Michelle: Yes, I do. (confirmation)
Carol: (“I” message) I feel like I do all the housework and
all the caring around here alone.
Joe: (paraphrasing; active listening) Sounds as if you feel
overworked and not cared about. (asking for information) Tell me more about that, I want to understand.
Don: (“I” message) I’m going to start riding my bike to
work on Thursdays so I can save time getting to night class.
Dale: (critical, negative response) It’s too dangerous. That’s
a terrible neighborhood and the traffic is fast and furious.
Don: (active listening) You’re afraid I’ll get hurt?
Dale: (calmer, confirms) Yes. It’s too dangerous. I don’t want
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Don: (asking for Agreement to Negotiate) I don’t want you
to be worried. Do you want to discuss the problem?
Dale: (relieved) Yes. I’d like to be part of your decision, too. Michelle: (“I” message) Lou, I’m getting more and more un-
comfortable about how we act with each other. I feel frus- trated, unappreciated, and criticized.
Lou: (defensive) Well, why don’t you talk back? Why don’t
you stand up for yourself? I’m not doing anything wrong.
Michelle: (paraphrasing; active listening) Do you think I’m
accusing you of doing something wrong?
Lou: (confirming) It sure sounds like it.
Michelle: (“I” message) I don’t want to accuse you, I care
about you and our relationship. I see a problem that could get out of hand, and I’d like your help fixing it. (asking for
agreement) Will you help me figure out what’s wrong and
what we both can do about it?
Lou: (calmer, but still wary) Well, when you put it that way,
I guess I’ll try.
Sometimes, active listening makes it clear that someone doesn’t quite understand, which gives you an opportunity to clarify it, as in the fol- lowing interchange between Michelle and Lou:
Michelle: (hurt, using “I” messages) When you made a joke
about how I broke the blender last night, I felt embarrassed and incompetent. It’s happened a lot and it’s a serious prob- lem for me.
Lou: (confused, paraphrasing) You’re feeling bad because I
comment on mistakes you make?
Michelle: (explains more clearly) Yes, but it’s more the way
you comment. When you make a joke, I feel like you’re put- ting me down. It’s an awful feeling.
Lou: (catching on, paraphrasing again) Being made fun of is
Michelle: (confirming) Yes.
Lou: (offering to negotiate) Now I understand. I didn’t re-
alize that my teasing upset you, and I wondered why you were so cold to me afterward. Do you want to see if we can sort it out?
Michelle: (agreeing to negotiate) Yes, I’d like to get it cleared
up. It’s creating problems for us.
Active listening allowed Michelle and Lou to get by a potential argu- ment and clarify what was being said enough to reach an Agreement to Negotiate.
Attentive Speaking
The third component of Effective Communication is attentive speak- ing. Although a lot has been written, by Dr. Gordon and many others, about active listening, attentive speaking is less well-known and less understood, because it is a technique taught mostly to salespeople and public speakers to help them keep the attention of their customers or audiences, and to make them more aware of whether they’re getting their ideas across (so they can convince more effectively, and thus sell more). It is a simple and highly effective technique that will help you communicate better with your partner, too.
Attentive speaking simply means paying attention, not only to what
you are saying, but to how your partner is receiving it. If you watch care-
fully when you want to get a point across, your partner’s facial expres- sion, body movements, and posture all will provide clues (looking interested, fidgeting, looking bored, eyes wandering, attempting to in- terrupt, facial expressions of anger or confusion, or a blank, empty stare) to help you know whether you are being understood. By using the fol- lowing guidelines, you can learn to observe your partner as he or she is listening to you, and see whether you are successfully communicating what you want your partner to hear, without any verbal communication from your partner. This is especially effective if your partner:
* Is not very talkative.
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Agree to Negotiate * Is the unemotional, strong, silent type. * Is easily overwhelmed in a discussion. * Is passive, depressed, or withdrawn.
Sometimes, such partners are reluctant to let you know if they have a negative reaction to what you are saying. If your partner is not receiving what you are saying as you intended, and you persist in talking without finding out your partner’s feelings, your partner could become more and more upset by what you are saying, stop listening, get very con- fused, mentally object or silently argue with you, or not want to be talked to at all. If you don’t use attentive speaking to see the clues, you can be chattering blithely along, and suddenly your partner will react with anger, misunderstand you, or just lose interest in listening, and all your efforts to communicate are wasted. By using the guidelines that follow, you can figure out when you aren’t communicating well or getting the reaction you want.
Using attentive speaking will help you:
* Avoid overwhelming your partner with too much information at once (because you will notice when he or she looks overwhelmed, bored, or distracted).
* Keep your partner’s interest in what you have to say (by teaching you how to ask a question when you see your partner’s attention slipping away).
* Understand when what you say is misunderstood (by observing facial expressions and noticing when they’re different than what you expect).
* Gauge your partner’s reaction when he or she doesn’t say anything (by facial expressions, body language, and attentiveness).
* Tell when your partner is too distracted, stressed or upset to really hear what you’re saying (by facial expressions, body language, and attentiveness).
Guidelines: Attentive Speaking
1. Watch your listener. When it is important to you to commu-
are saying that you forget to watch your partner. Keep your eyes on your partner’s face and body, which will let your partner know you care if he or she hears you, increase your partner’s tendency to make eye contact with you, and therefore, cause him or her to listen more carefully.
2. Look for clues in your partner’s facial expression (a smile, a
frown, a glassy-eyed stare) body position (upright and alert, slumped and sullen, turned away from you and inattentive) and movements (leaning toward you, pulling away from you, fidgeting, restlessness). For example, if you say, “I love you” and you observe that your partner turns away and looks out the win- dow, you are getting clues that you weren’t received the way you wanted to be. Either your partner is too distracted to hear you, or he or she is having a problem with what you said.
3. Ask, don’t guess. If you get a response that seems unusual or
inappropriate to what you said (you think you’re giving a compli- ment, and your partner looks confused, hurt, or angry; or you think you’re stating objective facts and your partner looks like he or she disagrees; you’re angry, but your partner is smiling), ask a gentle question. For example, “I thought I was giving you a compliment, but you look annoyed. Did I say some- thing wrong?” or, “Gee, I thought you’d be happy to hear this but you look upset. Please tell me what you’re thinking” or “I’m angry about what you just said, but you’re smiling. Did I misunderstand you?” or just “Do you agree?”
4. Don’t talk too long. If your listener becomes fidgety or looks
off into space as you talk, either what you’re saying is emotionally uncomfortable for your partner, the time is not good for talking (business pressures, stress, the ball game is on), your partner is bored, or you’ve been talking too long.
If you think you’ve been talking too long or your partner is bored, invite your partner to comment: “What do you think?” or “Do you see it the same way?” or perhaps “Am I talking too much (or too fast)?” If you think it’s a bad time, just ask: “You look dis- tracted. Is this a good time to talk about this?” (If it is a bad time, then try again at a different time.)
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5. Look for confusion. When you’re paying attention as you
speak, incomprehension and confusion are also easy to spot. If your partner begins to have a blank or glassy-eyed look, or looks worried or confused, you may be putting out too many ideas all at once, or you may not be explaining your thoughts clearly enough. Again, ask a question: “Am I making sense to you?” “Am I going too fast?” or, “Do you have any questions?” Sometimes, just a pause in what you are saying will give your partner the room he or she needs to ask a question and get his or her confu- sion cleared up.
6. Don’t blame. Blaming your listener—for example, by insist-
ing that he or she just isn’t paying enough attention—will only exacerbate the problem. Instead, ask a question, such as, “I don’t think I’m explaining this clearly. Have I lost you?” or, “Am I bringing up too many things at once?” Phrasing the questions to show that you’re looking for ways to improve your style and clar- ity invites cooperation and encourages teamwork.
By using the above guidelines, you can find out immediately, as you are speaking, if you are communicating well with your partner. If you see signs of confusion or trouble, as Lou does in the following example, you can put things back on track quite easily.
After a busy period when Michelle and Lou haven’t had much time for relaxation or with each other, they are in the kitchen getting breakfast before work:
Lou: Hey, Michelle, I sure love you.
Michelle: (Looks out the window and says nothing.) Lou: (attentive speaking, asks for response) Hello? Michelle,
did you hear me? You looked away. Are you just tired, or is there a problem?
Michelle: (angry) I was thinking “talk is cheap” but I didn’t
want to say it.
Lou: (active listening, paraphrase) Do you mean that you
Michelle: (calmer, using mostly “I” messages) Oh, I know
you love me. It’s just that I’ve felt neglected lately. You haven’t been attentive, we haven’t spent any time together, and I’ve missed it. Saying “I love you” isn’t enough.
Lou: (acknowledging, asking for negotiation) You’re right.
We’ve been way too busy, and I miss you, too. Let’s take some time off Saturday from chores and things, and sit down and discuss our schedule, so we can make more time for us.
Michelle: (agrees to negotiate) We do need to figure some
things out, and it would be nice to talk. It’s a date for Saturday.
Lou’s attentive speaking made him aware that Michelle didn’t re- spond, and because of it, they were able to make an Agreement to Nego- tiate. “I” messages, active listening, and attentive speaking can improve your communication so much that you can usually overcome most of the barriers to getting an Agreement to Negotiate because your partner will feel cared about and listened to, and will not be as likely to get defensive, competitive, or argumentative. As you practice following the guide- lines and become familiar with these Effective Communication skills, you’ll find them very useful in all the steps of cooperative negotiation, in many of the exercises in the book, and even in your conversations with friends, family, and business associates.