This may be a possible side-issue for you that can totally smash all your social hopes and dreams, so I’m going to take a few pages to address it now even if a major case of shyness is not your particular problem. I know this will be of help to many of you guys though.
I used to be painfully shy at one point early in my life, so I know what a crushing burden it can be. It’s perfectly natural and normal to sometimes feel a little bit unsure of how our actions are being observed and possibly judged by others, but true shyness is a painfully self-focused sensation where you feel as if you are being exposed to the critical scrutiny and judgement of everyone else all of the time, relentlessly. Shyness is a cautionary mode we retreat into
whenever we have insufficient data about the individuals surrounding us, or are overly concerned about how we are appearing to them. This is especially true when men find themselves in the presence of beautiful, intimidating women.
First, you should understand why you need to make every effort to avoid acting shy whenever you can, and I’m not just talking about trying to pick up women but everywhere and all the time. The reason why shyness is destructive to your chances for pursuing social opportunities may seem obvious, but the true reason may actually surprise you...
Most people simply don’t like shy people. Why? Because they will usually begin to empathize with a shy person’s visible discomfort... and then they will begin to unconsciously mirror it!
See, when you act shy in front of another person your behavior has the effect of drawing up that person’s own innate shyness and bringing it to the
trigger” for other people! And because they get such an unpleasant feeling whenever they’re around the painfully shy, they would simply rather avoid such individuals entirely. You may’ve thought that shyness was strictly your own
internal problem – but this unintentional ability of yours to broadcast your shyness to others makes it really more like a case of emotional bad breath! It’s causing you to be avoided.
Possibly because of your intense inward focus you never noticed this phenomenon before, but it is real and can actually be turned to your advantage. Here’s an experiment to prove it: catch a person’s eye and immediately do
something such as smile, wink, point at them, salute... whatever. Nine times out of ten they will instantly -- without even thinking about it -- do the exact same thing right back at you! That’s mirroring in action. Pretty cool, eh?
It’s also possible to use this effect to distract yourself from your own shyness. Here’s how: whenever you encounter someone, instead of being so self-conscious simply focus all your thoughts on control, but not on controlling yourself... on controlling them. You can compel someone’s mood to be bright and outgoing by modeling that type of behavior for them – rather than nudging them towards discomfort by surrendering to your shyness. It’s all up to you –
you are in control!
Look, you don’t need years of therapy to uncover all the terrible causes of your shyness. Who cares about the reasons anyway? It’s just a repeat behavior that you’ve learned to re-loop endlessly in social circumstances, and all you really need do is replace it with something better.
So why not this?... instead of focusing on your own discomfort, focus on being the “puppetmaster” instead!
Whenever you meet a girl who would normally intimidate you for instance, repeatedly think to yourself “...don’t let her go shy, don’t let her go shy... keep her mood upbeat and extroverted...” Concern yourself with what’s going on in her head, not yours. Model the emotional states you want reflected back towards you. Concentrate your energies and actions on deliberately showing off the kind of easy-going behavior that you would like your puppet to display. One of the big obstacles to dealing naturally with others is focusing too much attention on how they are making you feel instead of worrying about how you are making them
This ability – this capacity to make others feel good about themselves – is the very definition of charisma. Loved, powerful, important, smart, respected, valued... people are starved to feel in these ways! Be aware of the influence that you can have on others. If you can dole out the good vibes they crave in some small measure, they will follow you around like lost puppies!
#
"
People will go off and gladly die for kings-queens-generals-dictators and so on, simply because these individuals have a keen understanding of the power born of creating good feelings in populations of people on a massive scale. Go read a history book if you don’t believe me, it’s full of examples. One great example of the power of charisma that comes to mind is former president Bill Clinton -- his personal charisma and good humor took him right through to the U.S. Presidency and kept him there for 8 years despite being despised by his political enemies even to the point of being impeached. Even the chubby interns couldn’t keep their hands off him!
Mr. Charisma
Here’s a quick story to help illustrate the power of a solid self-image. I had a close personal friend in high school who possessed natural charisma in spades. He was tall and handsome, played football and always had a girlfriend (the girls loved him!). This was the kind of guy who was in the top “clique” in high school and moved around essentially like royalty. He was also the kind of guy who could have easily busted on the surrounding nerds and no one would have thought it unusual.
But here’s what makes this story cool... he never once acted mean or
demeaning towards anyone. In fact, my friends’ behavior was just the opposite of the typical prick who drew a genetic free lunch and cruised through his teen
years. He seemed to make a special effort to reach out and befriend those “lower class citizens”. I even saw him jump in and protect some of these nerds when dudes were ragging them out or trying to make them look like fools in front of girls. No one messed with my buddy -- he had a fairly advanced belt in Kung Fu
(hey, it was the big “in vogue” martial art to know back in the 70's!) and he wasn’t afraid to use it when pressed. The most amazing part is that he never expected anything in return from these beta males. It was just how he was brought up to be... a character guy, even as a kid.
Well let me tell you, by senior year this guy oversaw an entire legion of nerds who would’ve gladly laid down their life for him! Just a simple act of kindness here and there was enough to build goodwill that would last a lifetime (and who knows where all those connections might one day lead? Last I heard, he’d left a plum corporate job to partner up with a friend from high school who was running a multi-million dollar business. One of his “nerd” buddies you think?). It will be amazing to see how many people show up at my good friend’s funeral someday (hopefully far, far in the future). You’ll probably think the King of Siam himself died!
The point is that anyone can concoct a little bit of this magical stuff for himself even if you’re not star quarterback material. The projection of charisma is far more a psychological deal than it is dependent upon some physical quality that you may or may not possess (shit, Hitler was certainly no GQ model!). Just a little timely friendliness when needed, a sympathetic ear lent here or there – and before long you’ll have a little following of friends who dig hanging out with you. And who knows... some of them may even turn out to be mighty cute!