As adults we are responsible for satisfying our own needs and seeing to our own wants, and if we don’t know what we want, we’ll have trouble getting it and experience a lifelong feeling of deprivation, disappoint- ment, scarcity, and resentment. Feeling you can’t have what you want makes it difficult to express true generosity or support for your partner to have what he or she wants. Your enthusiasm, creativity, and motiva- tion to try and solve problems would be stifled if you believed there was no way to get what you want. Not knowing what you want, therefore, creates a false sense of scarcity, and also creates competition. When there appears to be a shortage (as in a gasoline shortage), competitive people don’t try to solve the problem so everyone can be satisfied (share cars, use alternative transportation), but compete for the limited supply. Knowing (and saying) what you want is essential to solving problems successfully
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within your relationship, because only then can you work together to come up with a mutually satisfactory solution.
Even more importantly, when partners state their wants, they often discover, to their amazement, that their wants are quite similar, and the problem disappears. The conflict between them was only their lack of understanding and communication. Until they were honest about what they wanted, each assumed the other wanted something different. In simple negotiations, after both partners have stated what they want, they may find that they’re essentially in agreement, and the problem will then easily be solved.
In the last chapter, John and Rose had Set the Stage for their negotia- tion, and now it’s after supper, and they’re settling down to talk, but neither of them has taken the time to think about what they want:
John: (taking responsibility and cooperating in the nego- tiation) Okay, Rose, you said you had a problem now that
the kids were grown, and you felt unneeded. What do you think would fix it?
Rose: (vague) Oh, I don’t know. Maybe we could do more
together.
John: (defensive) Rose, you know that’s not possible. I’m too
busy at work. Be realistic.
Rose: (feeling helpless and confused) I’m just so depressed. I
don’t know what to do.
John: (taking over) You need to go see a doctor, like I said
before.
Rose: (giving up) Oh, I guess you’re right. End of discussion.
As a result of not Stating and Exploring Wants, both Rose and John are confused and vague, unable to discuss what they want specifi- cally enough to reach a solution, so they end up discouraged and frus- trated, and less inclined to believe that negotiation will work. On the other hand, if Rose and John are following the Negotiation Tree and they take the time to get clear on what they want, the discussion goes differently:
John: (taking responsibility and cooperating in the nego- tiation) Okay, Rose, you said you had a problem now that
the kids were grown, and you felt unneeded. What do you think would fix it?
Rose: (clearly stating what she wants) Well, John, I’ve been
thinking about it, and I know I want to find something mean- ingful to do. I’m a caretaker by nature, and I’m sure someone can use my skills. At the same time, I don’t want to disrupt our relationship, or make you unhappy. I know you’re used to having me here. So, I need to find out what’s most important to you about the way we’ve always done things.
John: (stating his wants) Rose, I am aware that you’re un-
happy, and I would much prefer to see you happy. But, you’ve always been my support system, and I don’t want to lose that. I want to be able to call you up and ask you to do something for me, or bring home business associates for dinner, or just have my usual dinner at the usual time. It really lessens my job stress to have your support.
Rose: (considering possibilities) That doesn’t sound too dif-
ficult. If I volunteered or took some classes, I might not al- ways be able to be there at the very moment you want me, but I was often gone when the kids had to go to the doctor or something, and we always worked that out. Maybe we could work this out, too.
Rose and John find when they remain calm and centered, and clearly state their wants, they are not so far apart. The energy they would have previously lost to arguing can be put into carrying out the solution to the problem.
On the other hand, if you are used to competing rather than cooper- ating when faced with a problem, what you and your partner want can
appear to be so different and seem so incompatible that solving the
problem will look impossible at first. But, if you persevere and com- plete the whole Cooperative Problem Solving process, you will realize that discovering how different your wants are does not mean they’re unsolvable.
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Summarizing Rose’s and John’s wants, the “facts” might look like this:
Now that their wants are clearly expressed, Rose and John can under- stand each other. The problem is clear, which will make it easier to pro- ceed to developing their options for solving it. The normal tendency for many people would be to worry about how far apart some of their wants seem. However, in Cooperative Problem Solving, we do not focus on the difference in this step, because that would tempt us to censor our wants and make it difficult to figure out and communicate what we want. The emphasis here is on what wants would have to be satisfied for you to be happy.
Skills for Stating Your Wants
In Stating and Exploring Wants, you will develop the following skills: * You’ll become aware of everything you want.
* You’ll learn to communicate it clearly to your partner. * You’ll learn to listen to your partner’s wants without
making assumptions, getting discouraged, jumping to conclusions, or getting anxious.
In this chapter you will learn what to do if you become stuck in your negotiation, and how to keep yourselves motivated and hopeful about the solution. The exercises will help you explore your wants and your attitudes about wanting, in order to clear the way to having
Rose
I want something meaningful to do.
I want more time for me. I want to preserve our marriage I want you to be happy, too.
John
I want you to be a support system for me: run errands, prepare meals, and entertain business associates. I want you to be available, as you always have been.
I want to preserve our marriage. I want you to be happy, too.
what you want, while ensuring that your partner has his or her wants satisfied.