14
A book on men would be incomplete without a chapter on how men define fighting with women. If a man says something and you respond with a tone that sounds like you don't approve of what he told you, he considers that conversation a fight. If you end up in a conversation where he states his opinion and you state your opinion and they aren’t the same, he considers that conversation a fight; even if the tone of your voice was calm and reserved. If you say something he has heard before that he doesn't like to hear and he is silent and you say it again with even a hint of frustration, he considers that a fight. If he says something to you and you are silent in response, he considers that a fight. If you bring up a topic and he changes the subject and you bring up the topic again, he considers that a fight. If your guy declares his feelings on a topic and you challenge the validity of his feelings, even in a teasing manner just so that you can hear his thoughts again, he will think that’s the start of a fight. In fact, if a man is uncomfortable on any level at all with a discussion, he will consider that discussion a fight. And if any of these situations happen more than once in a month between you, he will also believe that along with fighting, the two of you just don’t really get along.
The consequences of discussing a topic that a man thinks you "fight" over are this - he will not speak openly with you on that topic again. This doesn't mean you can't ask him questions about the topic, you can and he will answer them. But he will never again volunteer information to you on a subject that he has determined he will not receive your full support on.
And he will state that his resistance to being open with you is due to the fact that the two of you "fight."
I'm here to tell you. If, in a conversation, you vehemently convey your own opinion, speak firmly, debate, mildly argue, bicker, reiterate your point or express frustration, your man will classify communication between the two of you as "We fight and we don't get along."
Debate, argue, bicker or reiterate too often with your man, and he will determine that the two of you "never get along" and eventually he will look elsewhere for amiable female conversation.
Will he find it? Temporarily maybe, or if she's a really good listener he might enjoy conversation with her for a bit longer, but if the other woman thinks for herself or speaks out in support of her own thoughts, eventually he will determine that the two of them
"…don't really get along either." and he will either return to you or he'll wander off in search of yet another woman to talk to.
The thing is, men like to talk with women. They just like the conversation to be one where the man says something interesting and the woman agrees with him without having an opinion of her own. Well, other
than the opinion that she thinks that what he said was interesting.
So, if you're like me, then you're probably asking yourself, “If not agreeing with my man is considered a fight even if I don’t get mad, then what is all that other stuff called where I really do get mad and occasionally yell?”
Are you ready? In his world, if you get emotional, yell, scream, curse, freak out or slam pots and pans around, he thinks you are crazy. Loony. Nuts. On the brink of needing medication or hospitalization.
I know. It boggles the mind.
Right about now you probably want to scream, DOES ANYONE REMEMBER?!!
We discussed everything when we were dating. When I had an opinion he used to agree with me. He told me he loved my strong will and determined spirit. We used to debate over which place to order pizza from.
When we couldn’t agree, we would both laugh. He told me that he's never gotten along with anyone the way he gets along with me. He proposed, I accepted and now we’re married and I’m still who I was when we dated, but he acts withdrawn when I try to talk to him.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
First of all, he’s withdrawn because he’s afraid of getting into a “fight” with you. With so many
definitions of what constitutes a “fight,” it’s no wonder men are mostly silent around the women they love.
They literally think that anything they say is going to lead to a fight because they believe there are so many ways to get into a fight with a woman.
What happened was this. When you’re dating your man, you say, “I don’t like cooking.” And he says,
“Great, neither do I.” But what he’s really thinking is,
“Can we have sex now?” Then you say, “I will never want to be the perfect housewife.” And he says,
“That’s ok, I love you just the way you are and I love that you’re so confident about what you want.” But what he’s really thinking is, “Can we have sex now?”
So you end up married and for the fifth time he asks,
“Why don’t you cook dinner like my friend’s wife does?” And you respond with, “You knew when you married me that I would never cook dinner. I told you that and you said that was fine. What has changed?”
You sound angry when you say it. And he doesn’t respond. He’s silent. But what he’s really thinking is,
“Why can’t we get along?”
I know, once again, it boggles the mind.
The thing is; men are simple and somewhat hypocritical. They know that they have certain needs and they fill those needs with you. They don’t want to change how they do things in order to make you happy, they just want their needs met. So they may ask you the same question many times and expect that each time they ask, you will respond to them with patience and love. But, if you ask them a question more than once, be prepared; your man will think you’re trying to start an argument.
Let’s face it, the way we women question our men when they’ve done something to tick us off is different than questions rooted in negotiation. To a man, questions like, “What made you do that? When are you going to do that?” and “Why do you think like that?” sound accusatory and they are. They are actually more accusation than question, designed to put your man in a spot where he’s going to have to work on his defense in order to get back into your good graces.
Another thing these questions do is to force your man to take partial responsibility for your happiness. Tell the truth…. When you question your man like this what you are really trying to say is, “I’m unhappy and it’s because of you!” and “I want you to make me happy, so tell me why you made me unhappy!” This type of blameful questioning makes everyone feel bad and feel cornered.
It is explained throughout this book that YOU have to be responsible for your own happiness. As weighty as that responsibility is, it never stops. It is your responsibility 24/7 to learn how to make choices that will make you happy.
I know you want to understand your man and to be understood by your man, but understand this:
When a man wants to understand something, barring any afflictions, he will understand it. And if a man doesn’t want to understand something, then no matter how much effort you make so that he can understand, he won’t understand.
Some insight on what’s expected of you by your man in conversation is exemplified by how men behave around each other. Men do not disagree with each other. They may not agree, but they don't openly disagree.
How many times has your husband, boyfriend or friend said to you, “I really don't like that guy.” Surprised, you responded with, “I had no idea. You don't act like you don't like him. You're nice to him.” That's how guys behave towards each other. They don't debate, argue, bicker or reiterate with each other. They may get frustrated later - in private, but they don't openly express this. They rarely say what they really think most of the time. Instead, men just “do.” They try to involve each other in an activity and if one of them doesn't want to do it, that person doesn't do it and the rest of them determine that the one that didn't join in, doesn't like that activity. So, he gets his point across by not participating and he doesn’t have to use words or an attitude. Men rarely say they don't like something, they just don't do it and by not doing it, the other men around them understand that they don't like it.
When a man wants to do something, he does it.
If he doesn’t want to do something, he doesn’t do it.
Here’s an example. When a guy wants to use red on a project and says he is using red to his friend, his friend may respond with, “Red’s ok.” What his friend is really thinking is, “I would never use red for that, I would use blue.” But he won’t state his opinion out loud.
Because to say it out loud would seem like he’s
provoking an argument. Say a guy wants to go somewhere and he asks another guy to go with him; if the guy doesn’t want to go, he’ll say, “I might be busy then, let me get back to you.” What he’s really thinking is, “I don’t want to go there. I’m not going.”
But to say what he really thinks would seem like he’s provoking an argument. Men know that if you provoke enough arguments, even other men won’t want to be your friend!
So now you're asking yourself, what do I do? I can't change the way I am, I disagree with things that he does. He pisses me off with his behavior. I've read all the other self help books. I'm supposed to stand up for myself, call him out when he acts unfairly. I'm not supposed to stuff my feelings inside; that's unhealthy.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
Let me start by saying that you're right. You are exactly the way you're supposed to be. You’ve got the right blend of conscience, morality, responsibility, compassion, fairness and love. You shouldn’t have to change who you are, because you have evolved into who you are through a process of experiences. Very important, invaluable experiences. But, if you want to stay on what your man determines are good terms, then you need to change how you express yourself when you respond to him.
Certainly, he does stupid things and he pisses you off.
But before you throw a fit which he will determine is
"You acting crazy," think. Think about how you can adjust to the situation, or how you can express your emotion in a proactive way - with an action that might
offset experiencing this same situation another time.
Or really just think of the person you are involved with.
If you’re married, try to remind yourself of all the reasons you married him. Place those reasons in a more important place - higher up on your emotional list - than the spot which currently holds your anger. If you make your anger more important than your love, then what you're really conveying to your man is that you are more important than he is. And while we've all heard the lectures on taking care of yourself first, we know, to use actions or words to say to another person that my feelings are more important than yours, will hurt them. Hurt the people you love frequently enough and love stops being a good enough reason for them to stay with you.
Be honest with yourself, is your man a stranger to you?
Can you really say that you didn’t know he would do the things he does which aggravate you? If you are experiencing hurt from your man for the first time, I am sorry that you were hurt. But now, you are empowered. Now you know what he will say or do and you can choose not to be in this position again.
That’s not to say a trying situation won’t sneak up on you while you’re busy paying attention to another responsibility; it might. But for the most part, now that you know how your man makes choices, you can work in conjunction with his choices or you can work around his choices so that you can remain happy.
I have to say as well, that if you are only dating someone and he makes choices that you don't agree with and you continually find yourself expressing anger or frustration to him over his choices, you may want to
rethink your future involvement with him. Or at the very least, consider marrying someone else.
Truthfully, in order for confrontation to be effective and not destructive, it should only be used when you feel everyone involved in a situation needs to stop hedging and come clean about their feelings. If you utilize confrontation every time something happens that isn’t to your liking, then you will end up with a man who retreats from you emotionally and will eventually retreat from you physically.
I know this is blunt. But the truth is what it is.
However your guy is, that's how he will be in a marriage with you. Period. He will not change. I mean it. Look at him. If you can't learn to love all the pissy, unreasonable behaviors now, then don't marry him, because those behaviors don't change after marriage. Never. Not ever. If you decide to marry him anyway and you end up bickering with him, he will at some point leave you. He may still pay the bills and sleep in your bed, but he will be absent emotionally.
Because, to a man, having a good relationship means…
NEVER HAVING OPPOSING OPINIONS.
Never. The two of you can behave differently. You can do different things. But if you discuss your differences, it will be interpreted as an argument. And if you debate those differences, he will determine that the two of you don't get along. And if you ever raise your voice and yell or God forbid, scream, he will think that now you have lost your mind and are crazy.
But don’t let that worry you, because as we learned in Chapter 13, if you’re crazy, he’ll slip into codependency mode and will love you forever. So you see it can all work out favorably, however you choose to be.
--- DISCLAIMER: There is a difference between the ridiculous way men perceive a lack of communication with women and verbal or emotional abuse. If you find yourself in a situation where in order to “get along”
with your man, you have to reject part of yourself, then you are with the wrong man.
You should also never tolerate anyone who says things to you that belittle you or degrade your feelings. No one should curse at you, refer to you in derogatory terms, verbally assault you or blame you for any deterioration in communication that was caused by abuse. This is abusive.
Several of the chapters in this book are meant to lightheartedly define circumstances between men and women that unnecessarily cause conflict. But in all circumstances, abuse is serious and should never be tolerated. I don’t know you, but I love you. Please love yourself more and leave an abusive man behind.