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In State Your Wants, you and your partner learned to identify and communicate what you want. Once you understand each others wants clearly, you will discover one of three things:
1. The solution is obvious. Your wants are so similar or compat- ible that the solution is obvious, and the problem is solved. It was merely your lack of understanding, miscommunica- tion, or lack of awareness that created the problem. When that happens, it’s not necessary to explore options because the problem is already solved for you, as in the case of John and Rose’s problem in Chapter 5. If clarifying your wants has led you to believe that your problem is virtually solved, you can skip directly to the section called Decide and Con- firm Your Decision (page 215).
2. Your wants seem compatible. Your wants seem similar enough to be easily reconciled, but you haven’t come to a definite solution. In this case, you will feel reassured by knowing what you both want, and proceed to creatively explore new options (brainstorm) and discuss them until the solution becomes clear. When Carol and Joe clarified their wants about
which was compatible, but they still have to come up with a solution.
3. Your wants seem in conflict or unsolvable. Often, although your wants are clear and mutually understood, they are conflicting and a mutually satisfactory solution isn’t obvi- ous. Paul might want a beach vacation (to swim and relax in
the sun) while Mary wants to go to the mountains (to hike and get exercise and clean air). Fred might want sex three times a week, and Naomi might prefer once every two weeks. Don and Dale might struggle over what seems like not enough space in the house for both of them to have their offices there.
When your wants conflict, finding a mutually satisfactory solution is more difficult than when they are compatible, but not at all impossible. In this chapter, you will learn to find a workable, mutually satisfying solution and avoid your old, competitive habits, such as power plays and rescues. Explore Your Options and Decide is the part of the Negotiation Tree that most of us think of as the “problem-solving” part of solving a problem—developing possible solutions, determining the best options, and making a decision.
Explore Your Options and Decide is usually the easiest step of the Negotiation Tree, and the most fun because you have done all the work of creating an atmosphere of cooperation, mutual caring, and clear com- munication in the previous steps. Now you and your partner get to play with ideas, to consider both fantastic and practical options, and to pool your creative energy by brainstorming. This creative approach to the problem will encourage you to break your stalemate by developing new ideas and options to reach a mutually satisfactory solution. You will also learn how to experiment and explore new possibilities to see if they might work.
Whether your problem is simple (dividing up housework) or com- plex (solving sexual problems or money worries), following the guide- lines and techniques in this chapter will lead you to success.
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Skills and Barriers in Exploring Options
Exploring Options means thinking of as many possible solutions to choose from as you can. The more choices you have, the more likely that a mutually satisfactory solution can be found. The skills you will learn to facilitate Exploring Options and deciding are:
* The Abundance Worksheet, which helps you overcome the fear that your problem cannot be solved by teaching you how to gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics under- lying the problem, and look at it from a new, more creative perspective.
* Brainstorming, in which you creatively think of new op- tions until you have enough to solve the problem.
* Research and experimenting, which help you gather more information when you can’t figure out a mutually satisfac- tory solution.
* Deciding, a simple process of picking the best option out of several.
* Confirming the decision, which makes sure you have not over- looked any confusion or misunderstanding in your choice. * Celebration, which acknowledges and confirms your suc-
cessful decision, and creates confidence in your ability to solve problems and enthusiasm for the next negotiation. * Renegotiation, which takes the pressure off your decision
making by allowing you to accommodate unexpected out- comes or situation changes.
The barriers that are likely to get in the way of Exploring Options and Deciding are:
* Apparent scarcity: feeling anxious that the problem is un- solvable, which can tempt you to compete, power play, or rescue, thus preventing you from finding coopera- tive solution.
* Hopelessness: becoming overwhelmed by trying to solve all possible aspects, past, present, and future (which are
usually unforeseeable) of the problem now, which discour- ages both of you and makes creative thinking difficult. * Confusion: misunderstanding or mistaking your agreement,
which leads to thinking you have the problem solved when you don’t.
* Criticism: stifling brainstorming by being critical of sug- gested ideas, which prevents you from freely suggesting new options, and limits the possible solutions to the problem. If you are caught up in any of the above barriers, you may not see all the possible options (and therefore, not be able to make the best choice) because your anxiety about your differences will interfere with your cre- ative thinking. In most cases, it is actually only the perception of the people involved that no possible mutually satisfactory solution can be found, or that someone’s wants will have to go unsatisfied, or that the problem is impossible to solve.
If you do get stuck in what seems to be an impossible problem, instead of letting your fears push you into competing and arguing, you can recognize that it is just an apparent scarcity, and use the Abundance Worksheet in this chapter to examine your deeper wants and expand your boundaries to end the stalemate. You will probably find that there are plenty of workable options, and a mutually beneficial solu- tion can be found. Don and Dale used the abundance worksheet to break their power struggle and find out what lay behind each of their wants for an office, so each of them could understand the other bet- ter, feel less afraid of being unsatisfied, and work together to find a mutual solution.
Hopelessness can be overcome by a research project or experiment. If even the Abundance Worksheet doesn’t help, and you feel that you will never find a way to solve your problem, you probably don’t have enough information. Setting up a research project to gather more facts or an experiment to see which possible solutions might work will reassure you that a solution is possible, and give you the extra knowledge you need to find one. When Joe wasn’t sure that having a housekeeper would work for
him, he and Carol experimented with a housecleaning service on a trial basis before making their final decision.
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Even after you’ve reached a decision, it’s possible for one or both of you to be confused or to differ in your understanding of what the deci- sion is, so confirming the decision is a skill that helps you verify that you both know what solution you’ve agreed to. Joe and Carol found that
confirming their decision by writing it down eliminated their confusion.
Finally, even the best of solutions may not be workable forever be- cause situations and people change, so renegotiation will help you be flexible and able to adapt to change, and make finding a working solution less overwhelming. Being able to renegotiate at any time means you don’t have to be able to predict what might happen in the future in order to reach a decision today, because you can renegotiate if the situation changes.
Once you’ve reached a successful decision, celebrating your success helps you acknowledge what you have accomplished, put a clear and positive end to the negotiation, increase your warmth and goodwill, and reward yourselves for work well done.
When you have explored options through the Abundance Worksheet and brainstorming, made your decision, confirmed it and celebrated, your cooperative negotiation is complete, and you and your partner will have the satisfaction of successful teamwork, mutual support, and a mutually satisfying result.
Brainstorming
If the solution isn’t obvious as soon as you both know each other’s wants, it is necessary to create new ideas, until you find one that solves the problem to your mutual satisfaction. But old, habitual thinking can block creativity and make developing new options difficult. These old habits include:
* Rigid or limited ideas (“shoulds”). The belief that you can only do things in old, familiar ways (such as the way your family did it), can prevent you from considering new and better options.
* Criticism, which can stifle new ideas before they are even fully formed.