Another implication is that if we do not receive these entitlements, we are being cheated. These thoughts cause feelings of resentment and self-pity. Entitlement thinking is just another form of deficit thinking.
I strongly support the goal that we all have advantages such as basic health care, education, and lots of material possessions. However, I support these goals because I care about people's health and happiness--not because people are entitled to these advantages. I do not believe these modern advantages are essential to people's happiness.
The alternative to entitlement thinking is appreciative-assertive thinking. Appreciative-assertive thinking is believing in zero entitlement and zero rights. I am entitled to nothing: I was born into this world naked with no possessions and given my time in this world by powers beyond myself. I was not entitled to that time nor did I do anything to earn it. Ultimately I cannot "deserve" anything, because I would have nothing without having been given my life and my powers.
Therefore, I am eliminating the ideas of "earning," "deserving," "fairness," and "entitlement" from my basic way of thinking and from my vocabulary as much as is possible. We do not need these entitlement ideas; they just lead to resentment. We can replace them with ideas like "assertion" and "agreement."
I want to be happy myself and want others to be happy not because we deserve it, but because I want it and I love myself unconditionally. It is because I have chosen to make happiness of self and others my ultimate concern (or top goal). I choose it and I assert it; I don’t need to justify it or rationalize it as something I am entitled to.
Appreciative-assertive thinking is a form of abundance thinking. We start with zero minimal expectations. We may set goals to receive friendship, a good job, money, a nice home, or whatever else that might contribute to our happiness. We can work hard to achieve those goals. Yet there is no guarantee that we will obtain what we seek. Everything we receive is a bonus over our initial naked condition.
President John F. Kennedy recognized the pervasiveness and destructiveness of entitlement thinking when he stated, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." If I accept Kennedy's statement, I shift from being a needy person who must be taken care of by society to a person who is strong enough to take care of myself and has enough left over to give to society. Both society and I benefit from this shift in belief systems.
Deficit motivation is victim motivation; abundance motivation is power motivation. Ponder the figure of the twins--one with deficit thinking and the
other with abundance thinking--and consider the following.
● If I view myself as having an abundance to meet my needs, I feel happy, grateful, and peaceful. Getting more is fun. In this case the rich get richer.
● If I view myself as having a deficit of less than I need, I will feel like a victim--deprived, angry, or depressed. In this case the poor get poorer.
One of my clients came in because all of her previous relationships had ended "in disaster." Typically, they would begin with an initial period of happiness and fun. As they spent more time together and got closer, she began to feel more dependent on him for "making her happy." He began to feel pressure to be with her instead of desire to be with her. As he felt more trapped and more desire for freedom, she sensed his feelings and feared that he wanted out of the relationship. That in turn only caused her to get more "needy" and demanding for his time and attention--driving him farther and farther away.
She was terrified of being abandoned. As a result, she became possessive and tried to manipulate her partner into being with her every free moment. She also became jealous of other women. Her current relationship was "on the rocks" and looked as if it might end like the rest had. She was feeling very upset about its possible end and confused about why this kept happening to her.
We explored the problem more. She thought that everyone who had loved her had abandoned her. Her father, to whom she had been very attached, had left her at an early age. She had never felt close to her mother, who had resented taking care of her. Since she had been abandoned by everyone, she
secretly believed that it was at least partly because something was severely wrong with her. She had tried everything to become more appealing and attractive. In many ways she had succeeded. Yet men continued to leave her. Their leaving only heightened her worry, "Something is deeply wrong with my personality."
"All of my life I have wanted to find a man who would love me and never leave me." That was a key part of her problem. Where was she to find such a man? The problem started as a little girl. She developed the belief that to be happy she must have someone to love her and take care of her forever. Possibly because her father left her, this "must" became a top priority goal in her life-- possibly even her "ultimate concern."
The reality was that she had no close, affectionate, long-lasting relationship with anyone. So there was a huge gap between her "must have" expectation and her reality. This gap created a powerful deficit motivation. She felt "cheated" and a "victim" of others--especially men, because "No matter how hard I try to please them and make the relationship work, they always leave me. Men are 'flakes.'"
That was her point of view. Part of the problem was that she expected too much of men. No man would love her and stay with her "unconditionally." Almost any man would leave if he became too unhappy in the relationship.
It wasn't that all men were "flakes." Her fear of their leaving actually drove them away. She was so terrified of their leaving that she became possessive and manipulative. Her partners wouldn't tolerate this behavior for long.
In order to keep from being so possessive, needy, and manipulative, she had to greatly reduce her fear of being abandoned and being alone. She would have to feel calm when she imagined men leaving her.
Once I explained my hypothesis to her, she acknowledged that she had been afraid that something like this was going on, but she hadn't understood it so clearly. We worked on eliminating deficit thinking and developing abundance thinking. First, she needed to lower her expectations. She needed to question her old assumptions that to be happy, she must have a man love and take care of her.
She needed to accept her worst fear that she could be alone indefinitely. No matter how good a relationship she had, her partner could always leave or die. There was no absolute security that she would not be alone. No one owed her their time. That type of thinking only leads to deficit thinking, hurt, and deep resentment. Instead, she needed to have "zero expectations" that a man would love her and take care of her.
How could she learn to accept and to be calm about being alone? She could learn that she can take care of herself and make herself happy--especially during periods when she is alone. Expecting someone else to "make her happy" was unrealistic. Learning how to enjoy life living alone takes some skill and time. However, just believing in the possibility calmed her.
She also gave up her deficit thinking assumption that she and her partner should be together all of the time. She chose the "zero expectation" that, "I do
not automatically assume any togetherness. Any time together is a bonus for which I am grateful."
Consequently, she no longer needed to possess her partner; and she no longer needed to manipulate him into being with her. Her new approach delighted her partner and their relationship improved dramatically. More important, she was overcoming this long-term abandonment issue, and she was overcoming her fear of being alone. Her self-esteem was rising, and she was feeling much happier.
Summary: Deficit thinking has many negative consequences. When we
choose to continue believing that we have less than we "deserve" or "must" have, then we choose deficit motivation. The consequences of deficit thinking are feeling hurt or resentful. We may view ourselves as "victims."
Deficit thinking can even create paranoid type thinking: thinking that other people are actively trying to prevent us from getting what we deserve--when they are not. Negative assumptions about others often lead to either withdrawal from relationships or open anger and conflict.
Deficit thinking may focus more on "who is to blame" than on important issues. In addition, we may give ourselves negative messages that we are too weak to cope with the situation. We are too weak to make ourselves happy if we don't get what we are "entitled" to. These messages lower self-esteem.
Abundance thinking creates positive motivation. Abundance thinking starts
with having no assumptions about what we will receive in life. We develop zero expectations about what we will receive. We make zero assumptions about what anyone will give us. "Anyone" means God, nature, society, parents, peers, or any loved one. Everything we get is a gift. We receive the gift because the giver presented it to us, not because we "deserved" it.
What are the implications of abundance motivation in everyday situations? If I develop a disease and become disabled so that I cannot work, no one (including society) "owes" me anything.
Lack of obligation does not mean that we cannot choose to care for each other's welfare and happiness. If we care for our own and others' welfare, we will choose as a society to adopt social policies beneficial to all. For example, society can adopt a kind of social insurance, so that it will help people who are physically unable to earn an income. In that way we can all feel more secure about our fears that if we become disabled we will have an income. We develop a social policy because we choose to, not because society inherently "owes" it to anyone. Society develops a contract with its members. Social security works that way.
Let's apply abundance thinking to the example of a contract. If I contract with someone to provide a service, I expect to be paid after I do my job. However, I am not naive. Many events could prevent payment. Thus, overly expecting that the other person will keep his or her end of the bargain is not only foolish, but it can also cause a great deal of wasted emotion. It is better to
hope for the best, but keep an open mind.
Suppose the other person is a crook and never intended to pay. Focusing on my deprivation, moralizing, blaming, working myself into a frenzy about being cheated, and developing a deep resentment only create anger inside me. I do not need anger to take action. The excess anger doesn't hurt the other person or balance the scales, it only takes away from my own happiness.
I can still choose to take action to receive payment or restitution, because I still want to receive the money and I do not want to encourage the other person to cheat more people. But there is no need to get in a stew about it--that only hurts me. Being cheated only hurts me if it undermines my happiness.
My abundance comes not from the amount of money I have in the bank, but from the amount of happiness I have in my life. If being "cheated" does not seriously undermine my being a happy person, then it has not done me too much harm.
Even if the cheating harms me in some real ways, I will be happier if I accept the new situation and move on. I can pick up the pieces and set new goals given the new reality. Abundance thinking keeps me in control of my emotions and gives me positive motivation for maximizing my positive actions to accomplish realistic goals.
Abundance thinking is better illustrated by this true story. A friend, George, was close to his eldest son. He and his son had dreamed for years that his son would complete medical school and then go into private practice with George. His son struggled to get accepted into medical school; then he struggled through it. Just after graduation, father and son finally began their practice together. A few months later a drunk driver ran a light and killed his son.
At first, George was devastated. But I received a copy of a poem George sent to friends and family a few weeks later. The poem expressed no anger, instead it expressed George‘s gratitude for the time his son had walked the earth and for the joy that his son had brought into George‘s life and the lives of others. That is abundance thinking!
To create abundance thinking. If you want to choose abundance thinking over
deficit thinking, try the following:
1. Create "zero expectations" of what you will receive. Abundance
thinking means creating "zero expectations." Do not automatically assume that you will receive anything. Instead you will be mentally prepared for the worst possible case. Think positively about your chances of receiving what you want, but that is quite different from assuming that you will get what you want. Do not assume that you "must have," "should have," or ultimately "deserve" anything. You do not assume that God, nature, society, or any other source has established absolute rules for what you "should receive."
2. Use appreciate-assertive thinking. Replace all of the phrases like
"should have" or "must have" with the phrase "I want." Assert that you want something based upon your choice of your ultimate concern for happiness for yourself and others.
That assertion is sufficient reason for wanting it. You do not need to justify it from any other moral code or set of "shoulds." Nor is there any moral code or set of "shoulds" that indicates you "deserve" to have it. Everything you receive in life is ultimately a gift. You would have nothing without the gift of life, the gift of your environment, and the gift of your abilities. Once you view the situation this way, everything good in life becomes a bonus: a gift you did not get because you deserved it, but a gift that you are grateful for.
3. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Foster abundance thinking
by assuming that you are responsible for your own happiness and that no one else is. Developing your interests, knowledge, and skills in areas that help you take better care of yourself and make yourself happy. Know that even when you are poor in some area(s) of life, you can still find routes to happiness like Genevieve (in the body cast), the POW, and Victor Frankl have done.
4. Focus on positive "wants" and goals. Give up trying to justify what you want with "shoulds" and give up expecting other people to meet your needs for you. Then you are free to focus on what you want and take responsibility for getting it yourself. In abundance thinking you start with the assumption that you can be happy with what you have. However, you are free to want more and to keep setting challenging goals to receive more. If you meet the goals, it is a bonus to the happiness you already have. If you do not, that is ok because you can be happy with what you have.
PRACTICE: Compare your own deficit thinking with abundance thinking. (1)
Think of an area where you feel abundance thinking. (2) Compare that abundance area thinking to any area where you experience deficit thinking. (If you are having trouble thinking of one, think of an area where you feel that you "are in a hole" or have less than you "deserve." It could be that you feel that you received less than you "should" from your parents, education, peers, work opportunities, or almost anything.) (3) Use the self-exploration technique (from chapter 2) to explore your feelings, images, thoughts, underlying beliefs, and history of this deficit thinking. Then try to replace your deficit thinking with abundance thinking.
Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, expect something between,