’ minds. So if you think you have to consistently perform on this level, and you can’t figure out why you haven’t been succeeding, you might want to take a step back and see if you’re reaching a bit too far too soon.
Most guys are so used to being in a college atmosphere (where drunk sorority girls are either very easy or not interested at all) that they really don’t know any better than the old “wham bam thank you ma’am” approach to dating. They think that
relationships actually develop out of 3-hour interactions in some bar or at some frat party (thank you very much, Dawson’s
Creek). Their success rate has always been either all or nothing in one night. They’ve never really had to move things forward in a more constraining and logical environment like the world we actually live in. And for those who don’t know, in the real world, things take time. In the real world, things progress over a number of smaller, more deliberate steps.
It’s even worse for guys who have never even had the opportunity to enjoy success with women in a high-turnover setting like college. Not only are they also under the impression that it has to be all or nothing, but since they never did it in college, they don’t even have the experience or skill level to pull that limited proposition off.
In either case, the main reason guys often fail when they’re first introduced to more challenging environments is that they think they have to go from cheesy pickup line to the bedroom (or for some, the honeymoon suite) all in one flawless conversation,
them from successfully completing any necessary steps in the mating process. Put simply, guys screw up their chances because they’re trying to do too much in too small of a time window.
Take a minute and mentally put yourself in the position that I’m about to describe, and really try to get an understanding of all the feelings that would result from it:
You walk into a bar. Or a club. Or a bookstore. Or a concert. And you see this stunning, absolutely beautiful woman just standing there waiting for the right guy to come along and fulfill her every dream. Are YOU that guy? There’s only one way you know of to find out. You’re going to have to approach her. You’re going to have to deliver the ultimate pickup line. You’re going to have to get her phone number. And then when you have her phone number, you’re going to have to take her out to a pricey lobster dinner, serve her expensive champagne, and engage in a deeper conversation than she has ever experienced… a conversation that includes profound sharing of intimate dreams, a long list of things you have in common, and the innate feeling that you were meant to be together. Um… yeah.
Is this really the kind of pressure you want to be up against when you’re trying to pick someone up? Wouldn’t it be simpler if we never gave all the social programming around us an opportunity to make us think that we really had to reach this far this soon? Now with all of this said regarding the dangers of overextending yourself, I’m sure you must be asking: “How much is too much? What are the real limits we’re looking at here?” Well, let’s start by examining the truth behind one-night stands…