TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

We have just examined cases where the focus was on our taking care of others. Now I will reverse the focus. What are ways that you are not taking care of yourself and are depending upon others to do it for you? In both cases, the underlying script supports external control--one person takes primary responsibility for another.

Take charge of life areas where you are too dependent upon others. We may

feel low self-confidence or feel helpless to provide for ourselves in certain life areas. We may depend almost totally on one or more people to take over that

area of our lives.

In return, we may covertly agree to give them control over that area; we let them do all of the thinking, decision-making, and planning. One problem is that if they take control, we may never get involved, motivated, or competent in that area. Continued low knowledge of an area can increase our dependence and external control and keep us under their thumb indefinitely.

People can become too dependent upon another to meet any kind of need. Check each of the following to see if you have become too dependent in any area.

● love ● attention ● play ● comfort ● emotional support ● sex ● money ● household chores ● planning social events ● career guidance ● paying bills ● car repair or fixing things ● place to live ● social contacts ● transportation

Taking care of yourself in each area means questioning your expectation that others should provide you with what you need. In the future, you will expect primarily yourself to take care of that need area. Taking care of at least your minimal needs yourself will increase your self-confidence and independence. You will quit being so needy, dependent, and demanding in that need area. You will have no need to get hooked into unhappy relationships just because that person takes responsibility for some area (where you feel helpless and dependent). One client said, "I can't believe how long I stayed in that miserable marriage just because I was afraid to support myself and to get the car fixed. If I'd known how happy I'd be, I'd left years ago."

Spreading your dependencies. One additional way to prevent being too

dependent on any one particular person is to make sure that we have a network of people. This network can assist us as we provide for ourselves. George Kelly called this strategy "spreading our dependencies." If we are dependent upon a variety of people, then we are unlikely to let any one person get too much control.

If dependence is a problem, break the pattern of dependence to get more internal control. Spending more time away from the family, getting involved in activities outside the family, making new friends, and advancing your education and career can help.

Becoming more independent of those who overly influence your thinking and important beliefs is especially important to gain more internal control. Expose yourself to points of view and ideas that are different. Identify beliefs that you suspect are dysfunctional and foster dependence. Find healthier ways of thinking from good role models, counseling, groups, and self-help books.

PRACTICE: Check your dependencies in each life area.

1-Self-test: How dependent are you on other people for meeting your needs? How much do you expect other people to make you feel good? Check each life area and each important relationship--especially with family members.

2-Alternatives: Think of new ways that you can start taking responsibility for yourself in those areas. What would be the costs to you (such as rejection,

financial, extra effort, social risks, or career)? What would be the gains for increased independence (such as self-esteem, growth, freedom, new opportunities)?

3-Plan: List (and display) new self-commitments to increase independence.

"I SHOULD" versus "I WANT"

Do you keep "musterbating" or "shoulding‖ all over yourself? Normally, we use the words "should" and "must" to mean that some part of us is committed to following some rule or set of rules. If we follow the rule, we feel good and if we break it, we feel guilty. Rules in themselves are neither good nor bad. We all have rules we live by. But problems occur when two rules conflict and we obey a less important rule over a more important one.

Two sisters--Suzy and Eileen--illustrate this dynamic well. Their father was a minister who lived by an extensive set of narrow rules (like the apostle Paul when he was a Pharisee) instead of living by empathy and love. The mother shared these rules and was as rule-bound as her husband. The parents taught both daughters this intricate set of rules about how to be a good Christian.

In fact, neither daughter really strongly believed in the rules, or strongly felt that they were beneficial for their own happiness. As adults, both sisters thought many of the rules made no sense. However, their parents‘ love, acceptance, financial help, and praise depended upon how well they obeyed these rules.

Eileen chose to conform to her parents‘ expectations and to her internal parent that represented those rules. As a result, her parents were moderately happy with her. Her parents gave her lots of financial assistance and were usually pleasant to her. However, she still felt guilty, because she still fell short of meeting their expectations perfectly, and sometimes the rubbed it in.

While Eileen was glad to receive parental benefits, inside she felt a great conflict and was often depressed. She felt that she could never live the life that she wanted. She felt trapped and helpless. She felt extremely dependent upon her parents and her self-esteem was low.

On the other hand, Suzy chose to rebel from the parental rules. As a teenager, she went wild--drinking, partying, and breaking her parents' rules. As a result, her parents practically disowned her. They openly ridiculed her, cut off financial help, and told her she was "evil" and "going to hell." Inside, part of Suzy felt happy that she could go her own way in life. She didn't feel trapped like her sister, and developed a lot of self-reliance from supporting herself and surviving on her own. However, another part felt tremendous guilt, because it still believed her parents‘ rules. Also, Suzy still wanted to receive her parents' acceptance, praise, and respect. She was torn by inner conflict.

Both sisters shoulded all over themselves constantly. Eileen obeyed the shoulds and felt little guilt. But she denied other parts of herself begging for expression. Her playful, sexual, creative, and even professional interests were blocked, because they collided with parental rules. Repressing these playful parts of herself caused her depression and feelings of helplessness. On the other hand, Suzy didn't follow the rules, and felt guilty as a result--constantly being haunted by messages from her internalized parents, "I'm a bad person, and I'm

going to go to hell."

What is the solution for these two sisters? Neither following the rules nor breaking them worked. They are "damned if they do and damned if they don't." First, they can commit themselves to some new higher rules--the ultimate concerns of happiness and love. Second, reexamine the old rules from the perspective of the new ultimate concern. Each time an old rule or should pops into mind, they could ask themselves, "What will maximize happiness for self and others--following this rule or some new action?" Ask yourself, "What do I

really want to do?" given my new philosophy.

Your Higher Self produces ―wants‖ not ―shoulds.‖ When we feel shoulds, the

rule-source parts are demanding we follow the rules. On the other hand, if the executive self becomes convinced that the should is important to our happiness, then we suddenly feel like we want to do it. The inner conflict disappears. Our shoulds usually come from internalized parents or other belief systems that we have not integrated into our Higher Self.

To the degree that these internalized belief systems are not integrated with higher parts of ourselves, we may experience painful conflicts between shoulds and wants. These conflicts can become so awful that we rarely enjoy anything. Like Suzy, if we choose a want activity, our guilt undermines our fun; or like Eileen, if we choose a should, resentment or depression take over.

Converting a "should" into a "want." Learning how to convert a should into

something meaningful, interesting, or fun is a skill that can help reduce conflicts between shoulds and wants. An important part of converting a should into a want is focusing on the subpart that really wants to do it. Just ask yourself, "Does some part of me really want this?" If so, get in touch with its beliefs, goals, and desires. Let it talk to your executive self and try to persuade it--not coerce it with shoulds. The best arguments are (1) that it will eventually be satisfied and (2) that it can contribute to your overall happiness and the happiness of others.

As soon as you see a direct connection between an action and becoming happier, you automatically want to do it.

One way to convert a should into a want is to make it more interesting and fun. If it is boring, make it more challenging. Make a game of it or set higher goals. Get more personally involved. If it is too difficult or stressful, try simplifying it. The harmonious functioning chapters explain many ways to get into the zone and to turn unpleasant situations into interesting ones. Again, we can find many routes to happiness even in the most boring or stressful situations.