How many times in a relationship that’s about to end do you hear one of the parties cry ‘I need space’? The person saying this wasn’t actually telling you “you’re giving me something I don’t like.” They were actually saying “you’re giving me too much of something (namely, you)… and I don’t like it.” It was simply a situation of “contact overkill.” The person being dumped was simply offering too much of themselves, taking up too much of the other person’s time and energy, and putting themselves in a position where they could easily be taken for granted. And that is the absolute worst thing they could do.
You should never act in a way that implies you’re anything but a rare commodity. There should never be any doubt that being around you is a privilege, and not a right.
Certain authorities in the field of dating success might refer to this as ‘challenge’ or ‘the magic of missing you’ or something along those lines. And those are certainly applicable labels to put on it. But the way I look at it is that you’re simply giving the other person a little breathing room, even if they aren’t asking for it just yet. Humans, by the fundamental nature of their genetic code, are territorial creatures. And even if someone is in love with someone else on the conscious level, they will still
unconsciously jump into the ‘fight or flight’ response if they feel cornered in any way. And that includes feeling like their time, energy, and attention is being hoarded by the person they’re dating.
And remember, there’s also that basic psychological truth that we want most what we can’t have. But once we actually get it, we don’t want it anymore, so we don’t covet it the way we used to…
On the other hand, the harder we have to fight for it, the more we want it. The more we want it, the harder we fight. The harder we fight, the more we want… the harder we fight… the more we want it… and all of a sudden it’s like the chicken and the egg. The ‘wanting it’ and ‘fighting for it’ will automatically lead into each other.
It’s a fairly simple and pretty familiar equation: Supply goes down, demand skyrockets right up. For me, this isn’t a
manufactured or fake quality. For me, it’s a legitimate truth that my extremely hectic work schedule prevents me from showering girls with calls, e-mails, and every other form of attention that we’re programmed to automatically give when we feel like we’re in or at least starting to begin anything that can be interpreted as a relationship. Maybe you actually have the time to act like a lost sick puppy. But that doesn’t mean you should do it. Think about what you’re communicating about yourself if you act that way. Think about what that says about how valuable your time and attention really is.
Now a lot of the poor needy behavior I am advising against is usually a result of people getting overemotional in matters of the heart. Before you begin acting like you’re in love, you better stop and think about what being in love really means. Most people THINK they’re in love with whoever they’re dating at the time, even when they don’t actually ‘feel’ it inside of them. And they convince themselves of this simply because they’re so desperate to experience love and find out for themselves if it’s really worth all the hype. Usually, people are really only in love with… BEING IN LOVE. And I’m sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but I’ll say this anyway... The reason for this flaw in perception is because of all the social programming and conditioning we’ve been inundated with since the day we were born.
weathers all the storms that life brings and guarantees genuine fulfillment… is just not enough. Oh no, we need that Hollywood romance. We need that dramatic kiss in the rain. We need that love that sprouts over the course of only about 36 hours like we saw on Titanic.
We’re in love with that excitement. We’re in love with that enhanced reality. We’re in love with those fireworks. But what we don’t realize is that we’re really only in love with the
chemicals that our brains produce as a result of that interpretation of love.
Now I’m not telling you that love isn’t real or that love doesn’t exist. I’m simply saying that real love doesn’t come in a cereal box. And it doesn’t exist in some clichéd movie. So don’t bombard somebody you’re interested in with e-mails, calls, notes, or anything else that might scare them off.
I’m not saying don’t call. I’m simply saying don’t call ten times a day. I’m not saying don’t write. I’m just saying don’t write a declaration that you’ll give your last breath for just one more kiss. I’m not saying don’t show you care. I’m just saying don’t kill the person you’re interested in with kindness and attention. Now I want to be really careful here and qualify my remarks so that you don’t take them out of context. Many of you might be looking at the view I’m presenting you with as a truly new and radical way of approaching things. And so your natural inclination might be to jump to extremes. But this isn’t about going from the current extreme you’re living in all the way to the other side of the spectrum. It’s more about moving closer to the middle.
So when I say lean back a little, I really do mean only a little. Don’t ignore somebody you care about. Don’t blow them off because you’re scared they’ll get sick of you. Just make sure not to give them too much at once. That’s all you need. And that
There’s a real “sub-communication” to all of this. One in which what you do and what you don’t do speaks volumes without using even one word. Everything you communicate to someone else should have a deeper purpose to it. Every method you use to interact with another should have a specific intent. This is chess, not checkers. This is looking beneath the surface with everything you do. This is about the art of subtle communication. And that is what we’re going to explore in the next chapter.
It’s an undeniable fact that our successes depend on how well we relate to others. Put simply, we need to deal with other people in pretty much every aspect of life. But with this understanding in mind, we must also ask ourselves: what exactly are we relating to those around us?