Evidence of growth is powerful . When we see someone having made changes in their life it is inspiring . Even the smallest changes in person we know can seem profound, and make someone new to us once again (think of a normally lazy family member who suddenly becomes health-conscious, or a previously gloomy uncle who suddenly shows warmth and positivity) .
It is also, dare I say a little intimidating at times to watch someone moving ahead, making us feel like we need to catch up with the person in order to play at their level . Let’s revisit our attraction formula for a moment . When you show a guy you have grown it again raises your ‘Perceived Challenge’ because now your ex realizes you have not stagnated, rather, your train has left the station and he’d better grow at the same pace or be left behind .
Let’s step outside of the realm of getting your ex back for a moment . We can all picture past relationships where we know there were things we didn’t do very well . That’s not to say the other person didn’t have their own share of flaws, but we all know the aspects of our own personality we aren’t too proud of .
Perhaps it was an over controlling nature . A tendency to over analyze every little thing . A possessiveness, or jealousy that came through far too often during wrong moments .
Perhaps it was a lack of spontaneity . Maybe you didn’t bring enough excitement to the table . Maybe you’re lives were so entwined that you didn’t have one of your own anymore; no part of your existence was separate from him .
Or maybe it was even selfishness . A lack of thoughtfulness . Being so wrapped up in your own needs and wants that you didn’t devote any time and energy to cater to his .
I always remember having a conversation with an ex of mine where I asked her honestly what had broken us up . I wouldn’t usually put myself through that particular form of torture, but this was the first person to ever really break my heart . I asked her in a moment of pro-active vulnerability and with a desire to grow from the answer,
“What was it that didn’t work for you in our relationship? What did you grow tired of?” . I knew I was unlikely to be happy with the answer; in fact, I knew the answer had the ability to begin a whole new insecurity for me that I might not have thought about before . Insecurity is a funny thing after all; you can spend your whole life focused on a small handful of self-accepted deficiencies, only to find that there were even more to pick from had we known what people really thought about us at any given moment (though luckily, the same could be said for our strengths) .
She replied to me in a tentative tone as a futile attempt to sugarcoat what she was about to say “Well…honestly…you were boring” . I sat on the phone to her with gritted teeth, doing my best to muster the courage to ask another probing question which might further grind
salt into the wound . “Ok…what made me boring?” . “Well, you never wanted to go out, you were so busy with work, you sat all day and night on your laptop or your phone, and the whole relationship just lost its spontaneity . You were so focused on what you were trying to achieve that it was like your ambition took over the relationship . When I first met you your ambition was one of the sexiest things about you, but it ended up being the only thing there was” .
When she told me this I was of course taken aback, bruised and if I’m honest a little pissed . Did she not realize how many criticisms I had of her?
But I resisted the childish response of listing my own grievances . Besides, I couldn’t fault her logic . We often don’t want to agree with our exes, especially the ones that hurt us, or the ones that we’ve convinced ourselves were the sole party in the wrong in the relationship, but the truth is every once in a while they have something to teach us about ourselves .
Remember, just because someone was wrong FOR us it doesn’t mean there were not times when they were right ABOUT us.
Of course, the truth she uttered didn’t make her right for me . It just became a gift she gave me to take with me to the next person . She had given me an interesting pathway for my own growth .
So why am I telling you all of this? Well, when it comes to getting your ex back, part of attracting them again is to take them by surprise in the ways that you have grown . I’ve said it before in this programme and I’ll say it again, attraction is about keeping someone slightly off balance . When someone you are close to starts growing and developing in new ways it is by its very nature, unpredictable .
One of the greatest ways to throw your ex off guard and have them wondering about you again is to show that certain negative qualities that you had before are not present now, or are even replaced by new strengths which he previously was completely unaware of .
To revisit the example of my ex, let’s suppose I was back on a date with her, and I began describing a music festival I went to the week before . Just this one example would be suggestive of a different side to me than she had known . In her mind she might be thinking
“Wait a minute, that’s not work related, that’s just fun related…
does he do stuff just for fun these days? How curious .” It’s amazing just how suggestive one anecdote or example said aloud can be . What you want to do then is create a disconnect between what they think they know to be true about you, and what is actually true about you today.
There’s an important distinction I should make here in the types of changes you should make . If he gets the impression that something you have altered in yourself has been done solely for the purposes of making him happy, it will send a message of desperation and reek of inauthenticity . If I genuinely didn’t think I was ‘boring’ in my previous relationship, trying to change it would have not only looked like a spineless attempt to win her back, it would have compromised who I am, (and I would probably have never stuck to my new fun identity for long) . It only helped me because upon deeper reflection I know that she had pointed out something that I had partly suspected in myself and something that I know would continue to affect future relationships if I didn’t change it . Namely that I didn’t have enough balance in my life, and consequently had little variety in my schedule and little to talk about other than work . Boredom personified! (I wince thinking about myself at that stage now) .
So it’s important that you agree with the change and have personal motivation for it . So allow me to say it again ONE MORE TIME:
Do not make any change that you would not otherwise benefit from making were he not in your life.
If you follow this rule, getting your ex back as a result of these changes will simply be a by-product of a bigger plan for your own self-growth, not the goal in-and-of itself .
But note that this rule does not necessarily always hold when you are in a relationship . We all know that when we are with someone there are certain changes and compromises we make because it’s good for our partner, though it wouldn’t necessarily be something we would be doing if it weren’t for them . Certain sacrifices are part of committed relationships . But you are not in a relationship with your ex, you are separated, and therefore you are looking to show him how you have evolved as an individual since being with him . The rule of ‘show’ don’t ‘tell’ is a useful one here . You ideally want to display your new habits indirectly through the things you talk about or the kind of energy you have (for example, if he used to get annoyed at you complaining and being overly negative, you suddenly being calmly optimistic and relaxed will subtly communicate how that has changed) .
But sometimes it may be appropriate to tell him of the changes you’ve made, albeit in the subtlest possible way . For example, in a moment of premeditated and controlled vulnerability you may admit during conversation that something he said back when you were together had stuck with you and inspired a change in you today: “I always remember what you said to me about creating
my own life, and you were right . That’s something I’ve been really excited about doing over the last few months” .
Notice that this is framed in a positive way of being something you have been excited to implement as a change, rather than something you have reluctantly accepted . It also communicates the message in a way that creates a challenge for him . He may have inspired the change, but it doesn’t alter the fact that the change itself has created more Perceived Value for you . It’s quite common in relationships for people to tell their partners of the things they want them to change, and then precisely when they realize they have made the change that was asked, feel threatened by the result . Ironically many of us are actually more content with complaining about something our partner does than facing the power disruption that happens when they respond by actually making it . Never forget that in any relationship your power doesn’t always come from being defiant, but more often it comes from responding to criticism by actually improving yourself . What could keep your partner more on their toes than that?
Let’s take a few examples to illustrate this:
1 . When he says “you are too controlling!” - You become MORE at peace and focus more on yourself rather than trying to control him .
2 . When he grows tired of your jealousy - You decide to treat him with the utmost loyalty and you resolve simply to leave if he violates your standards rather than dominate every aspect of his behaviour .
3 . When he says he feels bored in the bedroom - You decide to learn a few new tricks .
4 . When he shows a desire to go out alone with his friends and have a good time - You respond by encouraging it instead of trying to be a part of everything he does .
When you respond to such demands with genuine growth from your side, you gain two powers: (1) You become the exception (since most people just react with coldness or anger when someone criticizes them), and (2) You win in the long-term, since you take on new habits and behaviours that make you better equipped for ANY relationship in the future (as I said before, even those partners who were wrong for us can be right about something we need to work on) . The best revenge is living well .
Remember our Moving Train Mindset from Step 2? Well, every time you either show him your growth, or he sees how are moving on from the relationship, it’s as though you are firing up the engines on your train and pulling out of the station . Every act of independence on your part makes him feel like you’re pulling away . Each act of strength is pulling another carriage away . Then he has to run to catch up and get on!
But let’s jump back to the previous example . Instead of telling him about your now rich and passionate life that is separate from him, what if you simply showed him?
How might you do that? Well the very fact that you are in yoga clothes because you just came from a class tells him you have a new activity in your life . The fact that the three new friends you’ve made since you broke up are calling you while you are with him also sub-communicates that you have new connections which he is not a part of . When you respond to his idle chit-chat questions like “What you are up to this weekend?” by telling him how you are going hiking in
the mountains with these new friends, you show him you are now trying new activities and interests you didn’t pursue when you were with him . Perhaps you even show him a picture of the mountain you are climbing . These are all examples of SHOW, not tell .
For the purpose of another example, let’s go back to the idea of jealousy . If he always knew you to be the jealous type, but when he mentions an attractive quality in another woman you remain unfazed now, or perhaps even reiterate the attractive quality in the woman in question (e .g . “yea, she’s such a cool person . She’s so lovely .”), you are showing him you are not threatened, rather than having to expressly tell him that you are not the jealous type anymore .
A quick word on jealousy:
Some may argue that because this is your ex we’re talking about, you have a right to feel jealous, or at the very least, that it’s a normal feeling to have .
As much as I agree that jealousy at this stage is an all-too-human feeling, we have to be careful of becoming too territorial over someone we aren’t actually in a relationship with . It will make you seem overly controlling and too invested . Remember, the most surprising thing you can do right now is adopt a Fonzie-like attitude: just be cool, fun, and totally laid back .
The first thing he’ll probably expect from you is jealousy, coldness, or feigned indifference . You have to be the opposite of those things . Nice, fun, but totally unfazed . It will intrigue him more as he wonders why him being with other people doesn’t throw you, rather than him seeing you get agitated at the thought of it . When you
get emotional, you just show him how much power he still has over you.
But what if he throws it in your face? What if he makes a point of continuously bringing up other women that he is seeing romantically?
If he does this, you just have another sign of this person’s lack of class and empathy, and rather than make you jealous, it should just be added to the pile of evidence which proves he’s not the sort of man you want in your life .
It goes without saying of course that you shouldn’t engage in the reverse of this . Though you can allude to men in your life who are friends, it is in no way wise or classy to mention a guy (or guys) you’ve been seeing or sleeping with . But at a push, you may refer to men you have been on dates with, but do not refer to your interest in other men, and certainly not sexual encounters unless for some reason it cannot be avoided . The Golden Rule should be applied throughout your encounter with your ex: “Treat others as one would like others to treat oneself ” .
Throughout this document so far I have talked about never intentionally making your ex jealous . However, I ought to stress that him thinking about the likelihood or possibility of you being on a date with another man right now is no bad thing . You might be thinking: “But if he thinks that I could be going on dates with someone else, won’t he think it’s all over??”
No!
He is a man, and when he hears that the woman for whom he has a list of “Top 10 Best Erotic Sexual Moments” recorded in his head (yes, that’s you!) is starting to move on and see another guy,
his ‘hunter’ switch is going to flip and he’ll immediately think he’s made a mistake about letting you go .
Men are possessive about women they love, and the hint that you are starting to move on will spring him into action . So while you never want to brag about some romantic encounter you recently had with another man, don’t be afraid to vaguely refer to the fact that you are thinking about dating, and that though people have asked you out you are taking it slowly right now (Men respond better to the threat of competition than to competition itself) . So don’t say:
“Yes, I have been dating other men” . Just be VERY unspecific and don’t tell him ANY detail, but say that guys have asked you out and that you’re taking it slowly . It will drive him nuts and make him think about you even more .
{Note: This is NOT about you trying to make him jealous, it’s about letting him know that you are moving on and can easily fall for another guy if he stalls for too long} .