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The Negotiation Tree begins with a simple instruction: Define the Problem. This first step in negotiation may seem very obvious, but its function is to make sure that you understand what the problem is thor- oughly enough to clearly communicate that there is a problem in a way your partner can hear and understand. Still, many couples’ problems re- main unsolved because, while one partner believes the problem is obvi- ous and self-evident, the other partner is confused or unclear about what’s wrong, or even unaware that there is a problem at all. Even when both agree there is a problem, they often cannot get the problem clearly de- fined so that both partners understand it or agree on it, they don’t com- municate well (or at all), or they disagree about what the problem is, as in the example of Rose and John, below. You may have had an experience similar to Rose’s:
Rose and John
Rose is a housewife, in her 40s, whose three children are grown (the youngest is in high school), who feels depressed and unhappy. For the last 25 years, Rose’s whole life has been focused on making her home pleasant, and caring for her children and husband, which was a full-time job. Now, gradually, her major role has become obsolete. The chil- dren are young adults and don’t need her very much, and
her husband, John, a lawyer, is away much of the time in his high-powered career. Rose is unhappy, but she has trouble understanding why. She tries to talk to John. Rose: John, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I feel bad. John: Gee, I’m sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go to the
Doctor?
Rose: No, it’s not that. My health is okay. I just feel listless
and tired.
John: Are you getting enough rest? Maybe you’re just recover-
ing from the flu you had last month.
Rose: (giving up) Yes, I guess you’re right.
John: Get some rest, and you’ll feel better. (ends discussion, goes back to the work he brought home)
Rose indeed has a problem, and one that will profoundly affect John if she becomes severely depressed or despon- dent, but neither of them can get clear enough about what the problem is. John tries (more than some spouses might) to be supportive and caring, but he hasn’t enough to go on, or the skills to find out more (and, subconsciously, he may really be afraid to know). He dismisses the problem, Rose gives up (she feels hopeless about fixing it anyway), and no negotiation takes place. If Rose and John cannot define what the problem is, there is no way they can begin to solve it. The problem is allowed to grow, to become more deep- rooted, and to create all kinds of little secondary problems: * Because Rose is depressed, she doesn’t do housework or cook, and John becomes angry.
* Rose feels so miserable, she is easy prey for an affair with a con artist who uses her and discards her, leaving her with massive guilt and even more depression.
* Rose is so depressed, she doesn’t respond sexually, so John is tempted to have an affair.
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Define and Communicate the Problem
creates all the havoc associated with addiction: emotional, physical, and/or financial.
In this way, a relatively normal, simple problem, because it was not clearly defined, and therefore could not be solved, can become a major catastrophe and even the cause for divorce.
When you are aware that something is wrong, defining the problem helps pinpoint and clarify exactly what is upsetting or uncomfortable, which makes it possible to communicate. And communicating clearly to a partner makes discussion of the problem possible. Surprisingly, couples often find that defining the problem is all they need to do to solve it, because once both people understand what the trouble is, the solution often becomes obvious.
For example, if Rose can clarify her problem enough in her own mind so that it is clear when she defines it for John, things go very differently:
Rose: (determined to communicate) John, I feel bad, I have
some ideas about why, and I need your help and understanding.
John: Gee, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve got a lot of work to do
tonight, but I’ll help if I can. What’s wrong?
Rose: (she’s thought a lot about it) I’ve been very listless and
tired, and I’ve thought about it, and I think I’m sad because I don’t feel needed enough any more.
John: (not getting it) Don’t be silly, hon, I need you. I wouldn’t
know what to do without you.
Rose: (not deterred) Yes, I know you do, but that’s not enough
to use all my time and talent. My life has changed, since the children are grown, and it’s changed much more than yours has. I need to discuss with you what I can do about it. If I don’t do something soon, the feelings I have now could cause some big problems for both of us.
John: (hearing, for the first time, that it’s important) Wow,
it sounds important, hon, and I do want to talk to you about it, but I have a lot of work tonight. Can we talk about it later?
Rose: (making a mental note to bring up the subject on the weekend) Yes. Now that I know you hear me, I can wait
until this weekend to talk. (Rose now knows they can get to
the next step, so she ends the discussion, and John goes back to the work he brought home. They’ll continue the negotia- tion process later.)
Because Rose has taken the time to get clear about what her problem is, she is more able to communicate it to John. She also knows, because she’s the one who feels that there
is a problem, that it’s her responsibility to follow up and
make sure she and John work together on it.
She is determined not to allow him to ignore the severity of the problem or to put her off, and she is prepared to help him under- stand that, unsolved, this will create problems for him, too.
This step, Defining the Problem, consists of both the mental exer- cise of getting clear about what the problem is for you (usually the most difficult part) and a communication exercise, in showing your partner three things:
1. That there is a problem, whether or not your partner is aware of it.
2. What the problem is, in your opinion.
3. The importance of solving the problem (in other words, how your partner will benefit from cooperatively solving this problem, even though he or she has been unaware of it until now).
Learning to clearly define the source of dissatisfaction or discomfort that first makes you aware of a problem, to communicate it effectively, to invite cooperation, and to recognize when you are being heard are the skills you will learn in this step of the Negotiation Tree.