The exercises in the Defining the Problem section (listed below) will teach you skills to overcome all four of these barriers, including: confu-
sion, rebellion and compliance, “shoulds,” and secret expectations.
* A Problem Inventory: Will help you define and
communicate your needs and wants clearly, so both you and your partner can understand the problem and learn to translate your negative statements (what you don’t want) to positive statements (what you want). This overcomes the barrier of confusion.
* A Compliance and Rebellion Inventory: Will help you recognize and disarm competition, or compliance and rebellion when it arises.
* Guidelines for Creating Permission: Will teach you how to disarm “shoulds.”
* A Rights and Responsibilities Analysis: Will help you change your secret expectations into open agreements.
With these skills, you will be able to successfully Define and Com- municate Your Problem and move on to the next step, the Agreement to Negotiate.
Sometimes you know you’re unhappy, or that something is wrong, but it is difficult to get a clear enough idea of exactly what the problem is so you can convey it to someone else. In our experience, many people who come for counseling know they’re unhappy and that their rela- tionship doesn’t seem to be working, but are confused because they do not understand why. So, the first step toward helping to find a solution becomes helping them sort through confusion in order to Define the Problem.
It is quite easy to see that Rose is confused when she first tries to Define her Problem to John. Because she isn’t clear about exactly what the problem is, she can’t explain it effectively to John, and he, not know- ing how important it is, quite nonchalantly brushes the problem (and, incidentally, Rose) off.
Similar to John, most of us are not eager to have a new problem brought to our awareness in the middle of everything else we have to do. Most of us do not go looking for more problems to solve. So, if the problem is unclear, and doesn’t sound important, we are quite re- lieved to ignore it, and the problem doesn’t get solved until it grows into a big, unpleasant issue.
To be effective, you need to learn about how to communicate prob- lems to your partner in such a way that he or she can hear and under- stand, yet not feel defensive, overwhelmed, or hopeless about solving them. Good communication will make it more likely that you will have your partner’s help in solving the problem, and therefore, the difficulty will get satisfactorily solved.
Defining the Problem includes explaining to your partner why solv- ing the problem is beneficial to both of you, because, until your partner understands the gains to be derived from solving it, it won’t seem worth the effort and the problem will seem to be only yours. The better you are at defining it, and making it clear why and how “your problem” will im- pact on your partner, the more motivated your partner will be to help you solve it.
When you recognize that a problem exists because you are uncom- fortable, unhappy, or dissatisfied in some way, but you feel vague or
Confusion
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confused about exactly what it is, the following problem inventory will help you define and understand the problem clearly. You can greatly en- hance the effectiveness of your communication with your partner if you take the time to list and evaluate the problem indicators and create a clear statement of the problem, because you’ll understand what’s wrong enough to explain it. A clear explanation will motivate your partner to want to solve the problem because the benefit will be understood, and you’ll be able to work together cooperatively to solve problems faster and easier, before they become a source of trouble.
Exercise: The Problem Inventory
To do this exercise, you’ll need a pencil or pen and paper, some quiet, undisturbed time, and a comfortable place to be alone, to think, and to write.
Choosing a simple problem to solve will make this Problem In- ventory (and also Defining the Problem) easier. But even if your problem is difficult or long-standing, the Problem Inventory will show you how to analyze the indicators that a problem exists, and help you understand why it is a problem for you, so you can communicate it more clearly to your partner.
1. List the problem indicators. No matter how confused or
uncertain you may be over what your problem is, you are aware of it. That means there is some feeling (sadness, anger, confu- sion), physical sensation (tightness in the chest, a tension head- ache), circumstance (one of you is procrastinating at doing chores or paying the bills), or interaction with your partner (one of you was critical or angry for no apparent reason) that has made you aware that there is a problem. These symptoms are problem in- dicators. Confusion is usually caused by a number of conflicting or competing ideas and feelings that are all trying to get your attention at once. By listing the problem indicators, you can see each one individually, and your confusion will lessen. On your paper, make a heading called “Problem Indicators,” and write down whatever experience or feeling that first indicated to you that there might be a problem. For example, Rose’s list might read:
Problem Indicators * I’m crying a lot. * I feel frustrated. * I feel useless.
* There’s not enough to do. * I’m eating too much.
* Unrealistic fantasy about having another baby. * John seems to be pushing me away.
List everything that seems to indicate you have a problem, even if they seem too obvious to mention, such as a fight between you and your partner, or too silly, such as a dream or a passing thought that seems connected.
The more complex or long-standing your problem is, the more time you will have had to develop and observe indicators, so the longer your list will be. Taking the time to think about why and
how you know there’s a problem will also help you to become
aware of the less obvious indicators because you’ll stop ignoring or glossing over them when you give them some thought. Don’t rush this step: Take enough time, at least 10 to 15 minutes. If you feel very confused about a particular problem, you may need to take longer on this step, putting your list down for a few minutes, an hour, or even a day or two, and adding to it as new insights occur to you. When you finally think your list includes all the important indicators, go to Step 2.
2. Evaluate your indicators. Review each Indicator on your
list. Look for central themes of emotion, things, or situations: Are your indicators about time, money, power or control, freedom, loss, comfort, sadness, anger, fear, self-criticism, or frustration? If there are several items about crying, depression, or loss, the theme would be sadness. If several items are about being rushed, no time to play, or wasting time, that’s a “time” theme. Identify- ing a theme of emotion, things, or situations gives you a way to evaluate and understand the hidden meaning of your indicators
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and organize them into categories, which will make the more subtle dynamics of the problem clearer.
Next to each Indicator on your list, write the appropriate theme. If you’re not sure what the theme for one Indicator is, put a question mark (?) next to it, and go on to the others. After you get through the rest of the items, that one may be clearer, and you can write the theme next to the question mark. If not, go back to Step 1, and think about it a little more, and see if you can find more indicators that will make the theme come clear. If it’s still not clear, put it aside until after you’ve done Step 3, and concentrate on the items you feel more clear about.
Here’s what Rose’s list looked like after this step: * I’m crying a lot (loss).
* I feel frustrated (?) [on second pass] (time, loss, self-criticism). * I feel useless (self-criticism).
* There’s not enough to do (time).
* I’m eating too much (self-criticism, comfort).
* Unrealistic fantasy about having another baby (loss). * John seems to be pushing me away (loss).
Rose’s list is about time (too much on her hands), loss (children grown up, John ignoring her, she cries), and self-criticism (she feels useless, eats too much) from which she needs to comfort herself (eating).
3. Put the themes into a sentence. Now, below your Indicator
List, write the themes you found. Rose’s list would be “time, loss, self-criticism.” Using these themes, compose a sentence or two that describes the problem. Rose wrote: “I’m experiencing loss because my children are gone and I have time on my hands. Now that I’m not taking care of them and John anymore, I criti- cize myself a lot, and I feel worthless.”
Rose’s problem was important and complex, so she didn’t come up with that sentence immediately. She had to think about her themes for a while first, and she also wrote several descriptions before she found the one that fit.
If your problem is simple, and your confusion is mild, (you’re annoyed about feeding the dog, and a little confused about whose job it “should” be), listing the indicators and themes may make the problem clear to you very easily. If the problem is more deeply rooted or long-standing, and you have a lot of confusion, like Rose, you will have to think about the themes for a while before you can relate them to each other and express your problem in sentence form. When you have completed your sentence, go on to the next step. If you have a lot of trouble identifying themes and creating a sentence, put this exercise aside, and do the exercises that fol- low in this chapter. As you explore your own relationship to rebellion and compliance, “shoulds,” and secret expectations, you’ll discover what blocks prevent you from clarifying the prob- lem. Then return to finish this exercise.
Note: Once in a while, during this exercise, someone will realize that the confusion is a result of some deep inner problem such as early childhood trauma, an addiction, a deeply entrenched be- havior, or severe emotional upset, that is too complex to be solved without help. In that case, take your Problem Indicator list with the themes to a therapist or counselor for guidance.
4. Review for clarity. Once you have clarified your confusion,
and have a description of the problem that you understand, the next step is to make sure it will be clear and not confusing to your partner. Review your descriptive sentence from Step 3 as though you were reading it for the first time, to see whether it’s clear enough to be understandable to your partner.
You may want to say it out loud, or tape-record it, to get the full impact of how it sounds. If you like, you can pretend your partner is sitting opposite you and practice explaining the prob- lem to him or her. Your purpose is simply to Define the Problem, and not to express your feelings. If you let frustration or resent- ment creep in, and phrase the problem in terms of blaming some- one (even yourself ), your partner will probably react with defensiveness and confusion, and you won’t be able to move ahead in your negotiation.
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Keep in mind that you’re describing the problem as you experi-
ence it. State it in terms of yourself.
For example, Rose will be more likely to be heard if she says, “I feel useless and not very important now that the children are grown,” than if she says, “The children never call, and you’re neglecting me.” John can be more sympathetic and less defen- sive if he doesn’t feel criticized or attacked. (If you now clearly understand what your problem is, but you cannot express it without resentment or fear, read the next section, compliance and rebellion.)
Review and refine your statement of the problem until you are ready to communicate it positively to your partner and you feel quite sure your partner will be able to understand it.
5. Learn from your experience. The final step of this exercise
will help you become more sensitive to the signals that tell you a problem exists, which will make recognizing and Defining the Problem easier as time goes on. Review what you’ve learned about your confusion while you were doing the previous steps of this exercise in order to analyze what your indicators are. For ex- ample, a tense feeling in the pit of your stomach, a headache, exhaustion, or depression might be an Indicator that shows up whenever you have a problem, and by becoming sensitive to these recurring signs, you can become aware of unsolved problems much sooner.
As you do this exercise several times for different problems, you will begin to see a pattern to the problem indicators. For example, Rose often eats too much when she is unhappy, but has not yet defined the prob- lem. By becoming aware of this Indicator, whenever she notices she’s overeating, she can immediately take the time to Define her Problem, stop the overeating, and handle the problem while it’s still small and manageable.
Your recurring indicators may include butterflies in your stomach, sleep disturbances or dreams, or irritability. Once you know these are just problem indicators they will not be as upsetting, and as you work on Defining the Problem, those indicators will subside. When you’ve done
this exercise many times, it will become quite easy to analyze your prob- lem indicators and Define the Problem quickly, without formally writ- ing them down.